Conversations of the Damned

How Anti-terrorism Works In Canada

INTERROGATOR: Who are your children's teachers?

SUSPECT: Teachers?

INTERROGATOR: At their school.

SUSPECT: My children's teachers.

INTERROGATOR: That's right.

SUSPECT: I...I don't know...

INTERROGATOR: You don't know.

SUSPECT: I just drop them off -

INTERROGATOR: Your children?

SUSPECT: That's right.

INTERROGATOR: At their school.

SUSPECT: Yes.

INTERROGATOR: You drop them off.

SUSPECT: Look, I said -

INTERROGATOR: Have you ever met any of them?

SUSPECT: Who?

INTERROGATOR: Your children's teachers.

SUSPECT: Have I met any of my children's teachers?

INTERROGATOR: That's right.

SUSPECT: I...I spoke to one over the phone once...

INTERROGATOR: You spoke to one.

SUSPECT: Yes?

INTERROGATOR: Of your children's teachers.

SUSPECT: That's right.

INTERROGATOR: Over the phone.

SUSPECT: Right.

INTERROGATOR: Once.

SUSPECT: Look -

INTERROGATOR: Don't you have an interest in your children's education?

SUSPECT: Sure, but I'm a busy man.

INTERROGATOR: A busy man.

SUSPECT: That's right.

INTERROGATOR: Too busy to know who your children's teachers are.

PAUSE.

INTERROGATOR: Who is the Prime Minister of Canada?

SUSPECT: (relieved) Stephen Harper.

INTERROGATOR: Okay. Frankly, I'm inclined to send you back where you came from, but you did at least answer that question correctly. We'll let you back into the country this time, Minister Cannon - if that is your real name. But, if you're serious about international travel, you really should go to one of your children's parent/teacher nights!

How Health Insurance Works In The United States

INSURANCE COMPANY: Give me money.

YOU: How much?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Fifty dollars a month.

YOU: Fifty dollars?

INSURANCE COMPANY: A month.

YOU: What will I get for my fifty dollars a month?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Seventy-five.

YOU: Seventy-five?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Dollars.

YOU: Dollars?

INSURANCE COMPANY: A month.

YOU: Seventy-five dollars?

INSURANCE COMPANY: A month.

YOU: Why has the price gone up?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Oh...no reason. Don't you want to know what you get for your ninety dollars a month?

YOU: Ninety dollars?

INSURANCE COMPANY: A month.

YOU: (sigh) What do I get for that money?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Whatever you need.

YOU: Really?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Within reasonable limits.

YOU: What limits?

INSURANCE COMPANY: We can discuss that when you make a claim.

YOU: I don't understand.

INSURANCE: What's to understand?

YOU: You want me to give you ninety -

INSURANCE COMPANY: A hundred and ten.

YOU: A hundred and ten?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Dollars.

YOU: A hundred and ten dollars?

INSURANCE COMPANY: A month.

YOU: You want me to give you money, and you cannot tell me what I will get back in return when I need it?

INSURANCE COMPANY: You don't like that deal?

YOU: Well...

INSURANCE COMPANY: It's a good deal.

YOU: For you, maybe.

INSURANCE COMPANY: Tell you what. When it comes time to pay, we'll let you pay a fee just for using our service.

YOU: But, if I'm already paying a hundred and ten -

INSURANCE COMPANY: A hundred and twenty-five.

YOU: A hundred and twenty-five?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Dollars.

YOU: A hundred and twenty-five dollars?

INSURANCE COMPANY: A month.

YOU: Why would I want to pay just for using your service?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Peace of mind?

YOU: How will giving you money with no promise that you'll give it back to me when I need it going to give me peace of mind?

INSURANCE COMPANY: I might give it back to you when you need it. Some of it. If you wish hard enough. That's better than nothing, don't you think?

YOU: I don't -

INSURANCE COMPANY: Okay, how about this? We'll reimburse you for your expenses, as long as you pay a percentage of them.

YOU: Is that supposed to give me peace of mind?

INSURANCE COMPANY: Finally, you understand how this works!

YOU: So. You want me to pay a hundred and twe- a hundred and fifty dollars?

INSURANCE COMPANY: A month.

YOU: You want me to pay a monthly fee for services you may or may not pay for when I actually need them. If you do, you will ask me to pay a fee for using your services and you may ask me to pay for a percentage of the services I receive even though I have already been paying you to do so?

INSURANCE COMPANY: That sounds about right.

YOU: Where do I sign up?