by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
It happened when Shernold Telepatheur was coaching his eight year-old son's little league team, The Waxahatchie Hatchetmen. They had a big game coming up against the Petaluma Native Stereotypes on the weekend, and he wanted to make sure they perfected their first to centre fielder to third double play.
As Telepatheur gently encouraged his son by shouting, "Throw it to Jimmy! To Jimmy! How hard can that be? Throw the [EXPLETIVE] ball to [EXPLETIVE] Jimmy!" his penis unexpectedly became erect. At first, Telepatheur tried to ignore the, uhh, extra bat on the field, but, when Jimmy shouted, "Hey, look! Coach Telepatheur's got a chubbie!" and the kids started giggling and pointing at his groin, he had to order himself to go to the showers.
At this point, the story could have just been another case of a man loving his child...and his child's best friend...and their right fielder...too much. However, without meaning to disappoint tabloid editors everywhere, the truth is more sciency: Telepatheur was one of the first patients to get a Love Zinger.
The creation of Smerck Industries, in collaboration with The Playboy Network, the Love Zinger is a computer chip implanted into the brains of men who have - my apologies to the squeamish, but I refuse to use a euphemism for this - erectile dysfunction. When the Love Zinger detects an amorous moment - the dim candlelight, the soft caresses, the insincere avowal of admiration for the music of Enya - it zips into action.
"Failure to get it up - what laypeople call "erectile dysfunction" - is the leading cause of divorce among the chronically insecure," Moira Hoeckbritsky, chief researcher assistant and ballbuster at Smerck Industries, explained. "The Love Zinger chip is the climax of over a decade of frenzied research that, we hope, will help men get it on by helping them get off.
"Ooh," Hoeckbritsky added, flushed, "I think I need a cigarette!"
The microchip had the usual side effects (including: swelling of the middle finger, nasal hair edema, beating of teeth and gnashing of breasts, baby navel, flash headaches, flash mobs, flashing, cholesterol immaturitation, paisley lips, prolonged hardening of the nipples, Republicanism, roofing shingles and onomatopoeia). But, according to the satisfied customers in Smerck Industries' advertising campaign, it worked!
Unfortunately, the Love Zinger has a Love Bug: for reasons its creators have yet to find a plausible excuse for, it occasionally fires at random, usually at the most awkward, inconvenient times. Already, in addition to Telepatheur, there are reports of men with the Love Zinger implant having erections while fly fishing, watching S-Span and, most inexplicably, having root canal surgery.
"Yeah," Hoeckbritsky snorted, "men getting off at the wrong time. Big surprise, there!"
"Ah sense a suhtain lack of empathy heah," stated Harold "Gerald" McBoing-Boing. "Which ah would lahk the jury ta keep in mind - oh, ha ha, ah seem to have gotten a little ahead of mahself. Do pahdon me."
McBoing-Boing, an attorney with the firm of Leo Gazonga Bushmiller Trellice, has initiated a class action suit against Smerck Industries on behalf of all of the men with the Love Zinger implant who have suffered the embarrassment of awkward forwardness. "Ah figuh theah's gotta be at least a gabillion dollars wuth of sufferin' here, yo honah - pahdon me, I mean, Mistuh Neidergaahden."
"Gerald McBoing-Boing?" Hoeckbritsky sneered. "Please! Isn't he the ambulance chaser who spearheaded the class action lawsuit against the McNaughton Ambulance Company? I'll take him seriously when hell starts licensing ice cream concessions!"
Telepatheur has not yet decided whether to join the class action suit. "My wife hasn't gotten over the whole Little League thing, yet," he admitted. "On the other hand, my regular call girl loves it...at least, she says she does...so, I'm torn.
"You really think," he added, "that there's a gabillion dollars worth of hurt here?"
Calls for Smerck Industries to recall the Love Zinger have started to be heard in Congress. "Hey, they approved the chip! They're just covering their asses!" Hoeckbritsky shouted. After a moment, she thoughtfully added: "By which, I mean, of course, that it has always been the policy of Smerck Industries to work with the government to ensure that our medical products are of the highest quality and most benefit to the public. And, by god, that's what we will continue doing!"