by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
A bad toupee has led to the discovery of a plot by a religious cult to take over Washington.
One day, Senator John Banner (R., Nevada) had a full head of black, curly hair. The next, he had a raggedy mop of dark brown hair.
"He looked like somebody had collected the furballs his cat had spit up, somehow tied them together and plopped the resulting mess on his head," said journalist Jeff Sharlott, "It looked like his grandmother had started knitting a sweater but stopped after a couple of hours and he didn't know any other way to wear what she had made. It looked like something the Coen brothers rejected for Javier Bardem's character in No Country for Old Men.
"It didn't look normal."
Ordinarily, bad hair wouldn't elicit attention from the Washington press corps (not since Nixon, in any case), but Sharlott began to notice other politicians with strange dos. Senator James Inhoofe (R., Oklahoma), for instance, was starting to go a little thin on top one day; the next, he seemed to have a mullet. Senator Jim DeMent (R., South Carolina) had a fro that looked like a reject from a Melvin Van Peeble's film. You could use balding Senator Sam "Not James" Brownnose (R., Kansas)'s new hair to mop up a tennis court. Word's cannot begin to describe the monstrosity on top of Representative Zach Wampum (R., Tennessee)'s head.
What do these and at least 27 other Congressmen, mostly Republicans but with a sprinkling of Democrats for exotic flavour, have in common? They all belong to a little known (until Sharlott's book on the subject, at which point it became moderately poorly known) religious organization called The Family Way.
The Family Way is a Jesusian group based on a few simple concepts: Jesus was a free market advocate; Jesus believed in infiltrating governments in order to promote the free markets he believed in; if you promoted free market economics in strict accordance with his teachings, you were an okay guy in Jesus' books.
"It was this last one that got them in trouble," commented Sharlott, who spent a month living at the group's EC Street compound in Washington as research for his book.
Being in tight with Jesus because you were doing his good works meant that you were forgiven for anything else you may have done in your life. While in office, both Senator Banner and South Carolina Governor Sanford N. Sonne, for example, had such absurd affairs that they defy description, much less satire; but, because they were made guys in the eyes of Jesus, the consequences were minimal.
"Any conduct could be forgiven as long as they were chosen," Sharlott explained. "Just like jocks in high school. Still, the affairs brought embarrassing public attention to The Family Way. You have to understand: these guys are so secretive, they make The DaVinci Code look like Where's Waldo? Although they made no public statements, it was clear they had to do something."
What they felt they had to do wasn't clear until a windy day in the Beltway. Inhoofe, rushing to catch a meeting on crushing health care reform - bipartisanally - was caught by a gust that blew the lid off his head and the conspiracy: many pictures were taken of the scar on his bald pate.
"They had lobotomies!" Sharlott exclaimed.
"Actually, they were only partial lobotomies," CNN's Doctor Sanjay Gupta corrected him. "The point was to sever the part of the brain that controls will from the part of the brain that controls rational thought. The theory that had been circulating the medical profession was that if you could do something like that, you could create a completely controllable person. But, it took a crazy religious sect to pull it off!"
The Family Way had apparently been experimenting with lobotomizing its politically connected followers as early as the 1970s, when it fully lobotomized Senator Throb Sturman (R., South Carolina, D.). This caused Sturman to blurt out non-sequiturs and drool uncontrollable, but journalists chalked this up to his age.
Experimentation led to the partial lobotomies, which are carried out using laser scalpels. Patients are "bent to god's will" (totally compliant) without becoming obvious drooling shadows of humanity ("devout").
"It's actually quite brilliant," Dr. Gupta commented admiringly, "if you can overlook the strange influence of a small religious cult on the political culture of the nation. Fortunately, being a medical correspondent, I can!"
Many of the Senators and Representatives connected to The Family Way have issued statements denying having any medical procedures done on their brains. "The led [sic] in the water in Washington may have caused some hair loss," every single statement claimed. "Otherwise, nothing unusual is going on hear [sic]. The Senator/Representative looks forward to serving the people of his state."
Sixteen identical statements, right down to the typos. Nope. Nothing suspicious here.
"Still, we shouldn't make too much of this whole 'lobotomization' thing," Sharlott advised. "It's not like any of the Congressmen involved were the brightest bulbs in the chandelier to begin with!"