You Never Think It'll Happen To You
Considering how viciously I shedAnd, Then...
So, this is the way life works. When I was young, I had acute hearing, which meant, of course, that I could hear all of the whispered insults that people were saying behind my back. Now that I'm older, I appear to be losing my hearing, which means, of course, that I am having trouble picking up compliments that people say to my face.
The problem with losing your hearing (a natural part of aging, doctors tell us - young doctors, as it happens - no surprise, there) is that the process happens so slowly you aren't aware of it. One minute, you're listening to the subtle grace notes of life, the next, you're straining to hear the symphony. And, don't think that hating music will help you, either.
The deterioration of my hearing has led to some...interesting incidents.
One evening, I found myself in Starbucks. I don't drink caffeinated beverages (when I was younger, I had a terrible Coke habit - I drank a two litre bottle a day - it took me a long time to figure out why I always seemed to be bouncing off the walls - ah, youth!), but my Web Goddess likes one of their drinks, and I occasionally get it for her as part of my religious practice. What can I say? We all worship in our own way.
Never at a loss around sweet things, I ordered an apple fritter. The woman behind the counter who was serving us asked, "Do you want to eat it?"
After a moment of stunned reflection, I responded, "What...else would I do...with it?"
Confusion reigned for a couple more moments. I looked at my Web Goddess, who stared back at me with the "Oh, what is going on in your head and do I even want to know?" look that she has perfected over the years. The woman behind the counter looked confused, but writers don't use the delightful word "befuddled" nearly as often as it deserves to be used, so I'm going to say, instead, that she looked befuddled; I do not know her well enough to know how that fits into her repertoire of facial expressions.
Eventually, the other woman behind the counter (thankfully, it was early enough in the evening that there was a second woman behind the counter) said, "Heated. She asked: 'Do you want it heated?'"
We all laughed. Well, most of us did.
To be fair, my Web Goddess has said that the woman behind the counter didn't articulate the question as well as she could have, and my Web Goddess didn't know what she had said either. But, of course, she doesn't have access to my ears...
Then, there was the Veteran's Day debacle.
"Puppies," I heard the radio ad say. "We wear them to commemorate the brave men and women who gave so much for our freedom." Puppies? On hearing this, my first thought was, Do they make them into coats? That could get squirmy. I'll bet it's warm, though. Maybe they pin the puppies on their lapels like -
Oh. My Web Goddess just shook her head sadly.
They say you should appreciate the gifts that every age of your life brings you. And, it's true: the less I am able to hear, the less I am able to hear the crazies that seem to be dominating public life. Of course, I can still read what they say. But, I'm sure time will cure me of that affliction, too...