INT. CANADIAN BROADCAST EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY
It is warm, with lovely wood-paneling and lots of room for its solid oak furniture. The BROADCAST EXECUTIVE, a middle aged white man with a tan you just know can't be natural, sits behind a desk. The PRODUCER, a middle aged white man with a pale complexion that suggests he really should get out more, sits opposite.
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: And, how are you today?
PRODUCER: I've been -
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Alright, then. I have good news and I have bad news.
PRODUCER: Oh oh.
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: I will be producing your new show, Little Landing Strip on the Prairie.
PRODUCER: Oh, amazing! That's great news!
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No, that's bad news.
PRODUCER: But...but, if you're greenlighting the show, you must have liked the pitch.
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No. I hated the pitch.
PRODUCER: What?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Canada needs another show about cute kids growing up on the Prairies during the depression who are trying to keep a hyper-intelligent alien squid from being discovered by the authorities like...I don't know...something it really doesn't need, you know?
PRODUCER: But, the kids are really adorable.
BOADCAST EXECUTIVE: So is the hyper-intelligent alien squid. But, the pilot made less sense than Dan for Mayor.
PRODUCER: I like Dan for Mayor.
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: That's the problem. Look. The CRTC has ruled that I have to spend at least 30 per cent of my gross operating revenues on Canadian programming. Do you have any idea how much American programming I could have bought with that money?
PRODUCER: Half a season of The Marriage Ref?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Seinfeld - that putz! He had a monster, massive hit series - who could have possibly guessed that his next series wasn't going to be as big?!
PRODUCER: Erm...
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Seinfeld - that gonif! - he robbed us blind on The Marriage Ref!
PRODUCER: You didn't have to buy it.
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: What? And, let Global get their grubby little claws on it? How would Canadian broadcasting have been served by that?
PRODUCER: Umm...
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Exactly. Now, back to Little Landing Strip on the Prairie. We've pretty much decided where the series is going to air.
PRODUCER: The main network?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No.
PRODUCER: BravoCase?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No.
PRODUCER: The Showy Entertainment Network?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No.
PRODUCER: Movie Time?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No.
PRODUCER: Umm, could you give me a clue? I'm kind of running out of -
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: You eat it with jelly.
PRODUCER: What...?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: You spread it on bread...
PRODUCER: I don't think -
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: It sticks to the roof of your mouth!
PRODUCER: Mmm...no, I -
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Oh, for the love of Moses! Spliffy! You're going on the Spliffy Peanut Butter Network!
PRODUCER: You own that?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: We don't advertise the fact - it's a network about peanut butter for crying out loud! - but, yeah. We own it.
PRODUCER: Where...uhh...
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Is it on the dial?
PRODUCER: Right.
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Sorry to interrupt, but I only have a minute and 37 seconds before I have to ignore a phone call about a meeting I don't want to take about a charity I'm already regretting I donated to. Spliffy can be found after the Accidental Coleslaw Network and just before pay-per-view celebrity autopsies.
PRODUCER: H...how many viewers does the Spliffy Peanut Butter Network get?
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Hard to say. Nielsen won't touch it - says that its auditors refuse to go there because it's in a bad neighbourhood.
PRODUCER: That's terrible!
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: I know. After the ratings they gave us last season for Flashoforwardpoint, the bastards deserve a little roughing up!
PRODUCER: No, I mean where you've placed my show on the dial - that's terrible news!
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No, that's good news. It means we don't have to clog up the main networks with programming that nobody wants to see.
PRODUCER: Canadian programming!
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Like I said.
PRODUCER: But -
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Listen, I only have...23 seconds left, so let me cut to the chase: you get a produced show that can go on your reel, I get the government off my back without doing anything that would piss of my shareholders. If that isn't a win/win, I don't know what is.
PRODUCER: But -
SOUND: telephone rings.
BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta not take this...