What the Heck Do You Know? Ducked At the Crucial Moment
1) When he went to Dublin to sign his biography, what was thrown at former British Prime Minister Tony Blair?
a) eggs, bottles and shoes
b) cantaloupes, combustion engines and alligators
c) cheese wedges, thesauri and garden gnomes (squirmy bastards!)
2) Which of the following positions are the Republicans most likely to run on in the 2010 mid-terms?
a) If Americans don't want to lose their insurance because of pre-existing conditions, they shouldn't have them!
b) A banker needs oversight like a fish needs a feminist!
c) If you have lost your unemployment insurance benefits, don't you feel better about yourself now that you're not sucking on the public tit? Honestly? (And, if not, what part of "lazy bum" do you not you understand?)
d) other
3) Who is Ryan Morrow?
a) a character on As the World Turns in the 1970s who was killed off after only three episodes because, surprisingly, he was too bland even for that show
b) an actor who played a character on As the World Turns in the 1970s who was killed off after only three episodes because, surprisingly, he was too bland for even that show
c) an actor who played a character in the porn movie As the World Turns Blue in the 1970s who was killed off after only three minutes because, surprisingly, his lovemaking was too mechanical even for the sex industry
4) Finish the following sentence: I will watch programmes on the RightNetwork, which was recently launched by Kelsey Grammer, of all people, when...
a) Fox News gets too liberal.
b) Rush Limbaugh has a brain hemorrhage and endorses Nancy Pelosi for President.
c) because Archie Bunker told the truth!
5) What is the classiest way to quit your job?
a) the Steven Slater method: swear up a blue streak on the PA system, grab a couple of beers and leave the plane by sliding down an emergency chute
b) the Pia Beathe Pedersen approach: tell your viewers on the air that you are quitting, and that the evening news will not be broadcast because there's nothing worth reporting on anyway
c) quitting your job in this economy? Are you insane?
6) According to Lewis "Scooter" Libby, "The world's not just." What is the most appropriate response?
a) we know, we know - you want a pardon, you only get a lousy commuted sentence - it hardly seems worth lying under oath to protect your bosses for!
b) we know, we know - still, you could have changed your name as soon as you became an adult!
c) we know, we know - because you didn't do any jail time, you can't write a "prison memoir," so the best offer you can get from a publisher for your biography is $19.99 - it well and truly sucks to be you!
d) other
!
7) According to Newt Gingrich, President Obama has displayed "Kenyan anti-colonial behaviour." What is the most appropriate response to this?
a) Gingrich should lay off the Dinesh D'Souza before breakfast
b) Gingrich is the father I wish I never had
c) who is Newt Gingrich and why does anybody take anything he says seriously?
8) Who, what, where or when is Google Me?
a) you forgot the most important "w:" whatever!
b) you forgot the most important "W," and him out of office for only 18 months - shame on you!
c) a social network for people who think Facebook isn't well enough organized
9) How did Rob Ford, well known as a bully on City Council, choose the word "respect" as the centrepiece of his Mayoral campaign?
a) his campaign manager tore pages out of a dictionary. tacked them to a dartboard, blindfolded Ford and told him to "pin the tail on the campaign slogan"
b) somebody told him that Toronto was the world's first post-modern city, and he understood that to mean that nothing had to make logical sense any more
c) it's easy to throw out words you don't really understand, isn't it?
10) What is contrastive reduplication?
a) a painful bowel disease for which the embarrassment of having has no cure
b) the final nail in the coffin of string theory
c) the need to make more copies in order to increase the range of grey tones in the image
11) Retailing giant Costco is now selling coffins. What should their advertising slogan be?
a) Putting you six feet under...at prices that won't deep six your budget!
b) Ask our friendly staff about our permanent lay-away plan!!
c) With so many locations across the country, where you choose to die is not a factor!!!
12) The Democrats have a majority of the seats in the Senate. Polls have consistently shown that a majority of Americans favour tax cuts for everybody except the wealthy. Even if a vote on such taxes lost, it would help Democrats in the mid-term elections by making the difference between them and the Republicans stark. So, naturally, Senate Majority leader Harry Reid has decided not to schedule a vote. Why?
a) after the Democratic victory in 2008, Reid is afraid another win in 2010 will go to his members' heads, and nobody likes an egotistical Democrat (not that anybody has ever met an egotistical Democrat, but we're pretty sure nobody would like one if they did exist)
b) Rush Limbaugh would say bad things about him...well, worse things...
c) I can't say, this being a family publication and all, but it rhymes with flicken Ritz - the Democrats are a bunch of flicken Ritz
13) What is the difference between science fiction and real science?
a) 3 gorgons, 12 Bunsen burners and 50 to 12,000 years
b) I'm not sure - let me ask my clone
c) real science is aquamarine
14) Recently released documents make almost no mention of former Conservative Status of Women Minister Helena Guergis, suggesting that she really had nothing to do with her husband Rachim Jaffer's shady business affairs. So, what was the real reason she was ousted from Cabinet and Prime Minister Harper asked the RCMP to investigate?
a) she wanted to redecorate Parliament Hill in shades of pink, and Harper thought that was too "girly"
b) she was starting to vocally complain about Jim Flaherty's habit of patting her ass when she walked by, and one of them had to go
c) Harper has never trusted Greeks since the Shish Kebab incident when he was 12 years old
15) Pastor Eddie Long once called homosexuality a "spiritual abortion." What does that even mean?
a) somebody let Pastor Long spend a little too much quality time with a thesaurus
b) he's not going to be invited to the Gay Straight Alliance Network dinner dance and orgy
c) Pastor Eddie Long is setting himself up for quite a fall, Pastor Eddie Long is
16) Eddie Long, the pastor of the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church who boasts of his access to world leaders, has allegedly recruited teenage boys for sex. How surprised are you by this?
a) 3.2 on the Richmond-Poindexter Gullibility Scale surprised
b) answer 15 c) surprised
c) yawning at the oblivious inevitability of it all surprised
17) Why do we keep falling in love with cyborgs?
a) when we were children, our babysitter was a toaster oven
b) believing in the Tea Party is the next best thing to being assimilated into the Borg
c) vanilla human beings have let us down too often, so we're willing to try a new flavour
d) other
18) Which of the following statements are you most likely to make?
a) "I like the idea of kids owning stocks."
b) "I like the idea of kids owning guns."
c) "I like the idea of kids getting shitfaced on cheap wine and LSD, selling the stocks to feed their habits and having a shooting spree in a very public place with the guns."
d) "I think maybe you should stop me before I have any more ideas..."
19) What does the following image represent?
a) a tomato in the shape of Jesus' nose!
b) an outtake from Woody Allen's film Sleeper
c) two hours of work in Photoshop that I could have spent watching Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
d) other
20) Mazlan Othman, head of the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs, has denied that she would be humanity's spokesperson if we made contact with aliens. Okay. The field's wide open! Who will be humanity's spokesperson if we make contact with aliens?
a) Donald Trump
b) Donald Sutherland
c) Dog the Bounty Hunter
d) Bounty, the Dog Whisperer
e) is it too late to get Mazlan Othman to change her mind?
