Thank you, Tzipporah Wallace, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we found out that were Parent Tested, Parent Rejected. We're not sure what this means, but we haven't felt this bad since our real parents rejected us!
Enjoy,I Know I Am, But What Are Y - No, Wait...
POLITICIAN: My opponent has been conspiring with criminal elements to have me killed. I have it on good authority that I will be shot in the back of the head in the comfort of my own home, and the assassination will be made to look like a break-in gone horribly wrong.
REPORTER: But, your opponent was the one who was shot in the head last night. He was killed in the comfort of his own home and the police have labeled it a break-in gone horribly wrong.
POLITICIAN: Umm...
REPORTER: Are you suggesting that the police are wrong, and that your opponent's death was not caused by a break-in?
POLITICIAN: Now, let us not be hasty. I'm sure there is a way I can make it seem like my opponent's murder is part of a larger plot to undermine me...
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=681&dir=bb]
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And, That's All You Need To Know
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Some Pope-l Just Don't Get It
If there was a just don't get it Olympics, the Vatican would be a multiple gold winner.
Vatican Radio called reporting on sex abuse in the Church "a media campaign of anti-Catholic hatred." Seriously? Was reporting on his sex scandal "a media campaign of anti-Tiger Woods hatred?" Was coverage of his sex scandal a "media campaign of anti-David Duchovny hatred?" Was coverage of his sex scandal a "media campaign of anti-John Ensign hatred?" Was coverage of - okay, I could go on, but you get the point: the media live for sex scandals. They certainly aren't singling the Catholic Church out.
The Vatican wins gold for the Hundred Yard Responsibility Evasion Dash.
One presenter on Vatican Radio compared the current climate to the persecution of early Christian martyrs. The parallels are obvious: then, early Christians were persecuted by a powerful government; now, the Catholic Church is a powerful government. Then, Christians were put to death for their beliefs; now, Catholics are being asked to stand trial for their crimes.
Vatican Radio takes first place in the Shot (Off Mouth And Stay) Put event.
Not to be outdone, Angelo Sodano, the Vatican's dean of the College of Cardinals, said: "It's not the fault of a bishop if one of his priests stained himself with grave errors - and it certainly isn't the responsibility of the Pope." Grave errors. Nice description of child molestation. No, a bishop cannot be blamed for a priest who has sex with minors. THE BISHOP CAN BE BLAMED FOR COVERING UP THE ACTIONS OF THE PRIEST, ALLOWING THE ABUSE OF CHILDREN TO CONTINUE FOR YEARS, SOMETIMES DECADES.
If there was a gold medal for the 100 Minor Breaststroke...that would just be wrong on so many levels even I wouldn't make that joke.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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When Those Who Benefit From Legal Kickbacks Kick Back
In response to the Ontario government's plan to reduce prices for generic drugs, retail chain Rexall and Pharma Plus has announced that it will trim services and add service charges. "The government is interfering with our right to gouge our customers on drug prices," said CEO Andy Giancamilli, "and it should expect serious consequences!"
After a moment's pause, Giancamilli added: "Gee, that got a much more positive response when I said it in the boardroom..."
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Headline Delirium Tremens
HBO has renewed its new show Treme for a second season just days after its premier. Too bad. I was looking forward to writing an article prominently featuring the word ex-Treme. Still, I suppose it'll work out for the best. I can wait...
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Nobody Wants To Talk About The Gnat In The Room
"We have men and women who are over there, putting their lives on the line to help the population in its struggle against the Taliban," Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said in response to Hamid Karzai musing about joining the Taliban. "These remarks are not helpful."
Karzai was deeply affected by Harper's rebuke. "Did you just hear something?" Karzai commented. "It was a high-pitched, buzzing sound. Sort of like an insect, or something? Did you hear a buzzing?"
"In the context of the dangerous work our people are doing," Harper continued, "they are completely unacceptable to Canada and, I'm sure, the same is true for our allies."
"There it is again!" Karzai stated. "Did you not hear it? A buzzing sound? Maybe it wasn't an insect - it could have been the air conditioning. I will definitely have to have that looked into!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20100410.eladvote0410_@/BNStory/newsKarzaiCatastrophe2010/]
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I Don't Want To Be Part Of Your Revolution If I Can't Drink Until I Fall Over
It's no secret that the Republicans, having lost in their all or nothing opposition to health care reform, hope to make up lost ground by killing financial reform. However, just because the system will eventually crash and burn if their do-nothingism is allowed to succeed doesn't mean that you can't have fun at their expense. Every time you hear a Republican say the following word or phrase, take the accompanying drink.
| Word | Drink |
|---|---|
| accountability | Pina Colada |
| big bank bailout | cheap moonshine |
| transparency | Black Russian |
| lobbyist loopholes | Martini |
| bureaucrats | Screwdriver |
| special interests | Mai Tai |
| wasteful Washington spending | Cosmopolitan |
| hard working taxpayers | Rum punch |
| red tape | Brown Cow |
| let's help small business | turpentine |
If you have a weak stomach or liver damage, or are averse to projectile vomiting, play the game by taking a drink if any of these phrases are said by Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Sarah Palin or John McCain.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/118^.htm]
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