Headline Drive! (Deep, But Playable)

Somebody's Not Reading Their Own Newspaper...

"End of rock star era at Rideau Hall" - Toronto Star

"Our next GG inspired a character in Love Story" - Toronto Star

Hasn't Toronto Suffered Enough?

"Fantino won't rule out political future" - Globe and Mail

Press Regrets Not Catching Her More Often

"Megan Fox regrets lying to the press" - San Francisco Chronicle

The Absurd Ironyometer Needs To Get Its Ears Checked
Cannot Believe What It Just Heard

"Harris accuses teachers of 'bully tactics'" - Toronto Star

In The Sense That It Will Get Critics Off BP's Back

"Chevron says device will work" - Globe and Mail

Like I "Earned" My Purple Heart In World War I

"Milton pay draws flak
ACE chief earned $14.7-million in 2009" - Globe and Mail

Sounds Like They've Got Our Rules Down Pat

"Chinese must play by Canada's rules
Construction accident enquiry stonewalled" - National Post

Not Glenn Beck...Again!

"PLANT OF THE WEEK" - Globe and Mail

Green With Envy Will Not Be Their Predominant Colour

"Gathering world to judge Canada's green credentials" - Toronto Star

Just Look At The Leafs

"Out of World Cup for 24 years, things are looking up for Canada
WE 'CAN'T GET WORSE' - National Post

But, What If I've Just Started To Get Turned On?

"Dizziness, headache and nausea mean stop" - Globe and Mail

You Have To Register To Be A Comedian In California?
State Is A Tough House

"Deputies Search For Registered Sex Offender Comedian" - KTXL Sacramento

So...Maturity Is The Ability To Do Useless Things?

"The G20 may be useless, but the fact that we're hosting it shows we've arrived
Our rite of passage" - National Post

Headline Writer Need To Be More Careful About Noun-Verb Coordination

"Job hoppers needs to look before they leap" - Globe and Mail

AAAARGH! I Do Not Want To Think About My Dad's Exclusive - UUUUGGH! Thanks For Putting That Image In My Head!

"Golfers will be green with envy...
...once they see Dad's exclusive club" - National Post

My Dilemma: Publishing More With Less Writing
Your Dilemma: Making More Money With Less Employment

"G20 plan's dilemma: Boosting growth with less spending" - Globe and Mail

Give Them A Quart Of Vodka Every Hour To Calm Them Down What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

"Marijuana can send a brain to pot
Drug use can trigger psychosis in vulnerable people, experts say" - Toronto Star

Is He Still Alive?
(Because His Dream Doesn't Seem To Be...)

"PQ needs road map for sovereignty, Parizeau says
Too many Parti Quebecois supporters are obsessed with governing rather than preparing for independence, former premier maintains" - Globe and Mail

They Could Try Being Not Corrupt - You Know, People Like Companies That Are...Less Than Corrupt - Just An Idea...

"Goldman needs lift to image" - National Post

Headline Answers Own Question With Unprovable Assertion
Subhead Non-sequitur Appears To Undermine Headline

"AND IS ALL THIS WORTH IT? YES IT IS
The one thing global leaders agree on is that hosting world summits in urban settings requires millions of dollars in security measures" - Globe and Mail

...With The Americans - They're Nuts!

"Canada urged to stay in Afghanistan "Karzai's half-brother thanks Harper for past help, but pleads: 'Don't leave us alone' - Toronto Star

Last Of Pure Greenspanians Found In Block Of Ice In Globe Newsroom

"Sadly, the Keynesian delusion keeps mesmerizing" - Globe and Mail

Environmentalists Shocked, Hurt
Vow Not To Get Company Card For Christmas

"TRANSCANADA
Company dismisses environmentalists' concerns" - Globe and Mail

How Can I Compete?

"Daniel Robb brings humor to pillow designs"` - San Francisco Chronicle

Well, She Would Have To To Put Up With THAT Family, Wouldn't She?

"Queen 'has a wonderful sense of the absurd' - Toronto Star

Mafia Eco-activism: Don't Leave Any Witnesses In The Marine Ecology

"Experts from Russia - and even the U.S. - are keen to try
Nuke the Gulf!" - National Post

After We Thought They Had Caved In To Us

"Pride organizers cave in to politically correct bullies" - Toronto Star

Families On Welfare To Lose $5,000 A Year, Billionaires To Lose $5,000 A Year - Yeah, THAT Seems Fair!

"Shared sacrifice will be the new economic order" - Globe and Mail

I've Often Thought Of Myself As A Multi-tiered Wedding Cake, But, Uhh, Maybe We Should Leave My Icing Fetish Out Of This

"In the end, you're either a cupcake or a macaroon" - National Post

Hasn't The Gulf Of Mexico Suffered Enough?

"HAYWARD MOUNTS CHARM OFFENSIVE" - Globe and Mail

Somebody's Not Reading Their Own Newspaper, Fascionalistic Post Edition...

"Play safe in summer after brutal Q2 slide" - National Post

"It's summer. Start spending" - National Post