What the Heck Do I Know? What the Heck do You Know?!
1) What is the most disgusting thing you have ever put in your mouth?
a) Jimmy Dean Chocolate Chip Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick (a week later, my stomach still refuses to hold down solid food)
b) a wombat
c) why would I share that with you? I mean, I don't know you. I have no idea what you would do with the information. Like, years from now, I could be at a job interview and the interviewer would say, "I like your resume, and you seem like a good person, a good fit for this job, but did you really put that in your mouth?" I mean - yeah, okay, my best friend's used sweatsocks. But, in my defense, I was high on crack at the time!
2) What has been the main change in the world as a result of the fall of the Berlin wall 20 years ago?
a) Nena's "99 Luft Ballons" is respectable in its original German version
b) nobody has to pretend they like German cuisine any more
c) nobody has to pretend they hate Germans any more
3) Dick Cheney has repeatedly claimed that harsh interrogation techniques (only referred to as torture by the weak and feeble-minded) kept the United States safe. As proof, he points out that the United States has not suffered a terrorist attack since 2001. Hmm. By this logic, what other events could be said to have been avoided by the use of enhanced interrogation techniques?
a) the sun didn't go out, plunging the solar system into icy darkness
b) the Mayan calendar didn't end, causing the implosion of the planet
c) Michael Bay didn't win a Best Director Oscar
4) Email marketing defines my success. How do you define yours?
a) not puking before I down a pitcher of Margueritas in the morning, then being able to get through the day without seeing 50 foot hedgehogs roaming the streets
b) by making obscure Monty Python references without feeling the need to point out that I have just made an obscure Monty Python reference
c) I look at how the CEOs of the Fortune 500 live, and I do the opposite
5) President Obama has said he will not seek prosecution for CIA officials and contractors who tortured prisoners "in good faith." How do you torture somebody in good faith?
a) while they are in their 36th hour of sleep deprivation, you take a few minutes to go to church and pray for their souls
b) he's just saying that so Dick Cheney won't be mean to him - like anything Obama would do short of becoming Dick Cheney would stop the attacks
c) Obama as Cheney - okay, there's an image that's going to haunt my dreams for months to come
6) What is "the full Ginsburg?"
a) what Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's husband did to her on their wedding night
b) what beat poet Allan Ginsburg wrote about in Howl
c) Antarctica Llewellyn Ginsburg would rather not say (but the fact that she weighs 327 pounds should be a really big hint)
7) How did you celebrate September 28, Good Neighbour Day?
a) I diverted my neighbour's cable so I could watch - what? Why do I always have to be the neighbour who is good?
b) I took my neighbour out to lunch...while my husband diverted his cable so we could watch - what? She got a cheeseburger out of deal! And, a Vampire's Assistant toy!
c) I didn't divert my neighbour's cable so I could watch anything, but, did I get credit for it? No. He still demanded I return the Rottweiler I borrowed from him last week!
d) other
8) The Afghan Electoral Complaints Commission has decided to discount votes from both leading candidates in equal percentage. So, if Hamid Karzai cheated on 2 million votes and Abdullah Abdullah, his closest rival, cheated on 12, they will both lose the same amount of votes. How is this fair?
a) it's fair because the American State Department says it is
b) it's fair because the American Supreme Court says it is
c) as that famous philosopher Clint Eastwood truly stated, "Fair ain't got nothing to do with it."
9) The Senate Finance Committee contains a "public option" made up of six pages from the telephone book. "A public option is what people have asked for," Committee chair Max Baucus confidently whined, "and a public option is what we have given them. Can you back off now so I can enjoy my health care industry campaign contributions? Please?" How stupid does he think progressive Democrats are?
a) pretty stupid - the telephone directory pages aren't even consecutive
b) really stupid - the telephone directory pages don't even contain any health insurance companies, hospitals or doctors
c) believe the balloon boy hoax stupid - Baucus got elected as a Democrat, didn't he?
