Hole One
Coat Rack
Par 2
Sex. Mini golf. For many years, these two great pastimes have been artificially kept separate. Too many elitists didn't want their pursuit tarnished by the other (in the mini golf community, too). However, just as peanut butter was inevitably introduced to chocolate, sex has been introduced into mini golf.
The logic is inescapable, really. Since 2000, the number of Americans playing golf has dropped from 30 million to about 26 million. Worse, the number of people who play 25 times a year or more fell to 4.6 million in 2005 from 6.9 million in 2000. Clearly, something had to be done. And, for a variety of reasons, not all of which are immediately obvious, when something has to be done, it is often sex.
To start, we would like you to consider a miniature golf course with plaster representations of people fucking in a variety of sexual positions. If this works well, we can move on to a full-size golf course with real people enacting actual sexual positions.
What follows are descriptions of the first nine holes of the [Your Name Here] Mini Golf Course. Yes, [Your Name Here], you can be on the cutting edge of adult entertainment for a very small investment. Wish you had been on the cutting edge of Internet porn? You can make up for that economic myopia now! Operators are standing by.
The description of each hole is followed by a commentary by famed miniature golfer and ponysex enthusiast Angus McWangus. McWangus captures the excitement of playing mini golf on a course with plaster representations of people fucking in a variety of sexual positions. At least, that's what we hope is exciting him...
Description: One partner, usually a man, stands while holding the other, whose legs are wrapped around his waist. This facilitates upward thrusting, which, when the couple is heterosexual, aids the sperm penetrating deep into the vagina. Although the layout is straight, the couple stands directly in front of the cup, making the hole a bit tricky.
Angus McWangus' Analysis: she may look dead easy, but this hole requires a gentle touch, a wee bit o' finesse. Ye dinna wanna rush yer stroke or ye could find yerself in serious trouble.
Description: One partner bends over, resting on hands and feet, while the other, standing, thrusts from behind. Both partners can thrust their hips. The gap between the legs and hands is fairly generous, but the bulges on either side of the hole are not as easy to negotiate as they may look.
Angus McWangus' Analysis: Ach, now, here's a sweet wee beauty. Treat her with the respect she deserves, and ye can have yer way with her. Try ta get fancy, and she'll blow up on ye faster than Haggis in a microwave!
Description: Like Setting the Table, only the person not standing wraps their legs around the person who is standing. In this position, the second person cannot thrust, leaving responsibility for the motion to the person standing. The hole is no longer straight, but there is still plenty of room to get through or around the figure and sink the ball.
Angus McWangus' Analysis: Just because she's got curves disna mean she has to throw ye a curve. Keep yer wits about ye, and ye should be able to get what ye want outta her – a good score!
Description: One partner lies on top of the other, but in the opposite direction, so that each person's head is over the other's genitalia. Better than Everybody's Favourite (see: Hole Six) in that both partners can be pleasured at the same time (although whether that ever truly happens is open to debate among golfers and sex columnists). A thin path to the hole and an obstacle right in front of it makes this tricky.
Angus McWangus' Analysis: Tricky? TRICKY, IS IT? THIS HOLE IS DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE! Be gentle. Be firm. It disna matter how you approach her – she's enjoyed breaking better men than you! Try yer damnest ta get par and be prepared ta walk away with yer tail firmly, painfully between yer legs!
Description: One person takes the other from behind, both on their knees. This allows both partners to thrust. This hole is made up of two adjacent circles connected by a thin corridor at the bottom. Complicating matters is the fact that an obstacle lies on the other side of the corridor.
Angus McWangus' Analysis: Ach, but she's enough ta drive ye ta drink, she is. The key is a deft touch with a bankin' shot. If yer not sure ye can master her, find out more from a magazine or...the Internet.
Description: One person on their knees pleasures the other person, who is standing. Although there are three obstacles on this hole, it is short; not only do most players get a better than par score, but many find that if they bank their ball just right, they can get a hole in one. That's why this hole is called everybody's favourite – why did you think?
Angus McWangus' Analysis: Aye, she's me favourite, too. Ah may be a Scot, but that disna make me any less of a man, if ye know what I mean.
Description: This hole, although straight, contains two obstacles. One is essentially the picnic table, but vertical rather than horizontal (with one partner standing and holding the other at waist level). The other obstacle, involves one partner lying on top of the other, looking into the other's face (presumably soulfully). A straight lie, but the obstacles give it some difficulty.
Angus McWangus' Analysis: Are ye ready ta party? With patience and a steady hand, ye can have some fun on this hole. Some fun, indeed.
Description: Another hole with a pair of obstacles, this time on the other side of a thin path to the hole. In one, one partner sits on the genitals of the other, usually the male (it's not as painful as it sounds), facing away; in the other, the person is facing towards their lying partner. In both cases, the person on top has the most control over thrusting motions.
Angus McWangus' Analysis: I...this...this hole broke my heart. Beware – she'll break your'n too if ye let her!
Description: In one obstacle, both partners are standing, one with a leg raised. In the other obstacle, one partner sits on the genitalia of the other, their back to the partner lying down. The partner on top carries most of the burden of thrusting. The fairway is thin, and the obstacles can really get in the way, not to mention that it curves under itself before you get to the hole.
Angus McWangus' Analysis: Ach, but she's a challenge, and make no mistake. But, by now, ye should be ready for the big leagues. Take it like a man, ye big sobbin' teabag! She'll never respect ye if ye don't stop yer whinin'!
COMING SOON: The bottom nine!
