Another Feather in My Capclave

Titles

Yeah, I know, kind of a lame pun on the science fiction convention's name. Still, it's better than my other choice, "Imonna Put a Capclave In Yo Ass," which is just wrong on so many levels.

Imagine The Sales Tax Nightmare!

Strange things happen on the way to conventions.

Not only was the Homeland Security agent at the border smiling as I explained why I was going to Washington and what I wrote, but he actually joked with me about it:

GUARD: Have you ever been through the Dimensional Portal yourself?

ME: Only in my head. (pause as I work out some implications) I mean, if I had, I wouldn't need to fly to Washington.

GUARD: That's what I was getting at.

Hmmm...maybe border guards are part of my target audience after all...

John Foster Dulles Ain't Nothing But The Name Of An Airport Now

The shuttle between terminals at Dulles Airport was called a "mobile lounge." I thought this odd. There was no smoking in the lounge. Nobody moved through the lounge with trays of hors d'oeuvres taking orders for cocktails. It was mobile, however, as most of us, who were standing due to the paucity of comfy chairs, rudely discovered.

What can I say? I'm a writer. WORDS MATTER.

Are You A Science Fiction Fan? A Quick Quiz

1) Somebody talking to you says, "The Dimensional PortalTM allows people to travel between dimensions. But, the Transdimensional Authority didn't want just anybody traveling between dimensions and messing about with the timelines of other universes, so they created the Home Universe GeneratorTM, which allows civilians to look into other dimensions but not touch." Do you... a) back away from the person very slowly, glancing around to see if anybody is watching what is happening because nothing bad can happen AS LONG AS THERE ARE WITNESSES?
b) surreptitiously look around for anything that could be used as a weapon (purely in self-defense, understand, but still)?
c) rub your chin thoughtfully and respond, "Interesting...?"

If you answered c, you are clearly a science fiction fan. If you answered a or b, your life is probably very safe, but not nearly as interesting.

Images Gallery

This appeared in the clouds on the flight to Washington. I must admit, I have never seen anything quite like it in all of my travels. Either god was blessing my journey, or the Air Force was falling down on its job to blast UFOs out of the sky!

HIGH ANXIETY WAS A DOCUMENTARY! (NOTE: pay close attention to the atrium, as it will be important later in our story...)

Drive through mortgages: a vital but overlooked explanation for the American economic mayonnaise - uhh, malaise.

The hotel was designed by an exhibitionist.

What if they gave a reading and no one showed up? It would look something like this. (Actually, I had one and one eighths audience members, so the story had a happy ending. Well, it would have if the guy in the atrium - remember the atrium? I told you to pay attention to the atrium - didn't use a microphone to...call people to their tables? Call out Bingo numbers? Call the faithful to their just reward? It wasn't clear what he was doing, but it clearly was loud!)

But, hey, it was lineups like this, at the mass signing on Saturday night, that made everything worthwhile. Well, for Connie Willis, the author guest of honour, whom everybody was lined up to see. Still, an (aging) satirical boy genius can dream, can't he?

It's Funny Because It's True
Of Course, It's Creepy For The Same Reason

Lying in bed in my hotel room Friday night, I had a few thoughts of a lascivious nature about a woman I talked to for 30 seconds in the elevator. As it happened, she wasn't staying at the hotel for Capclave. FOCUS, MAN, FOCUS! I hope she wasn't there to attend sessions of the Catholic University of America (which had booked a meeting room next to Capclave's rooms), or I may have inadvertently doomed us both to eternal damnation and hellfire.

It didn't help either of our chaste souls that, soon after, the bedsprings from the room next to mine started loudly and rapidly creaking. I assumed it was an overweight person having a severe bout of the hiccups. Yeah. Sure. That must be the explanation for what I heard...

I Was Only Drinking Juice, But...It Can Be Quite Sticky And...And Hard To Get Out Of Eyelashes

Strange things happen at conventions.

I was talking to a couple of people at my table at the mass author signing when somebody I had never met walked up to the table, pointed at Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be and said, "Oh, yeah. This is a very funny book. Great for reading when you have only a short amount of time. I'm [NAME I DIDN'T CATCH]. I reviewed it for [NAME I DIDN'T CATCH]." Then, without giving me so much as a chance to breath, he walked away from the table.

It was the first time I met somebody who had reviewed one of my books in person, and I didn't want to throw a drink in his face - may all my encounters with reviewers be so pleasant!

Humour Is In The Eye Of The SPCA

A bird was flying around the hotel atrium. I suggested that if the hotel was serious about getting it out, they should tell it that they couldn't find its reservation. Oddly, nobody I told this joke to found it funny...

Please Pardon The Sincerity

Thanks to: Linda, Virginia, Phoebe, Chris, Brian, Allen, Stanislav and Devvie, Alex and Jonathan for being early participants in the Alternate Reality News Service revolution. Thanks, too, to: Colleen Cahill for the invitation, C.J. for giving a reading we should all aspire to, Leona for great advice, Bill for his amazing out-of-the-blue photography and anybody else I may have forgotten who either worked at or attended the convention. You all know why.

Are You A Science Fiction Fan? My Own Personal Test

Strange things happen on the way home from conventions.

2) Walking through Dulles airport, you notice a towel hanging off a direction sign. It's purple, which is irrelevant except for the fact that the colour catches your eye. What is the first thing that comes to your mind? a) I should take a shower when I get to the hotel - you can never be too careful when it comes to personal hygiene, and I've only had 27 today
b) was there a streaker here, and are there any pictures...?
c) somewhere in this airport is a poor traveler who probably doesn't even know the danger she or he is in

If you answered c, you are clearly a science fiction fan. If you answered a or b, read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy if you don't want to die alone and unfulfilled.

He Must Have Been Part Of A Secret Experiment To Clone Science Fiction Writers

Even before I got home I was exhausted. Capclave was my third out of town science fiction convention in four weeks, my sixth book event in seven weeks. HOW DOES ROBERT J. SAWYER DO IT?

Hitting Below the Beltway

I realized, once I got home, that, despite what I told everybody, I never actually was in Washington, DC. The plane landed at Dulles Airport, which is in Virginia. The hotel was in "(Don't Go Back To) Rockville," Maryland. However, on the trip between the two, the shuttle bus did drive over the famed Washington Beltway. And, I gotta tell you, I didn't see any of the famous Beltway Wisdom there. It was just a road - no smarter or dumber than any other.

There's a lesson there for us all.