Thank you, Charmaine Lowe-Rezz, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we walked past the coffee shop in Brooklyn that offers a drink with 10 shots of espresso, a drink so potent that they won't sell it to people over 40, and experienced an especially ugly deja vu. When we were 12, we had to make fake IDs to prove we were older than we were to buy the drink we wanted; now that we're 42, we have to make fake IDs to prove we're younger than we are to buy the drink we want! Shit! Where did we put the X-Acto knife and Krazy Glue...?
Enjoy,Forget Tragedy - We're Going Straight To Farce
The Allies have made the embarrassing admission that the Nazi commander they were courting with cash and free transportation, was probably an imposter rather than a possible partner in peace talks.
"We were sure we were talking to Josef Goebbels," Prime Minister Winston Churchill growled. "Oops. Don't let it get you down, though - we're going to win the war and all that harrumph harrumph mumble mumble!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=15322641375941317687fx]
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Has Bright Future Ahead In Airport Security
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1353534998]
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Government Strahls Recall Legislation
Federal Transport Minister Chuck "Steak" Strahl said the government will not introduce legislation that will force automakers to recall defective vehicles. "If we mandate recalls," he explained, "aliens could attack our major metropolitan areas with death rays and nobody would be able to escape because their vehicles had been recalled and, if humanity ever regained control of the planet, we would be put on trial for being enemies of the human race, and that would really hurt our chances of getting reelected."
Opposition parties responded that this scenario seemed highly implausible. Science fiction fans, on the other hand, nodded appreciatively and muttered to themselves that they could sooooo see this happening.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2010/11/23/[more]101123]
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Next Episode: She'll Jump Out Of A Helicopter, Wrestle A Bear To The Ground And Take Its Still Beating Heart Out Of Its Chest With Nothing But Her Bare Hands And A Cheese Grater
6am. Fox. Fox and Fiends. Will Sarah Palin run for the Presidency in 2012? She says that she hasn't decided, and tells viewers to ignore the "Palin for President 2012 World (Except for the Parts Outside The Good Old US of A) Tour" t-shirt that she is wearing. To be fair, it does say, "Being coy to sell more copies of my new book" on the back.
9pm. TLC. Sarah Palin's Alaska. To halt a precipitous slide in ratings after the first episode, Sarah does increasingly outrageous things. TONIGHT: Sarah gets a little tipsy and offers to arm wrestle Levi Johnson topless.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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I've Got Dibs On Albert's Desk!
To eat the cookie (verb phrase): to embarrass yourself so badly in public that your employer cannot allow you to keep your job. Originally referred to Alberta Health Services President and CEO Stephen Duckett, who brushed off questions from reporters about the province's health care system by waving a cookie at them and saying he was too busy to answer them because he was eating it. EXAMPLE: Did you see Albert in accounting give the CEO the finger at the AGM? He sure ate the cookie on that one - I bet he's out by the end of the week!
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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20 to life) Former House majority leader Tom Delay has been convicted of illegally funneling corporate money to Texas candidates in 2002. He faces five years to life in prison for money laundering and two to 20 years for conspiracy. What would be the best headline on this story?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Don't Ask How Douglas Adams Knew - The Man Was A Genius
The Conservative government has recently denied two United Arab Emirates airlines new Canadian landing rights and blocked the hostile takeover of Potash Corporation by Australia's BHP Bilton. Are they really dedicated to free trade, or are they making up trade policy as they go along?
As a matter of fact, the Tories do have a method for deciding such matters. It is a formula that looks like this:
If the sum is greater than 42, the Conservatives block the deal. If the sum is less than 42, the Conservatives allow the deal to go through.
You can't say the Conservatives don't have a plan. It may be insane. But, it is a plan.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=707&dir=bb]
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The Flight Will Be Fully...Covered?...On Naked News
American Airlines has announced its first nudist flight. Passengers will check in in their underwear, then take that off while waiting to go through security.
"They don't actually have to be going to a nudist colony, nudist beach or nudist Filipino restaurant," said airline spokesperson Phyllida Phyllum. "They just have to be sick to death of invasive security techniques and willing to have a little bit of fun."
Comfort with one's body is strongly advised, Phyllum added, but not required.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2010-11-25-flight-from-sanity_x.htm]
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What Are The Odds They Want The Word "Suck," Too?
After successfully trademarking the word "face," Facebook is now in negotiations with Warner/EMI to use its property, "the music," in the company's advertising. It is also rumoured to be interested in acquiring the phrase "in your," which is currently owned by the estate of Serenity Teasdale and her little pet alligator Missy Fluffkins. As if that wasn't enough, analysts believe it is only a matter of time before Facebook asks Seiko for permission to use of the word "time."
Facebook was, of course, unsuccessful in its bid to trademark the word "to," which would have given the company exclusive world rights to use a common phrase in its promotional material, but etymological legal experts believe that this is a minor setback.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/101031/geeklynews/01mollflindas.htm]
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