Ask The Tech Answer Guy

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

I thought I was in heaven, but it turned out to be hell. Well, hell may be a strong way of putting it. A suburb of hell. Yeah. That's it. A suburb of hell where most of the rich folks have moved north and everything has gotten run down and you can no longer walk the streets at night for fear of...for fear...uhh...

You know what? It may not be exactly accurate, but, for simplicity's sake, let's just say it turned out to be hell and leave it at that.

Allow me to explain. A couple of years ago, I bought a Home Dimensional Portal^TM. I told the Missus she could use it to watch the neighbours. I planned on using it to watch sports. My favourite sport is hockey; my favourite team is the Toronto Maple Leafs. I know. Some people like having sex with deserts, I like the Leafs. What can I say? It was how I was brought up.

Here's the thing: with the Home Dimensional Portal^TM, I could toggle through universes until I found one in which the Leafs won. Every night. It was like, they never lost a game. And, when the playoffs started, oh, man! It didn't matter that the team didn't even make the playoffs that year - I found a universe in which they did! It took a little more time, but I even found a universe where the Leafs won the Stanley Cup. That was the best!

The next year, I did it again. And, the year after that. And, the year after that. Only, I was starting to get kind of...restless. Okay, honestly, I was bored. It got boring. The leafs always won. I thought that's what I wanted, but, now, most nights, I can't even be bothered to watch. What the hell is happening to me?

Yo, Tommy,

Have you considered taking up woodworking?

The Tech Answer Guy

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

What the hell kind of answer was that?

Yo, Tommy,

The kind of answer where I don't have to give you the straight truth, which is, frankly, that you are screwed. My shrink tells me I should try to be less confrontation. But, hey, since you insisted: you are definitely screwed, bro.

The joy of sport is not knowing the outcome of any single game, and, although nobody likes for their team to lose, the losses are what makes the winning that much sweeter. Let me make it easy for you: no potential for losing = no tension = (as you found out) boredom.

The Toronto Maple Leafs? Forget about them. You'll never be able to watch another game again without wondering how they could win it, but you know that if you look for a universe where they do win, it will be boring to you. Now, ordinarily, I would say that a man who switches his team alliance is an untrustworthy scumbag. Still, given these circumstances, it would be almost understandable. Don't bother. You'll quickly get bored of watching your new favourite teams win all the time, too.

How about trying another sport, say, baseball? (Does Toronto even have a baseball team?) No soap, Jack. At first, there will be the drama that is missing from the old sport. But, sooner or later, you will choose a favourite team, and, of course, you will want them to win as often as possible, and, well, you know how the story goes from there.

You poor, deluded fool. Without knowing what you were doing, you've pretty much killed the possibility that you will ever enjoy sports again. Head doctors even have a name for it: Progressive Sports Anomie Syndrom. And, believe me when I say there ain't no cure.

My suggestion: take up a masculine hobby. Woodworking. Motocross. Shooting random strangers on the highway. Whatever suits your temperament. Cause you'll never be able to watch sports again.

The Tech Answer Guy

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

Lately, I've been having this problem with my girlfriend, Deirdre. Don't get me wrong - she's great. Really. Most of the time. We've been going out for a couple of weeks, and I thought this relationship really had a future. It's just that

Yo, Dude,

Are you asking me...a relationship question? I'm the Tech Answer Guy. I don't to relationship questions. Ask Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour or somebody who gives a shit.

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to him care of this publication. Just remember: The Tech Answer Guy doesn't do relationship questions. It's a thing with him. Don't ask.