10) How stupid does he think Americans are?
a) it just goes downhill from believe the balloon boy hoax stupid
b) think the White House calling Fox News an opinion outlet that is really a propaganda arm of the Republican Party rather than a news organization was an unfair attack on journalistic independence stupid
c) combine "believe the balloon boy hoax stupid" with "think the White House calling Fox News an opinion outlet that is really a propaganda arm of the Republican Party rather than a news organization was an unfair attack on journalistic independence stupid," mix in automatic weapons and let the wild rumpus begin stupid
11) On The View, Whoopi Goldberg claimed that Roman Polanski shouldn't be forced to serve jail time in the United States because what he accepted a plea bargain for "wasn't rape rape." Let's see. Thirteen year-old girl. Drugs and alcohol. Sex. Oh, Whoopi, what has happened to you?
a) after you've channeled the spirit of Patrick Swayze in a wildly popular film, there's nowhere for your career to go but downhill
b) after you've been unable to channel the spirit of Patrick Swayze in a prime time special from your bedroom, nothing can buy back your credibility
c) to be fair, anybody who watches The View for legal advice doesn't deserve to stay out of jail
12) Opponents of a plan to install digital information screens that will carry advertising in Toronto high schools is being called "a slippery slope." To what, exactly?
a) a shady slide
b) a decadent decline
c) bad dental hygiene
d) other
13) Who or what are "embryonic Americans?"
a) citizens who have had flesh and blood limbs replaced by sophisticated technologies that give them amazing, super-human pow - no, wait, they're bionic Americans
b) citizens who enjoy gloomy romantic poems written by - no, they're Byronic Americans
c) citizens who think that the absurd lengths the religious far right will go to in order to proclaim rights for foetuses are best dealt with through ridicule...or, are they, umm, ironic Americans?
d) other
14) I live in Ontario. Why am I getting email from a Conservative MP from Saskatchewan?
a) it's a political exchange programme - like what you used to do in high school, only with more sophomoric personal attacks masquerading as humour
b) okay, you make a good point: no, I wouldn't want him showing up on my doorstep without having told me that he was coming
c) it's lonely in Saskatchewan, and he needs a friend
15) How much of Going Rogue, her supposed autobiography, do you think Sarah Palin wrote?
a) the title
b) oh, that's really cynical! The title, pages 13 to 27, 36, 75-78, 85-89, 137, 248 and the afterword
c) I'm guessing the section where she nominates Levi Johnson for some kind of whistleblower award was not something Palin wrote
16) How much of Going Rogue, Sarah Palin's purported autobiography, do you think members of the Christian groups - groups that have made the book a bestseller before it has even been released by buying it in bulk - will read?
a) the title
b) oh, that's really cynical! The title, the forward, pages 2, 4, 6, 8, 45-87 and 212
c) they'll probably use the books as kindling in the dark days ahead - but, on the bright side, at least the books will be put to good use
17) Federal stimulus checks now come with a large blue Conservative Party logo and the signature of local MPs. How do you feel about that?
a) when I pay the hydro bill, the check has my bank logo and my signature - when do I get my photo op?
b) it seems fair. I mean, if the MP is paying for the stimulus out of his own pocket, why wouldn't his name be on the - what? You - they - you mean...sneaky bastards!
c) stimulus checks? The federal government has been handing out stimulus checks? What do I know - I live in Toronto...
18) Advances in technology have made some cars practically silent. Since no good technology goes unpunished, this could be hazardous to pedestrians, who cannot hear the cars coming. Some automakers are now considering adding digital sounds to their cars to deal with this problem. If you could choose, what would you like your car to sound like?
a) the orgy scene from Debbie Reynolds Does Dallas
b) peak hour at my local slaughterhouse
c) john Cage's 4'33"...no, wait...
19) What are you doing about the use of Depleted Uranium in American weapons in Afghanistan and Iraq?
a) what? I - what? I'm sorry, I thought this was a tryout for the chorus of The Toxic Avenger - The Musical - I...I'll just let myself out...
b) well, it is my professional opinion that what the Depleted Uranium needs is to regularly take a vitamin supplement, drink plenty of fluids and, perhaps, get away for a bit of a holiday on the seaside. If it still feels depleted, there's always electro-convulsive therapy. You know, ECT has a bad rap, but you'd be amazed at how effective it is at restoring a highly toxic element's vim, its vigor, its joie de vivre. Why, I've had it myself. Several times, in fact, and I never integer report spasmodic Antebellum blah blah blah elephants!
c) well! I put a little behind my ears and, before I knew it, Reginald had turned into an animal - an absolute animal! Depleted Uranium? It saved my marriage!
20) Where do you get your crazy ideas?
a) the intestines of a Thomson's gazelle (but it has to be freshly killed, or you end up with a script for The John Dore Television Show)
b) my uterus (fortunately, you don't come here for an anatomy lesson)
c) my Non-SequiTronic 2007 (no, I haven't upgraded recently - it's an economic issue that I would rather not discuss at this time) - doesn't everybody?
