by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Republican Congressman John Boehner of Ohio has done the unthinkable: he has refused to accept federal funding for projects in his state.
The funding comes from President Barack Obama's $787 million stimulus bill, which Boehner had vehemently opposed from the beginning
"This bill will add substantially to the deficit without in any way stimulating the economy," Boehner stated. "I have been arguing that all along. The only morally acceptable thing I can do in this situation is to refuse any funds from it for my district."
Franklin Peretz-Slouvian was disappointed by Boehner's position. The laid off traveling stationery salesman had been standing outside of his Huber Heights home for over three weeks, a shovel in his hand.
"I was ready to be stimulated," Peretz-Slouvian stated, a slight hitch in his voice indicating a proud man brought low by desperate economic circumstances. Well, that and the fact that he seemed to believe that a barrel was the height of fashion. "You know anybody interested in buying a shovel? It's hardly been used..."
"Is John nuts?" South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsay Graham wondered. "I mean, what he's doing is nuts, right? It sounds nuts. I mean, I wouldn't refuse the money – I'm not nuts. Is he nuts? Has John finally gone nuts?"
"I don't expect my action on this issue to be popular," Boehner responded to the criticism. "However, sometimes you have to do what's right, not what's popular. And, not taking money from a stimulus bill that you're vehemently philosophically opposed to is the right thing to do in this situation."
Ohio newspapers have had a field day at Boehner's expense. Some of the more printable op-ed headlines included: "Boehner pulls a boner," "IS HE NUTS?" and "Take the Money and Run in 2010."
Right wing spew radio host Rush Limbaugh, resplendent in his "I'm the engine that drives the Republican Party" t-shirt, was apoplectic at Boehner's decision. Well, more apoplectic than usual, although the only time you could tell was when he clutched his chest and shouted, "Oh, this is the big one, the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you, honey."
Or, maybe he was doing a Redd Foxx tribute. Limbaugh can be hard to read sometimes.
In any case, what Limbaugh said was: "Don't be a moron! You take the money and spend it on whatever you want, then you turn around and accuse the Democrats of wasting billions of dollars on pork! Not only that, but the higher the deficit, the less room Democrats have to spend money on programmes that actually help people! If Ronald Reagan taught us nothing else, he taught us the value of creative deficit spending!"
"I may be many things," Boehner responded, "but I'm not a hypocrite. Well, not on this issue, anyway. Accepting money authorized by a bill that I vehemently opposed from the beginning would be wrong."
Left wing critics of the Republicans were uncertain as to how to respond to Boehner's position. "A Republican politician takes a stand on an issue," Keith Olbermann bellowed, "and actually acts like he means it? What alternate universe have we stumbled into here?" The entire staff of the Huffington Post had heart palpitations and had to sit down until their breathing returned to normal (Redd Foxx was not involved). Rachel Maddow was even giddier than usual.
But, Boehner's harshest criticism came from fellow Republicans. "I wouldn't ever refuse federal funding for a local project," pork poster child and 2012 presidential hopeful Alaska Governor Sarah Palin stated. "until it became politically embarrassing, at which point I would drop it faster than a baby out of a mother in an abstinence only sex education programme. Then, I would claim that I was always against it."
"Look, it's really very simple," said Republican House of Representatives leadership vacuum filler salesman Eric Kantor. "We all vote against the stimulus package, then, we all take the stimulus money and go home. Done. By refusing it, John is making the rest of us look bad. What happened to putting party before principle? If Karl Rove taught us nothing else, he taught us the value of that!"
"I...look, I think I've made myself clear and I really don't know what more to say," Boehner said. "It's a principle thing. Can't take money you vehemently opposed and voted against. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take an Advil and try to get a good night's sleep."