What the Heck Do You Know? Wants To Get the Not Voting Over With Already!

1) Does reading science fiction predispose people to atheism? a) does reading the Bible predispose people to eating grilled cheese sandwiches?
b) does reading the Twilight saga predispose people to join Beatles tribute bands?
c) does reading le petit prince predispose people to wanting to give it all up and move to Italy?
d) do you get the idea? Because, I could go on like this all day...
e) no

 2) German drug maker Boehringer Ingelheim's failed antidepressant drug Flibanserin has also failed as a female Viagra. What should the company's next trials for the drug be for? a) forever splenectal anasepsis (Tuesday)
b) mush mouth
c) to combat Progressive Medical Integrity Dissolution Syndrome, a condition that mainly affects drug company executives who continue to push for trials for drugs that have no clear purpose

 3) CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was abruptly fired when he made a veiled insinuation that Jews controlled the media. How long before he gets a show on Fox News? a) six months
b) six weeks
c) six days
d) six hours
e) you mean, he hasn't already?

 4) The Pentagon has concluded that the WikiLeaks posting of 77,000 secret Afghan war reports did not compromise national security. Why, then, were the documents labelled secret and made inaccessible to the public in the first place? a) if the Pentagon didn't randomly label documents secret, what would the ACLU have to do?
b) it's part of the military's new green policy: the fewer documents you print, the more trees you save
c) because if they hadn't been, then the [REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY - HA HA!]

 5) Tony Clement knew as long ago as October, 2008 that the Harper government intended to scrap the long form census. Why didn't he make that knowledge public? a) he was suffering from forever splenectal anasepsis (fortunately, it was only Monday, so it was controllable with the use of giant inflatable elephants), and every time he tried to say something about it, he doubled over in Kenora
b) who wants to know?
c) it would have made answer 11a) much different, and the Harper government does not see its role as helping Canadians answer questions in bogus quizzes

 6) One of the bail conditions placed on Alex Hundert, who is facing three counts of conspiracy based on his activities at the G20 summit, is a ban on talking to the media. As astonishing as this is, what is actually the worst condition placed on him? a) he is not allowed to watch the new season of Fringe
b) he cannot eat meat on Fridays...wait a second - where have I heard that before?
c) he is only allowed to inhale every other minute while in public
d) other



 7) How does this make the public safer? a) Fringe is getting too close to the truth, and, as everybody knows, we can't handle the truth!
b) oh, you won't be asking this question the next time there is a massive recall of meat products - not that there is ever going to be another massive recall of meat products - we have rules against such things, now, you know...
c) more oxygen for you
d) other



 8) What have we learned from the rescue of trapped Chilean miners? a) you need to eat your veggies if you want to grow up big and strong
b) the world is full of random, disconnected events that have no meaning, but journalists will try to impose one on them anyway
c) don't eat the yellow snow

 9) What is "spectrophilia?" a) love of Phil Spector
b) love of CRTC hearings that allocate positions on the spectrum to media corporations
c) giving Philadelphia a spectroscope (an act of love considering early detection of forever splenectal anasepsis (Tuesday) makes the condition much easier to treat)

 10) In the new book Proud to Be Right: Voices of the New Conservative Generation, Jonah Goldberg asks, Did you ever wonder why the best comedians are blacks, Canadians, or Jews? Well, did you? a) yes
b) no
c) can Jews be racist?
i) yes
ii) no
iii) can Jews be stupid?
I) yes

 11) Prime Minister Stephen Harper recently told the Ukrainian government: "As Canadians, we believe that a government must work in the interests of its people, not the other way around." How is he able to say such things with a straight face? a) Harper must be Botoxed up the wazoo
b) Harper had his irony gland removed when he decided to enter politics
c) nobody knows: the PMO refuses to release that information

 12) A third year Boston College law student proposed that the school return the money he had spent in exchange for not granting him a diploma. Was he... a) a brilliant law student for thinking outside the box?
b) a terrible law student because the college ultimately rejected his proposal?
c) out over $150,000 either way

 13) Between 2001 and 2008, about 40,000 US manufacturing plants closed. Six million factory jobs have disappeared over the past dozen years, representing one in three American manufacturing jobs. What happened to them? a) they were sucked through a hole in the space-time continuum and ended up in Mongollia in the year 1237
b) oh, they're still there, but Rick Moranis made them so small nobody can see them (for more detail, see the movie Honey, I Shrunk The Economy)
c) they were up/down/right/left/in/outshifted/sourced/placed/sized

 14) About the death penalty: what makes state-sanctioned murder morally superior to non-state-sanctioned murder? a) state-sanctioned murder comes with a schadenfreude
b) state-sanctioned murder comes with a side of fries
c) state-sanctioned murder comes with a shad on the fly
d) don't you just hate when a multiple choice quiz gives you three possible answers that are almost identical (and sometimes a fourth that is obviously not right)?

 15) What is "digital pathology?" a) an addiction to zeroes and ones
b) what you're going to do to your boyfriend if he takes one more nude picture of you with that new camera of his
c) it's a myth, man, a conspiracy theory put out by the MSM and all the TOFs (Terrible Old Fogeys) who wouldn't be able to turn on their computers if they didn't have indulgent grandchildren. There is nothing pathological about using digital techno - what? It's the use of computers in diagnosing illnesses? Oh. That's actually kind of cool. NM

 16) If your name was Eileen, would you hate the song "Come On, Eileen?" a) my name's not Eileen, and I hate the song "Come On, Eileen"
b) ah, at last, a survey question that allows me to draw on my Theatresports background to answer! Okay...okay, so...I'm Eileen. And I'm listening to the song "Come On, Eileen." I was too young to listen to Dexy's Midnight Runners in the 1980s...my taste today runs more to Lady Gaga and Arcade Fire - is the song even available on iTunes? ...I think...I think, yes, yes, if my name was Eileen, I believe I would hate the song "Come On, Eileen!" Whew. Thanks for the opportunity to exercise my improv chops - I should do that more often!
c) I'm completely indifferent to the song "Come On, Eileen," but it was worth it just to listen to answer b)!

 17) What can I do to get the girl of my dreams? a) change your dreams so that you get the girl you have, or, at least, a girl that it is plausible for you to have
b) hmmm...sounds like you're serious. Okay, this is what you do: completely change your diet and get more exercise; get a facelift and Botox those crow's feet; hire a life coach to teach you how to interact with people without making a complete fool of yourself; get rid of all of your clothes and hire a fashion consultant to help you with your wardrobe, and, oh, yeah; get a job that pays twice the salary of the job you have now
c) no, seriously, dude, go with answer a)

 18) Who would you rather have as the chair of the Energy and Commerce Committee? a) a guy who apologized to Tony Hayward, head of BP, in a hearing on the Gulf oil spill, claiming that the $20 billion fund to pay for the damage the spill caused amounted to a "government shakedown"
b) a guy who does not believe that ocean levels are rising because only god could change the world in that way, and according to the Bible, after the flood god promised that he would never do it again
c) a normal, run-of-the-mill climate change denier

 19) THOSE ARE MY CHOICES? a) yes
b) yes
c) welcome to the Republican led House of Representatives

 20) ????????????????? ????? ???????????? ?? ??? ???????? ?? ? a) ?????????????!
b) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
c) I'm sorry, I was momentarily distracted by the giant flying mongoose - could you please repeat the question?