by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Xing Tao-Ping cuts an unprepossessing figure. He is short, with a thin moustache and glasses that seem to dominate the upper half of his face. His grey suits are undistinguished. He seems incapable of raising his voice. If you walked past him on the street, you wouldn't give him a second glance.
It would come as a surprise, then, that Xing stopped a war between the United States and China that most observers felt was inevitable. And, he did it with a piece of paper.
The conflict between the two superpowers arose over a nation called Kevinistan, which lies on the border between Pakistan and Iraq. For many years, the United States has supported the dictatorship of Kevin Hubutubo. Hubutubo's government was given legitimacy last year when it won 103 per cent of the popular vote in an election that nobody but the United States considered legitimate.
"President Hubutubo has been a great help in the war on terror," American President Dave has gone on record as saying. "So, who is going to begrudge him a few extra percentage points in an election? I certainly amn't."
At the same time, the Chinese have been covertly funding the Bugabuga rebels that have been fighting a guerrilla war against the Hubutubo government. "Hubutubo is a corrupt, power-mad, uhh, semi-legitimate democratic autocrat," Chinese President Konigsberg Tse-Dong told Entertainment Right Now. "The People's Republic of China supports the Bugabuga rebels in their struggle to free the people of Kevinistan."
Behind the rhetoric of both nations is the reality that the tiny nation of Kevinistan - no bigger than a medium sized shopping mall - contains most of the world's supply of dilithium crystals. Properly harnessed, the recently discovered crystals are expected to become a cheap source of incredible amounts of clean energy. Scientists also believe that dilithium crystals could one day power faster than light starships.
"This war is not about resources," President Dave has insisted. "It's about freedom and democracy."
"This war is not about an energy source," President Konigsberg argued. "It's about the right of the Kevinistan people to self-determination."
That may be. However, as supplies of oil have dwindled, the importance of dilithium crystals to the world economy has grown. Oddly, although not surprisingly, the brink of war came because of a threat to the dilithium crystal supply.
Reports of the incident vary, but what seems clear is that a careless American mining mercenary dropped a lit cigarette in a dilithium cavern he was exploring. In their natural state, dilithium crystals are highly unstable and imminently flammable; the resulting explosion shook all of Kevinistan, as well as parts of neighbouring countries.
This sped up American plans for a trade agreement in which the country would give the US all of its dilithium crystals in exchange for $29.95 worth of beads and baubles. This led to the Bugabuga rebels stepping up their guerrilla raids.
Tensions, as they say, mounted.
When American warships fired upon a Chinese tourist vessel (which the Americans said was a warship until video of a man wearing a lampshade mooned the camera in what was obviously an onboard party was released), war seemed inevitable. Then, Xing appeared on the USS Manifest Destiny, serving notice that the Chinese government was taking possession of the American military.
The notice argued that the Chinese government held $7 trillion worth of American debt. It was now calling on America to repay that debt. If that was not possible, the United States had two choices: declare bankruptcy or forfeit its military, whose value was estimated at $5 trillion, to China.
Conservatives have howled in outrage. "This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard since Nixon's resignation speech!" Pat Buchanan, who, at 137, is too stubborn to die, fulminated.
President Dave cautioned against a harsh initial reaction to the Chinese move. "If we default on our debt," he told the nation last night, "we could destroy the world economy. That would have serious repercussions for our auto and high tech sectors."
"Destroy the world economy!" Buchanan shouted. "We can't let these punks get away with this!"
The legitimacy of the Chinese demand for repayment will likely be argued in the courts for years to come. They should be a very interesting years to come?