What the Heck Do You Know
About a Corporation BPing Into Your Corn Flakes?
1) British Petroleum says it is now capturing 10,000 barrels of oil a day from the leaking Deepwater Horizon rig. How does this claim square with last week's claim that the rig was only leaking 1,500 barrels a day?
a) that was yesterday's question - they're now up to 40,000 barrels a day
b) that was last week's question - they're now up to 60,000 barrels a day
c) that was last month's question - internal documents show that their worst case scenario is a spill of 100,000 barrels a day - really, why do you write topical humour if you can't keep up with the latest news?
d) other
2) The law says that people who clean up toxic spills should get at least 24 hours of training. Why were the people who have been cleaning oil off beaches in the Gulf only given four hours of training?
a) oh, for crying out loud! Look, we can clean the spill fast, or we can clean the spill healthy, but we can't clean the spill fast and healthy - would you please, please, please stop giving us contradictory goals!
b) when British Petroleum goes into bankruptcy and can no longer afford to pay to clean up its mess, the government will be on the hook. The company is just thinking ahead in order to save taxpayers money...
c) most of the training was about how they should protect themselves from the effects of a toxic substance, and British Petroleum knew that cleanup workers would be perfectly safe because oil is not toxic, so they could afford to skip that part
3) Uh, yeah. About that. There are reports that British Petroleum is telling cleanup crews that bring their own respirators or Hazmat suits to remove them or risk being fired. That puts a whole different spin on the safety of the cleanup, doesn't it?
a) not at all. Oil is so clean, you can eat off it. What do you think formica is made out of?
b) different spin? Please! This is not a sub-atomic particle we're talking about here! (Chew on that non-sequitur for a while!)
c) not at all - this is consistent with our position that the spill is not a health hazard. Those people keeling over at clean up sites? That's from...food poisoning. That's it - food poisoning. Across 22 beaches. Across 4 states. It's a rare form of contagious food poisoning...
4) What is TILT?
a) Tremendous Idolatry of Lateral Thinking
b) Toxicant-Induced Loss of Tolerance (it sounds much better than "people getting sick from the oil they're cleaning up" - which isn't happening, by the way - doesn't it? More scientific)
c) the end of the game for you, pinball-boy
5) How has British Petroleum responded to allegations that its disaster preparedness plan for the Gulf coast was fatally flawed?
a) it was going to airlift walruses into the Gulf to make reality conform to its plan, but then the Deepwater Horizons spill happened and its attention had to be somewhere else
b) the number of the major contact in the plan who has been dead for five years is actually to his cell phone in heaven, smarty pants, and we'll get him on the line to prove it to you as soon as he starts answering our calls
c) have you seen its new logo? It's very pretty...flowery and shit...
6) Okay, fine, maybe British Petroleum was caught in an act of creative photocopying when it drew up its disaster preparedness plan. But, other than that, the oil industry as a whole is still good at planning for emergencies like - JESUS CHRIST! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT FOUR OTHER MAJOR OIL COMPANIES HAD ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME PLAN?
a) whoa, there, Sparky, calm down. Only three out of the four mentioned protecting walruses, and only two out of the four had the phone number of the dead guy. That's barely 50 per cent. I hardly think that's worth panicking over, don't you?
b) FOR CHRISSAKES! THIS ISN'T LIKE SOME HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR CRIBBING NOTES ON AN ENGLISH EXAM! OR, ACTUALLY, MAYBE IT IS LIKE SOME HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR CRIBBING NOTES ON AN ENGLISH EXAM, AND THEN SPILLING MILLIONS OF GALLONS OF CRUDE OIL INTO THE OCEAN!
c) I stand corrected - panic away
7) British Petroleum is reportedly taking dead animals out of the water and off the beaches. What is it doing with them?
a) it is hoping to get funding for another remake of Psycho, but, this time, it will be told from the stuffed birds' point of view
b) it briefly considered using the carcasses to plug the leak at the well, but somebody finally explained the concept of "optics" to the company, and it quickly backed away from the plan
c) it is going to inject them into the empty caverns where oil used to be in the hopes that they will become oil in six billion years - who says petroleum isn't a renewable resource?
8) British Petroleum is burning leaked oil off the surface of the ocean. At the same time, they are reportedly burning alive all the sea life in the immediate area, including Kemp's Ridleys and four other endangered varieties of sea turtles. How does the company respond to this allegation?
a) we're just thinking of the restaurant owners whose livelihood has been threatened by the spill - do you know how much endangered turtle soup can go for? And, even better, we're cooking the turtles for them!
b) are you kidding? They were going to die out because of global warming due to the burning of fossil...umm...fossil fuels, anyway... anyway, let me talk to PR and get back to you on this one...
c) oh, you...noticed...
9) British Petroleum has been accused of turning away environmental vessels that were trying to save the endangered species. What's up with that?
a) THAT'S A LIE! IF YOU LOOK AT THE VIDEO CLOSELY YOU'LL SEE...BIGFOOT! UMM...IT'S BIGFOOT THAT...THAT'S TURNING AWAY - DON'T YOU SEE? - THE VIDEO IS GRAINY, BUT THAT'S VERY CLEARLY...BIGFOOT. UHH...YEAH...BIGFOOT...
b) if those environmentalists don't stay away, they could upset the delicate ecology of the flotilla of clean-up ships...
c) have you seen our new logo? It's very pretty...flowery green and shit...
