DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I recently lost my job as a taxidermist's assistant. Not much call for stuffed armadillos these days, what with the bad economy and all, and, honestly, I don't know how I'm going to be able to pay for my mother-in-law's triple appendectomy and make this month's mortgage payment. I'm wondering: should I rob a bank in the hope that if I can weather this storm things will get better and I'll be able to get back on my feet? Or, should I just assume that things are never going to get better and kill myself while I still can?
DEAR HEART: it's the eternal question, isn't it: rob a bank or off yourself? Well...perhaps not so much eternal as eternally recurring, business cycles being what they are. Still, Nietzche was a repellant little troll who really doesn't deserve any attention, so why don't we say simply that this question does seem to arise quite often and leave it at that.
In a best case scenario, robbing a bank would give you enough money to pay off your debts...for a month or two. A second-best outcome would be that you would be killed in the robbery attempt, accomplishing your second goal with surprisingly little effort on your part and an admirably ruthless efficiency. Still, I'm not sure that this is a compelling argument for robbing a bank.
I do, on the other hand, generally try to discourage my readers from attempting suicide. For one thing, it's invariably very messy, and it doesn't seem fair somehow to put others in a position where they have to clean up after you. Then, there is the awkwardness of writing the suicide note. The cliched prose. The maudlin sentiments. The spelling...creativity. Let me be perfectly frank: while I am an enthusiastic supporter of the arts, I firmly believe that the writing of suicide notes should be left to the professionals!
Whichever way you're leaning, you should be aware that both options do come with risks. If you rob a bank, you could be caught, which would likely ensure that you would never again get on your feet, financially or otherwise. Much as you would like to think you can, you cannot count on the ineptitude of the police investigating your crime; they, like everybody, watch CSI.
On the other hand, if you commit suicide, you could come back to this veil of suffering carrying that much less positive karma. You might be better off considering taking up yoga.
Dear Heart, I can't help but wonder if, by focusing solely on robbery or suicide, you are unnecessarily limiting your options. Think creatively! Have you considered, for instance, setting your house on fire? If done well, you could collect on insurance and no longer have the burden of a home with a mortgage that needed to be paid off. I think you would be pleasantly surprised to find out just how many people in your situation have chosen this option.
If you really wish to express your artistic side, you might consider faking your own death. Create a plausible scenario. Role play. Improvise desperate dialogue. Plan escape routes with architectural precision. Obviously, you won't be waiting around for applause, but escaping to a tropical paradise with whatever funds you have remaining available to you would truly be its own reward.
Best of luck with whatever course of action you choose.
PS: many people in your position would consider killing their mother-in-law. I find your restraint in this matter refreshing.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I recently lost several billion dollars for my employer, a major bank firm with a special division just for mortgages. As a result, my annual bonus will only be half of what it was last year – still in the millions, but not as many of them as I have come to expect. This will lead to severe hardship for me and my family. The problem that is currently uppermost in my mind: should I give up my yacht, or my chalet in the south of France? If I give up the yacht, all of my friends at the marina will know, and how will I be able to show my face at the next Fricassee Ball? If I give up the chalet, I will have to fake going out of the country or risk having all of my friends in town know. Oh, the embarrassment! So, which should I give up: the yacht or the chalet?
DEAR HEART: suicide is your best option. Definitely, for you, suicide.