What the Heck Do You Know? Is Confused, And Isn't Ashamed To Wokka Wokka Ahuah It!
1) Republicans, who have never met a defense appropriations bill that they didn't love, have just met a defense appropriations bill that they didn't love. It contained repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy that legitimizes discrimination against gays in the military. How do they defend voting against the bill?
a) "It's not that we love the troops any less, it's just that we hate gays more."
b) "The first survey of the troops that shows that they would, on the whole, favour repeal, wasn't convincing. Best two out of three?"
c) "Karl Rove said we could get away with it, and none of us were prepared to argue with Bush's Brain."
2) Why will Lou Dobbs soon be getting a show on the Fox Business Network?
a) just because you tout companies that send American jobs abroad in your private newsletter doesn't mean you shouldn't slag those companies on the air for sending American jobs abroad
b) just because you hire illegal immigrants to tend to your estate and horses doesn't mean you shouldn't slag illegal immigrants on the air
c) if the Fox Business Network's ratings were any lower, they'd do private shows in your living room - what have they got to lose?
3) FILL IN THE BLANKS: In his biography, Decision Points, former President George W. Bush wrote: "Yeah, we _______A_______ _______B_______. I'd do it again to _______C_______."
a) waterboarded; Khalid Sheikh Mohammed; save lives
b) ate too many; hot chili peppers; see the disapproving look on Turd Blossom's face
c) had intimate relationships with; watermelons; make peace with the lava people who live at the center of the Earth
4) First, the United States declared that the war in Iraq was over, but it was keeping 50,000 troops in the country. Now, Canada is going to end its part in the Afghanistan war in 2011, only it's going to keep 1,000 troops in the country. Who do they think they're fooling?
a) me
b) you
c) a dog named Boo
5) What's the difference between a soldier in a war zone and a trainer of foreign soldiers and police officers in a war zone?
a) when a trainer of foreign soldiers and police officers steps on an IED and is blown up, he bleeds blue
b) when a trainer of foreign soldiers and police officers is attacked with enemy rockets, he has to fill out 20 forms before he can return fire
c) are you fooled yet?
6) The digital tsunami: who will bring order and profits to the digital world?
a) Paul Rudd
b) Ned Ludd
c) a case of Bud
7) How was your life changed at a Billy Graham crusade?
a) I realized that saliva isn't Satan's lubricant
b) it reaffirmed my belief in Judaism
c) I realized that I don't really like Billy Graham
8) Who, what, where, when or why is Witzelsucht?
a) that would be Enrico Witzelsucht, the creator of the gabardine protrusion emulsifier
b) Witzelsucht is what happens to your eyelids during a partial eclipse of your computer screen
c) Witzelsucht is an area of Narnia that, thankfully, C. S. Lewis spared us from exploring
d) Witzelsucht is a happy time that takes place every third fourth of Decenuary; it is a time of singing and laughing and children spinning around until they get dizzy and fall over
e) historians believe that Witzelsucht began as a plea to the one-eyed giant aliens not to leave Earth (but, they tend to believe this only after they have spun around until they got dizzy and fell over)
f) other
9) Why does the Democratic leadership consistently attack the progressive part of its base when it never, never, never has a bad word to say about the Republicans who are doing everything in their power to destroy it?
a) their wires are crossed
b) their eyes are crossed
c) don't be silly! You don't cross eyes - you dot them! You cross tees
d) their tees are crossed
e) you mean, their shirts have crosses on them? I'm so confused...
f) because, unlike Republicans, DEMOCRATS CAN'T STICK TO THE POINT!
10) Why did New York's 92nd Street Y offer to refund money to anybody who was dissatisfied with Steve Martin's Q/A session there?
a) he showed up not wearing an arrow through his head
b) he didn't once talk with a funny accent
c) he wanted to talk about fine art, and who gives a shit about that?
11) On a lazy Friday afternoon, President Obama walked into the White House press briefing room with former President Bill Clinton, then walked out and left Clinton to talk to the journalists about tax policy. What the...heck was that all about?
a) the White House was afraid that Bernie Sanders' 8 1/2 hour filibuster against the tax - it wasn't really a compromise - let's call it a capitulation - the tax capitulation on the floor of the Senate would boost the ratings on CSPAN, and Obama promised the private networks that he would never do anything to undermine their ratings
b) Obama was never very good at triangulation - he always wants to round off the edges so the triangles will be safe for children to play with - so he left triangulation on the tax bill to the expert
c) Bill's still got it, don't he?!
12) How much American debt does Saudi Arabia own, and how embarrassed should the American government be about it?
a) it's like the Old Testament god: nobody can prove for certain that it exists, but everybody is afraid of it
b) it's like the New Testament god: soft and mushy and everybody knows there will be consequences, but we're not worried about them at the moment
c) did we mention that Bill Clinton still blows a mean...sax?
13) What were you born to be?
a) a movie star
b) a best-selling author
c) disappointed
d) other
14) Boredom 2010 was held in London on December 11. Why would people pay good money to be bored for seven hours?
a) it beat reading year-end wrap-ups in the newspaper
b) it beat reading predictions for the coming year in the newspaper
c) some people will go to any lengths to get a good night's sleep
15) Republicans on the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission, finding that Democrats wouldn't let them demagogue the final report, published their own minority report that did not include the words "deregulation," "shadow banking," "interconnection," and, yes, "Wall Street." What other words are missing from the minority report?
a) integrity
b) accountability
c) forshpice
d) all of the above
16) What is the eternal question?
a) What is love (and where can I get some)?
b) Why are we here (and where can I get some)?
c) What is the eternal question?
a) What is love (and where can I get some)?
b) Why are we here (and where can I get some)?
c) What is the eternal question?
a) What is love (and where can I get some)?
b) Why are we here (and where can I get some)?
c) What is the eternal question?
a) What is love (and where can I get some)?
b) Why are we here (and where can I get some)?
c) What is eternal recurrence?
17) You know how you sometimes get a song stuck in your head that you just can't get out? How do you finally get that song out of your head?
a) Hamburger Helper
b) I sit under a polo pony until the song goes away
c) I regress to a past life when I was Beethoven and I write a counter-tune
18) Robert Gibbs will be leaving the White House, saying he wants to spend more time with his family. How credible is this?
a) very...if you think of some K Street lobbying firm as your family
b) not very - retiring politicians have been using the "I want to spend more time with my family" dodge since Nixon left the White House
c) I'm sorry, I don't live in Washington: who is Robert Gibbs and why should I care that he's leaving the White House?
19) According to House Republicans ready to gut anything that moves (possibly including each other), "the voters sent a clear message" on election day. What was that message?
a) "Stop eating so much chili - the Senate is getting pretty gamey, if you know what we mean."
b) "We need representatives willing to do the tough job of opposing policies that President Obama and the Democratic Congress don't actually seem to be proposing!"
c) "We like gridlock. Gridlock is our friend."
20) According to an interview with her on The Early Show, "Gandhi likely never had a year like Lindsay Lohan's 2010." What is the biggest difference between the two?
a) Gandhi was jailed for his opposition to British rule of India; Lohan had to go through rehab
b) Gandhi went on a hunger strike to stop fighting between people of different religions in his country; Lohan had to go through rehab
c) Gandhi was assassinated; Lohan had to go through rehab
d) Gandhi did not live in an age of 24 hour news and celebrity worship; Lohan does
e) other