10) British Petroleum tried to make a deal with Washington that would see it not paying billions of dollars in dividends to its stockholders if the Obama administration would just, you know, be nice to it. How nice?
a) taking the company home to meet the administration's parents nice
b) inviting the company to slumber parties at the White House and exchange BFF rings nice
c) avoiding laying criminal charges against company executives nice
11) In testimony to Congress, British Petroleum Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles claimed that the technology to clean up spills hadn't changed in 40 years because there hadn't been enough spills to drive research. Is he on crack?
a) yes
b) no
c) it's such a peaceful, warm feeling, man, you should really - AH! AAAAAH! SPIDERS! GET THEM OFF ME! GET THEM OFF ME! AAAAAAAAAAH!
12) British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward also testified to Congress. Match the evasion in his testimony with its likely translation.
a) "I do not remember."
b) "I was not at the meeting at which that decision was made."
c) "I'll have to get back to you on that, Senator."
i) "Admitting that could look bad to the public."
ii) "Explaining that could get me fired."
iii) "Answering that could get me lynched."
13) During Hayward's testimony to Congress, Republican Joe Barton apologized to British Petroleum for the Obama administration demanding the company put $20 billion in escrow to pay for the disaster, something he characterized as a "shakedown." A few hours later, he apologized for the apology, saying of course the company should be responsible for fixing the damage it has done. What happened in the interim?
a) Barton was watching Road Runner cartoons when he had an epiphany
b) Barton realized that he didn't need the $1.4 million the oil and gas industries had contributed to his election campaigns since 1990; from now on, he would fund his campaigns by mugging the tooth fairy
c) Barton had already started writing his apology to Tea Party members for the apology to the American people for his original apology to the oil company in his head, and it seemed like a shame to waste it
14) According to Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, it is important to find out what happened to the Deepwater Horizon, BUT the United States needs to continue drilling offshore. How can a rational person hold these two conflicting views in mind at once?
a) according to the Buddha, there are no contradictions, especially when it comes to energy policy
b) you have to squint - squint real hard - spray yourself in the eyes with lemon juice hard squinting
c) the question kind of answers itself, doesn't it?
15) Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R - Twilight Zone) advised British Petroleum that it should tell the Obama administration: "We're not going to be chumps. We're not going to be fleeced." How did she come to this conclusion?
a) she was an activist ewe in a previous life
b) she's been reading too much Damon Runyan, lately
c) how does Michele Bachmann come to any conclusion? She hits herself repeatedly in the head with a hardcover copy of the health care bill until she falls to the ground and has a vision of Herbert Hoover, who tells her what would be good for America...and she believes him
16) Some in Conservative leadership positions (I'm looking at you, Mitch McConnell) are disavowing Barton and Bachmann (although they were just parroting the rhetoric in a document that over 100 Congressional Republicans signed). Rush Limbaugh supports them. Who do you think will win this one?
a) British Petroleum
b) British Petroleum
c) British Petroleum
d) other British Petroleum
17) Louisiana District judge Martin Feldman has overturned a six month moratorium on deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico imposed by the Obama administration, even though it would have affected a mere 33 of over 3,600 rigs in the region, calling it "arbitrary and capricious." Oddly enough, Feldman has investments in Transocean, Ocean Energy, Quicksilver Resources, Prospect Energy, Peabody Energy, Halliburton, Atlas Energy Resources and other oil companies. Should he maybe, sorta, possibly have recused himself from the case?
a) recuse...secure...it's all just semantics, really
b) Judge Feldman had investments in only 17 energy companies - it's not like he had investments in 23 companies or anything suspicious like that!
c) not at all. I'm sure his hatred of the environment was an honestly arrived at opinion that had nothing to do with his energy company investments
18) Why did British Petroleum try to shut down the parody Twitter account @bpglobalpr?
a) it was funnier than pictures of waterfowl covered in oil
b) it was more incisive than Tony Hayward's testimony to Congress
c) British Petroleum never misses an opportunity to shoot itself in the foot
d) this was before it got the lesson on optics
e) other
19) As tornado season begins, there is a possibility that people in the Gulf region (and beyond) will be pelted by tarballs swept up from the ocean. If that happens, what should you do?
a) get out the still that has been an heirloom in your family since prohibition and refine the thing yourself! (One good-sized tarball can run a Pontiac Whale for three and half days!)
b) click your heels three times and repeat, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Please get me away from it!"
c) get your camera, dumbass! That's something you don't see every day!
20) The British don't like it when you call the company British Petroleum. It has been BP for over a decade, they say, and calling it by its full name is chauvinistically anti-Britain. Why do you insist upon calling the company British Petroleum?
a) I hate change. I'm still wearing underwear I bought in 1947!
b) because an oil company that changes its name as part of a campaign to pretend it is environmentally friendly makes my head hurt
c) of course I hate the British! I rooted against them in the Falklands War! I never pass by an opportunity to make fun of Tony Blair's nose! I'll never forgive them for cancelling Rising Damp!
