Thank you, Neering Bobrow, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we couldn't help but be amused by the journalistic surge in articles naming the surge in American troops in Iraq a success. Really? By the time the surge had taken place, most of the ethnic cleansing of neighbourhoods had already taken place; it's like a quarterback taking the field two hours after the game is over and claiming to score a winning touchdown because he crossed the goal line with a ball. Another contributing factor to the decrease in violence in Iraq was the fact that the we paid off our enemies not to kill us. Don't mind the country's budgetary problems; the US should be able to keep up the payments until at least...next week. Of course, when we talk about a decrease in violence, we are talking about something relative: there have been so many lethal bombings since the American surge that Iraqis are running out of days to call "Black." They're either going to have to use different colours ("Really, Really Dark Maroon Monday") or add roman numerals ("Black Thursday XIV").
Oh, yeah. The surge in Iraq was a huge success.
Good luck with the surge in Afghanistan.
Enjoy,At the 50th anniversary of the Copenhagen Summit on climate change, Canada has asked for an exemption from stiff regulation. Having used up its oil resources decades ago and seen the flight of its wealthy citizens to China, Canada has made the case that it is basically a third world country and, therefore, does not have the funds to commit to battling environmental degradation.
"You see," former Prime Minister Stephen Harper crowed from his home in Hunan Province, "I did have a plan to deal with climate change. It was just long-term. Very...very long-term."
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322648784641312687fx]
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Corporate Consolidation - The MySQL
Oracle Corporation is arguing against objections from the European Union that its purchase of Sun Microsystems will lessen competition in the database market. "MySQL? Pfft!" exclaimed an Oracle filing to the EU. "Nobody uses that old thing!"
When the EU asked why, if MySQL is so unimportant, Oracle wanted to buy the company that makes it, the filing blinked a couple of times and replied: "Nostalgia?"
When the EU looked blankly at it, the filing hastily added: "No, not nostalgia. What's that thing that's like nostalgia...only purpler? You know, uhh, uhh, umm...well, whatever it is, it certainly has nothing to do eliminating competition in order to increase our share of the market. Nope. The thought never occurred to us."
European Union deliberations continue.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.news.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD282O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/28/
e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=29963]
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Power Comes From The Barrel Of A Steam Engine
Tuesday. 2:30pm. PBS. Thomas the Tank Engine. Percy leads a revolt against "the oppressive standard of the 'Really Useful Engine.'" "We didn't choose this standard of behaviour," Percy tells the bemused citizens of the train yard of Sodor Island, "and we didn't choose to be made the way we are. Why should we be teased for that?" Mavis holds a parallel rally to gain more respect for female engines. When Sir Topham Hatt appears with members of the national guard, everybody learns a valuable lesson.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Putting The Cart PLC Before The Horse Ltd.
The Bank of Canada is warning that the stock market rally will not be sustainable unless consumers buy more goods. "Brokers are doing their part," Gretch Stratocaster, head of the Canadian Going for Brokers Association (CGBA), commented. "Come on, people! Everybody else has to go out and spend money or all of our good work will be for nothing!"
When it was pointed out that maybe, you know, the stock market should reflect the health of the economy, not the other way around, Stratocaster snorted. "Well, sure, the ninety per cent of people who don't work in the financial services sector might think that. The rest of us know better!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?iq=49ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a674]
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A fistfight broke out in a recent issue of The Daily Me when an article focusing on proponents of increased consumer spending as a means of buoying the economy clashed with an article about how household debt could put the Canadian economic recovery at risk.
"Mark Carney has it right," the article on household debt, spitting blood out of its mouth, exclaimed. "The consequences of long-term, unsustainable debt could far outweigh the short-term benefits of increased consumer spending."
The article on increased spending refused to comment, saying that it would release a statement through its lawyer once it had been looked over by a doctor.
"That...that's never happened before," stated Daily Me proprietor I. Leonard Najman from his hospital bed. "This news shit - is it exciting or what?"
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Not To Be Confused With The Place Where Homesteaders In The Old West Used To Buy Their Necessaries
To General shop (verb): to fire Generals who disagree with your war policies until you promote one to the command position who does. USAGE: It's rich that the Republicans are calling on President Obama to listen to what his military commanders tell him about how to wage the war in Afghanistan, considering how much they General shopped when they were in charge of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq!"
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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The Chubby Bubbies XXX Web site is claiming that the Toronto Transit Commission has reneged on a deal to allow it to advertise on the side of streetcars. The advertisement consisted of the Web site's slogan, "Life is short. Find somebody big."
"We never had an agreement with...Chubby Bubbies," said Councillor Joe Mihevc, vice-chair of the TTC. "In fact, we have no record of anybody from that...organization approaching us enquiring about advertising.
If that's the case, why has Chubby Bubbies XXX been sending out a press release accusing the TTC of going back on the deal? "Maybe," Councillor Mihevc suggested, "they thought they could get free publicity from publications like y -"
Dammit!
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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