Headline For The Hills!

If It Thinks It Can Find Oil In My Molars, Be My Guest
"Big oil wants US to end bans on drilling" - Globe and Mail

For Sure! Most People Enjoy Having To Choose Between Food And Rent
"Frugality might be fun for a change" - National Post

The Answer To A Migraine? A Very Big Mallet
"The answer to urban traffic congestion? Cars" - Globe and Mail

Medium Well With A Side Of Curly Fries
"How would you like your mortgage?" - National Post

Not Even Hemorrhoid Sufferers?
"'Nobody takes toilet design seriously'" - Globe and Mail

Because, At These Prices, It's Cheaper Than Krishna Consciousness
"Price conscious shoppers lift Costco" - Toronto Star

That's Not A Nice Way To Talk About Gordon Ramsay
"Pull up a seat at the Canadian chef's summit. Dress casual: There will be pig" - Globe and Mail

From There, It's Just A Short Step To Carbon Thinking About It Every Now And Then To Carbon Meh
"Coming clean at Games
Vancouver Olympics downgrades from carbon neutral to carbon responsible" - National Post

Really? Because, I Was Hoping That Canada's Future Would Be, You Know, Canadian
"Looking East?
Yes, but Canada's future is still American" - Globe and Mail

Al Capone Will Be Heartbroken
"Inflation takes over as public enemy No. 1" - Toronto Star

Ten Ways You Can Turn Water Into Wine At Your Next Garden Party
"Better to be a saviour than saved" - Globe and Mail

Because Fart Jokes Don't Really Work In A Play About A Woman Trying To Talk Her Daughter Out Of Killing Herself (Although, Admittedly, Masturbation Jokes Still Work In Just About Any Context)
"Desperation and despair
There's very little that's jolly in Soulpepper's production of 'Night Mother" - National Post

Battered Banks? Therapist Says Battered Banks Must Deal With Denial
"Battered banks think worst is over" - Globe and Mail

"US housing woes deepen on price plunge
Decline of 14 per cent - largest in 20 years - dampens hope that recession might be avoided; consumer confidence lowest since 1992" - Globe and Mail

Only When It Has Been Put Through The Post Editorial Process
"The Hungry Planet: Is fertilizer the 'most important business on Earth?'" - National Post

Good Thing It Was Wearing Steel Toed Boots
"CIBC drops another billion" - Toronto Star

Let's See: Vodka...Potatoes...A Centralized Authoritarian Government - Yep, Looks Like Wal-Mart Has All The Basics Covered
"Back-to-basics works for Wal-Mart" - Globe and Mail

"Wal-Mart
Russia may be the next stop
Shareholders told 'opportunities' being explored because of growth potential" - Toronto Star

When The Only Way To Live Is To D - Oh, Look, I Know The Post Likes To Go Against Received Wisdom, But Sometimes Wisdom Is Received For Good Reason, You Know?
"When the only way to save is to spend, spend" - National Post

Riots? Revelations? Redistribution? Ratiocination? Robbers? Robots? Regrets?
"Economic retreat sparks use of R-word" - National Post

I Always Said Edible Underwear Was A Marketing Mistake
"Shifting tastes leave bra sellers scrambling" - Globe and Mail

Or Short Term Results...Or Mid-term Results...Or Long Term Results...Or...
"Wilson doesn't expect instant results
New Toronto coach says the team 'may have to take a step back' before it's a contender" - Globe and Mail

It's Dead In The Water
"Tories support 'spirit' of motion" - headline on a Globe and Mail article about a proposed "Passengers Bill of Rights"

Now They Tell Me? NOW THEY FUCKING TELL ME?
"The straight facts on 'bypass brain'
Many patients suffer significant decline after heart procedures, but few are warned about it" - Globe and Mail

Doesn't That Sort Of Imply That, Other Than Killing Scumbags, There Was An Old Agenda?
"A new Afghan agenda?" - Toronto Star

Stalin Blushed With Pride
"The tyranny of meaningful work" - Globe and Mail

Are We Interfering With You Bleating About Yours?
"Stop bleating about your imperfect life" - National Post

No. People Need Oil
"Just as soaring dot-coms crashed, is oil set to slide?" - Globe and Mail

Umm...All Of Us?
"Who needs blood?" - Globe and Mail

Better Latte...?
"Boomers consciences are kicking in" - National Post

Not That The Conservatives Haven't Been Finding Substitutes All Over The Place
"No substitute for common sense" - headline over a Globe and Mail editorial about Maxime Bernier's affair with Julie Couillard