by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
To my left, what looks to be a medieval monk is extolling the virtues of the Digital Rack, "guaranteed to stretch your suspects, not your budget!" To my right, a video on the physical properties of human genitalia under pressure is played on a loop. Is this some third world dictator's wet dream? No, it's just the 12th annual International Enhanced Interrogation Fair at the Staples Centre in Los Angeles.
The trade show for manufacturers of aggressive interrogation devices and techniques features 127 vendors. In three days, over 30,000 military personnel, their civilian advisers and government officials from around the world will attend.
"It's the biggest show of its kind in the world!" boasted Mephistopheles Simpson, former head instructor at the School of the Americas and organizer of the Fair. "This is one area in which the United States remains a world leader!"
For the first few years, the Fair was a relatively small affair, Simpson admitted. The turning point was the onset of the Iraq war, which caused a dramatic increase in international terrorism. "All of a sudden, alternative sets of interrogation procedures were all the rage, and we were perfectly positioned to benefit!"
Simpson suggested that I not take his word for how successful the Fair was ("All you have to do these days is say 'ticking time bomb,' and the sale is in the bag!"), that I look around and make my own judgments. So, I did.
"This is a G37 Nail Extruder," enthused a preppy young Raytheon representative whose nametag identified him as "Paul." "It can remove the nails from all of the fingers and toes of a suspected terrorist in less than 10 seconds."
A half dozen men in business suits looked at the device, which looked like a grapefruit squeezer designed by David Cronenberg, with mild interest. One asked Paul if removing a suspect's nails wasn't a little, you know, old fashioned. "The old ways are sometimes the best," Paul chirruped, "especially for the Middle Eastern dictators and warlords who make up the bulk of our clients."
A woman in a power suit consulted a clipboard and asked, almost apologetically, if removing a suspected terrorists nails quickly wasn't, you know, kind of missing the point of enhanced coercive interrogation. With a smile that conveyed that he was well prepared for this question, Paul demonstrated the G37's multiple speed settings.
"This is for when the time bomb is ticking and you have to process as many suspects as possible in the shortest amount of time," Paul explained. "However, you can vary the pace of extrusion if you have the luxury of more time at your dispo –"
Paul was interrupted by the shrieking of an animal in pain from a stall at the end of the row. Naturally, everybody ran towards it.
The largest crowd I saw at the show gathered to watch a monkey writhing in agony. On its head was a metal helmet with wires attached to a computer console. Next to the chair in which it was strapped was a whiteboard on which somebody had written "SHOWS: 1, 3, and 5pm."
A peppy young man, whose nametag identified him as "Bobby," explained that this was the height of aggressive interrogation technologies: Northrop Grumman's X-12 Cranial Stimulator, (very unofficially) nicknamed "The Paininator."
"The Paininator stimulates the pain centres of the brain," Bobby told the enthralled crowd. "With proper monitoring of vital signs, you could keep a suspect suffering for hours on end without loss of consciousness. And, the best part?" Bobby rubbed his hands in front of him and raised them to show that they were empty. "The Paininator leaves no marks on the body!"
A bluff suit in his 50s gruffly asked about the device's effectiveness. "We, uhh, we aren't allowed to test it on human beings," Bobby admitted over the keening of the monkey in the chair. "However, we just sent the first shipment of Paininators to Saudi Arabia – which is under constant threat of ticking time bombs – and we are keen to get our hands on their data."
People peeled off of the crowd as their interest waned, and the intermittent howling of the monkey became the background Muzak of the trade show.
On the Fair floor, rumours of the imminent arrival of 24 star Kiefer Sutherland abounded. "I wish!" Simpson stated. "We've been trying to convince Kiefer's people to let him do a guest appearance for years, but, for some reason, he always seems to have other engagements during the Fair. Maybe next year..."
Many of the companies at the International Enhanced Interrogation Fair touted their Fair discounts and rebates, as well as their incentive programmes. "We're mindful of the global recession, and help out our customers where we can," Simpson stated. "However, we argue that economic distress tends to lead to social unrest, which is when you need refined interrogation products the most. Fortunately, enough governments see the wisdom in this argument to support the industry."
As I walk past the bikini-clad booth bunnies extolling the virtues of virtual reality technology that can bring sexual humiliation to a whole new level, I can't help but marvel at the lengths our government will go to keep us safe.
The time bomb is ticking. But, human ingenuity will find ways of dealing with it.