What the Heck Do You Know?
Hates Long Article Titles But Just Can't Seem To Help Itself, You Know?
1) Most advanced countries have used the term "guest worker" as a euphemism for "modern day slave." Why did Canadians think it would be any different for them?
a) we like maple syrup
b) we...uhh...we like watching So You Think You Can Dance Canada?
c) our football has three...three...umm...I don't know! I don't know why Canadians thought it would be different for us!
2) What ever happened to "Canadian values?"
a) they were outsourced to Taiwan, but moved to China when it offered lower wage rates
b) the Conservative government was so focused on explaining how great we are at killing innocent civilians in foreign countries in its new version of the citizenship guide that it didn't have room for anything else
c) thanks to global climate change, our maple trees aren't producing nearly as much syrup as they used to, and we really like maple syrup
3) A book burning (well, not so much a burning as a ripping up and throwing in a trashcan since burning paper is illegal in Canton, North Carolina) was held recently at Amazing Grace Baptist Church. One of the Satanically influenced musicians whose CDs were ripped apart and trashed was Paul Simon. Paul Simon? How could anybody believe that Paul Simon had been influenced by Satan?
a) they were obviously imagining what it would have been like if they had actually burned the CDs and inhaled the fumes
b) he did seem to have an unnatural influence over Art Garfunkel
c) you know, I had always wondered what the song "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" was really about...
4) Did SARS teach us nothing?
a) don't be so defeatist! SARS taught us calculus
b) okay, maybe it didn't teach us calculus. But, SARS did teach us not to speak with our mouths full
c) yeah, yeah, so it didn't teach us not to speak with our mouths full, but...you know...knowing that you know nothing is an important step to learning something, so SARS taught us...
5) According to Rush Limbaugh, which of the following was President Barack Obama not responsible for?
a) AIDS
b) original sin
c) How I Met Your Mother
d) none of the above
6) Which of the following quotes are you most likely to encounter in a column in the Globe and Mail?
a) "I'm no doctor, but if you don't get that cyst on your big toe looked after, they'll eventually have to amputate your head!"
b) "I'm no engineer, but that nuclear power plant will bring much needed electricity to the community at no risk to the people who live in the community next to it!"
c) "I'm no climate science expert, but global warming is obviously a fantasy of radical environmentalists!"
7) According to Senate Minority Leader John Boehner, "Breaking the bank and taking away the freedoms Americans cherish is not the answer to the challenges we face." What government initiative prompted him to say this?
a) HR 1984, The Breaking The Bank and Taking Away the Freedoms Americans Cherish Act
b) a combination of the declaration of war on Iraq and the Patriot ACT (they can be a little slow in the minority leader's office)
c) the tea tax (they can be really slow in the minority leader's office)
8) Okay, suppose, just for the sake of argument, that he was actually responding to the Democratic health care reform bill. Which freedom cherished by Americans would it take away?
a) the freedom to be denied health insurance because your great-grandfather died of tuberculosis (what is now called a "pre-pre-pre-pre-existing condition")
b) the freedom to have their coverage cancelled if there is the slightest threat that they may actually need it (the so-called "Our Bottom Line Is More Important Than Your Bottom Opt Out Clause")
c) the freedom to die in an emergency room of a condition that could have been treated six months earlier if the patient had access to timely and affordable medical care (what you could call the "No, That's Not Really Funny" answer)
9) What is depleted uranium?
a) uranium that wants to perform its husbandly duties, really, it does, but, after a long day causing cancer in innocent civilian populations just can't get an erec - uhh, you know...
b) uranium that has just about used up all its life savings just to survive (and, you know that the recession has been bad when it affects atoms!)
c) uranium that lost its faith in economic and social reform
10) It's the question that every mother has to ask sooner or later: what should I do with my child's placenta?
a) you could make pie crust out of it (if you bake it at the right temperature, it hardly has any chemical aftertaste)
b) you could use it to caulk your child's bedroom walls
c) put a frame around it and auction it off at Sotheby's
11) Why do we even have anti-trust laws any more?
a) to make lawyers feel they serve a useful social purpose
b) so that when major corporations develop effective oligopolies, they can say they are bilking consumers with full government knowledge and support
c) we still have anti-trust laws?
12) Who said that people who were offended that Khalid Sheik Mohammed would be getting a civilian trial will not find it "offensive at all when he's convicted and the death penalty is applied to him?"
a) former President George W. Bush
b) current President Barack Obama
c) Thurston Howell III
13) Who said that even if Khalid Sheik Mohammed or other suspected terrorists were acquitted, "that doesn't mean that person would be released into our country?"
a) former Vice President Dick Cheney
b) current Attorney General Eric Holder
c) Lydia Bennet
14) What ever happened to "change you can believe in?"
a) I left it in the pocket of pants I ran through the wash, and it hasn't been the same since
b) I haven't believed in anything since I saw the weekend gross of The Twilight Saga: New Moon
c) see question 17
15) Arnold Schwarzenegger says he won't be seeking another elected office when his term as Governor of California ends in 2010. Whatever will he do with himself?
a) lead a coup in a small Latin American nation
b) he'll be so busy laughing that he no longer has to deal with the state's deficit that he won't have time for much else
c) start his own television network to compete with OWN called CLOWN (I leave it to better wits than I to determine the most appropriate acronym)
16) What magical benefits does modern love bestow upon lovers?
a) more and better cable channels for the same price
b) your cellphone service provider will never drop your calls again
c) you can eat all of the SuperHellishlyHot Chili Fries you want and never get heartburn
17) We really live in a time of diminished expectations, don't we?
a) yes, yes we do
b) other
18) The United States is currently using facilities in Afghanistan that were abandoned when Russia fought its war there. When the United States leaves Afghanistan, who will eventually inherit the facilities it will abandon?
a) India
b) China
c) don't be silly - the United States is never going to leave Afghanistan
19) Businessman Mark Lowe circulated jokes comparing women to dogs and making fun of "dumb blondes." When a woman in his employ sued him for making the workplace toxic to females of her gender, he called her actions "hugely offensive." Because, really, in these post-feminist times, who wouldn't laugh at dumb blonde jokes?
a) some stuck up bitch with no sense of humour
b) no, no, no, we don't need to be so offensive; a woman who wouldn't laugh at dumb blonde jokes is merely stuck in the 1960s, and simply doesn't realize how far women's rights have progressed
c) see question 17
20) Republican Minority Leader John Boehner recently talked about "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." What was he quoting?
a) the Constitution of the United States of America
b) the American Declaration of Independence
c) an old Jack Benny radio series script (have I mentioned how slow things can be in the minority leader's office?)
