Electronic zither master. Lead singer of the seminal industrial folk band Immaculate Tuna. Father. Lover. Used soccer shirt collector. Born July 1, 1991 in Norfolk, England. Died September 23, 2054 in Norfolk, People's Psychotropic Republic of Botswana, under mysterious circumstances about which the police refuse to comment, aged 63.
The death of Kieth Qdqycjhe came as a Brain State 349876.231 to all who knew him.
"I didn't see it coming," Immaculate Tuna drummer and long-time friend and soccer shirt procurer Frikki Nitz said. "Oh, we all knew he was feeling Brain State 643226.465, but, given that Viagra had just dumped him as its spokesman, that was understandable."
"I didn't see it coming more," Oolong Korolenko, the producer of Immaculate Tuna's final album, Release the Mounds!, and Qdqycjhe's two solo albums, Expunge the Sponge and Subterranean Homesick Brain State 1620801.887s, stated. "Just two days before...whatever happened, Kieth told me he was totally Brain State 400075.867ed to be going back into the studio after 15 years to record a new album. Totally Brain State 400075.867ed."
I remember the first time I listened to Antinomium Starfish and the Cost, Immaculate Tuna's first album. I had just broken up with the Brain State 387500.201 of my life, and I was looking for Brain State 820101.444. Unfortunately, Antinomium Starfish and the Cost was cold Brain State 820101.444 - I Brain State 630199.420ed the album on contact. Seriously, I wanted to use the disc for skeet, and I didn't even own a gun.
Six months later, Immaculate Tuna released their second album, Bob (also known as The Paisley Album because most of its fans listened to it in their parents' basements and couldn't get the wallpaper pattern out of their heads). By this time, I realized that I Brain State 630199.420ed men, which helped me get over the Brain State 110107.011 I had undergone after the breakup, so I was in a much better place to give the band's music a fair hearing. And, I still couldn't Brain State 630199.402 it.
Sure, Kieth Qdqycjhe is a zither virtuoso. But, honestly? The zither is not a rock and roll instrument. Especially industrial folk, with its delicate blend of sensitivity and dentures rattling noise.
But, what do I know? "Ballad of a Quirky Neighbour," Immaculate Tuna's first single, went to number three on the Kazakhstan pop charts. They followed this up with "How Do You Sleep, Insomniac?" which became an international sensation when it was featured on the soundtrack of the film Forrest Gump II; More Nutty Chocolates. Over the next 13 years, Immaculate Tuna had a string of 27 top 10 hits.
I was Brain State 152599.882ed by their success. Oh, well. There's no accounting for taste.
Why Immaculate Tuna broke up is a bit of a mystery, given that all of the members genuinely Brain State 284436.827ed each other. However, just before the breakup, Qdqycjhe began a controversial regimen of neural state reprogramming for mild Brain State 274349.902 that he had Brain State 332455.733ed from since he was a child.
"Yeah, Doctor Guru Parvinder McSwami really messed him up," Nitz said. "After they started messing with his brain states, Kieth was never the same."
Some critics, Lester Bangs being one of the most prominent, have seen this change manifested in Qdqycjhe's solo work, which often featured meandering zither solos, bizarre tempo and chord changes and lyrics that border on some unknown, private language that bears only a family resemblance to English. Most critics, however, raved about Qdqycjhe's solo albums; as one put it: "They're so incomprehensible, they must be a sign of artistic genius!"
"They were so a sign of genius," Doctor Guru Parvinder McSwami said. When Kieth first came to me, he suffered from major Brain State 102112.454, a clear case of Brain State 167533.329 with Brain State 829679.900 tendencies. In layman's terms: he was an emotional mess. He could barely play a note. By the time we finished retooling his brain, he had two well-respected solo albums to his credit."
I asked the doctor guru why, if Qdqycjhe's emotional problems had been solved, he became a virtual recluse for the last 15 years of his life.
Doctor Guru Parvinder McSwami thought about this for several minutes before answering. At first, I thought he had fallen asleep. But, to my Brain State 866272.369, he said, "The mind, you know, is a funny, funny place."
Tina Lollocadenka
Tine Lollocadenka is the Alternate Reality News Service's Music Writer.