What the Heck do You Know? Knows It Should Have Flossed More...Now!

1) Will there be video games in heaven? a) no, but you would be surprised how many people come to love ping pong when they have all of eternity to play it
b) yes, but they will all be of the quality of Left Behind: Eternal Forces, so nobody will want to play them forever
c) what do you think Earth is?

 2) In the wake of the earthquake that devastated Haiti, we were told that it would take years to rebuild the country, but that Canada was completely committed to the task. Now, less than three months later, we're outta there. What gives? a) time works differently in Ottawa than it does anywhere else (as anybody who has watched a Parliamentary debate can attest)
b) our soldiers need a time out to buff their pecs
c) Haiti...Haiti...why does that sound so familiar...? Can you give me a clue...?

 3) "Molson Canadian: made from Canada." What does this advertisement tag line mean? a) each bottle contains ground up used hockey tape (which gives their beer that unique smoky flavour)
b) the company gets a beaver to piss into the vat towards the end of the brewing process (which gives its beer that unique pissy flavour)
c) so, that's where the concrete from all of those potholes goes!

 4) When President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Colin Powell and other members of that government lied about Saddam Hussein having weapons of mass destruction, didn't any of them wonder what would happen when it was determined that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction? a) you live on Planet Facts, don't you?
b) to wonder, you have to have a sense of wonder, or maybe be wonderful and, umm, did my mind just wander, I wonder?
c) oh, sure. Powell rubbed his chin thoughtfully and Cheney's scowl was, for the briefest moment, not as intense as it usually is; but, then Bush chased the thoughts away with an ill-considered joke that involved more profanity than was, strictly speaking, necessary, and everything went back to normal

 5) The search for summer work is on, and it comes amid predictions that student jobless numbers could match last year's. So why is this job hunter so confident? a) his dad has promised that his resume will go to the top of the pile
b) the mushrooms just kicked in
c) his dad has promised that he won't kick him out of the house until the economy has improved (and the mushrooms have worn off)

 6) What is the proper relationship between the federal government and state governments? a) fear and loathing
b) Steve and Edie
c) mac and cheese
d) none and not any of the above

 7) If X, Y and Z are three different prime numbers greater than 2, and N = X x Y x Z, how many positive factors does "N" have? a) are you kidding me? The anti-Christ sits in the Oval Office ready to take away all of our freedoms by implanting computer chips in our rectums designed by the United Nations' One World Directorate, and you're asking me a...math question? Seriously - what planet are you on?
b) eight, but three are Democrats, so they don't count
c) sorry, but Republicans don't do "positive"

 8) Who or what is Repo 105? a) the record for most sequels to a movie that wasn't all that great to begin with
b) the most popular course at Recession U
c) the flange extruder on the Mark 10 Foozle Flobberer (now available exclusively from Ronco)
d) other


 9) A news article starts: "Stop me if you've heard this one before: a man walks out of a bar and leaves behind a super-secret piece of technology..." What should the headline be? a) There isn't an app for that
b) The Apple falls far from the tree
c) Lame joke in lede bodes ill for important tech story

 10) What kind of moron would use "123456" as a computer password? a) the kind who thinks Microsoft Office had better contain ergonomically sound furniture or he won't want to work in it
b) the kind who hasn't mastered the concept of letters
c) are you suggesting that that's not a good passwor - excuse me, I have to...umm - I'll be right back!
d) other


 11) "Many of us spend time trying to place Barack Obama in the correct collectivist phylum. Is he a Saul Alinsky socialist? An Anita Dunn Maoist? A Van Jones Marxist? A mummified Wilsonian progressive suddenly come back to life?" Oh, don't leave me hanging, Mister Tea Party Activist, sir! Which one is it? a) actually, Obama is a Joseph McCarthy fascist...no, wait...
b) what? That's it? Joseph McCarthy fascist? That's your answer? It wasn't even one of the choices! Don't Tea Partiers even know how to structure a multiple choice question? HINT: the correct answer should be one of the choices stated in the question!
c) what can we say? We're mavericks (even if John McCain isn't)!

 12) What is a kleptocracy? a) rule by the most physically maladroit - no, wait, that's a klutzocracy
b) rule by an inept French police detective - no, wait, that's a Cluseaucracy
c) rule by the tensest Jewish person - no, wait, that a ferklemptocra - hey! Where did my wallet go?!

 13) Ann Coulter is a satirist like... a) Hannibal Lecter was a vegetarian.
b) Attila the Hun was a pacifist.
c) somebody who is mean-spirited and not very funny, but definitely not a satirist is a satirist.

 14) Have the nuances of online privacy become so complex that they're beyond the comprehension of mere mortals? a) ubb de bwageea fopple fopple mierwaisted gublungen
b) gurgle gurgle gurgle
c) perhaps, but not to worry: when the Internet becomes sentient, it will surely explain all of that to us, and much more besides

 15) In his address to the White House Correspondents Dinner, President Obama made the following joke, ostensibly to the Jonas brothers: "Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming." Would the joke have been funnier if he had said: "Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Three words for you: improvised explosive devices. You will never see it coming."? a) yes
b) no
c) damn you for demanding absolute standards of behaviour the one time we want to advocate relativism!

 16) The video The Restoration of Stephen Baldwin asks the question: "What if 10 percent of the 159 million Christians in America gave a Token Gift? What if 10 percent of the world's two billion Christians gave a token gift?" Well, what if? a) Stephen Baldwin would be very happy
b) the Pope would be very unhappy (unless he got his cut - after all, the tithe will out)
c) that would be a lot of people who would have to forego Thursday's McHappy Meal, so Stephen Baldwin better be plenty fucking happy!

 17) Where do sewing and high tech intersect? a) the seat of your programmable pants
b) in Sweden's Grambling Institute of Sewing and High Tech
c) in Jeanne Beker's fevered imagination
d) none of the above

 18) Who said: "The strong do as they wish, and the weak suffer as they must"? a) Pee Wee Herman
b) Helen Keller
c) Thusy...Toothy...Lucy...Soothydidos...Juicydildos...uhh, some Greek guy who has been dead for a long, long time

 19) What is the early Archean Magnetopause? a) I don't know, but I'm sure my wife has it
b) the setting for next week's episode of Doctor Who
c) it was a stage in the evolution of the earth's magnetic core when no life could exist on the planet except for the hardiest lawyers. It was characterized by frivolous lawsuits against the boiling magma that covered over 34% of the planet's surface. The atmosphere was made up of gases that were not conducive to carbon-based life forms, gases that these days can only be found hovering over Washington, Ottawa and other national capitals. Successive waves of solar wind ensured that - oh, wait. The early Archean Magnetopause? I'm sorry, I was thinking of the late Archean Magnetopause. Who even cares about the early Archean Magnetopause any more?
d) the full name of a Marvel X-Men character (and, with a name like that, can you blame him for being pissed off all the time?)
e) other


 20) Is a paranoid US losing its grip on reality? a) yes
b) no
c) wha - ha? Are you - who are you calling paranoid, Jack? I mean, do you have any idea what we have to do just to get through the day? We - we're surrounded by enemies - and those are just our friends! Who are - who do you think - who are you? You one of those people who resents other people who are just trying to get by? Yeah, yeah, I'll bet you are, aren't y - WHERE'S MY GUN? SO HELP ME, JESUS, I'M NOT GONNA ASK YOU POLITELY TO GET AWAY FROM ME AGAIN!