by FRED CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Science Writer
Given how deeply our lives are enmeshed with technology, how things like the Internet, iPhones and the Waterpik are such an integral part of our everyday existence, anybody who chooses to live without the latest high tech has to be considered antisocial, at best, and downright revolutionary at worst.
This is the position of the Cozy Tea Society. Don't be fooled by the soporific name: the Cozy Tea Society are a rabid bunch of eco-anarcho-Neo-Luddite throwbacks who reject technology when it doesn't suit their purposes. In short: they oppose everything you hold dear in your life.
I recently spoke with the president of the Cozy Tea Society. She asked to be identified only as Mrs. Harriet Benchley of 21 Sussex Drive, Norfolk, a handsome woman of a certain age with sparkling eyes behind her horn-rimmed glasses who is slow to anger and quick with a smile who likes to spend her Fridays around the corner at the Queen and Commoner Pub and wouldn't say no to a pint and a game of darts if the right man asked if you know what she means. Harriet's a wicked one for the darts. Given the radical agenda of the organization she heads, it is understandable that she wouldn't want to give information that could help authorities identify her.
This is a partial transcript of our interview.
ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE: Why do you want to destroy society?
HARRIET BENCHLEY: I do?
ARNS: Do you have any idea where we would be without toaster ovens?
HB: In a pretty sad state, I should imagine.
ARNS: I couldn't disagree more. The world would fall ap - what?
HB: I do a lot of baking in my toaster oven.
ARNS: Maybe the toaster oven is a bad example. I mean, you hate technology, right?
HB: Weeeeelllll, not really, no. I just think that we shouldn't pursue every technology just because we can.
ARNS: AHA!
HB: Aha?
ARNS: If we didn't pursue every technology just because we could, our society would fall apart.
HB: I highly doubt that. Still, What the Cozy Tea Society advocates is that every person should weigh the pros and cons of each new technology and only use the ones which they feel will make their life better.
ARNS: And, reject the ones that won't.
HB: And, reject the ones that won't.
ARNS: AHA!
HB: Again with the 'Aha!'?
ARNS: Technological innovation is the driver of the new economy. If people had a choice, they might choose not to use it. The whole system would collapse!
HB: That seems a bit extreme.
ARNS: It is! It's very extreme! It's as extreme as it gets!
HB: Well! If we're going to be contemplating complete social collapse, I need some tea. Would you like some tea?
ARNS: Tea? That would be...nice of you.
HB: You seem surprised that I could be nice. Why not? You didn't expect when you came to interview me that I would have fangs, did you?
ARNS: Yes. Maybe. You know. Little ones. Little fangs. But, uhh, pronounced.
HB: Ah. Well. I think I really do need that tea, now.
(Pause while Harriet Benchley makes tea.)
HB: There. That's better. I find that everything seems to be easier with a nice, relaxing cup of tea.
ARNS: AHA!
HB: What now?
ARNS: You made tea!
HB: Yes...?
ARNS: With a kettle!
HB: Right...
ARNS: On a stove!
HB: I'm sorry, but I don't see your point.
ARNS: You haven't rejected technology entirely. If you had, you wouldn't be using a pot on a stove. You would boil the water for the tea over a wood fire in a pit using a...a hollowed out coconut!
HB: That sounds positively barbaric.
ARNS: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY!
HB: But, that's not what I believe.
ARNS: I'm sorry?
HB: The Cozy Tea Society believes in appropriate technology, appropriateness to be determined by each individual.
ARNS: Anarchy!
HB: That's a bit of a stretch.
ARNS: Well, with your radical reasonableness, you're not helping.
HB: Mmm. Would you like some cookies?
ARNS: Are they factory made?
HB: No. I'm sorry - I made them myself. Fresh out of the oven.
ARNS: You bastard. You sick...sick bastard. Will you stop at nothing to score political points?
HB: Sorry. (Pause.) They're chocolate chip.
ARNS: Well...maybe just one...or two...
That's the problem with radical belief systems - they can be highly seductive. And, actually, quite tasty...