Cosmo and Wanda Are Dead

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Two fairies, Cosmo and Wanda, are lying under a tree at one end of a field of tall grass. Cosmo absently flips a coin.

COSMO
I was just saying -

WANDA
Well, don't.

COSMO
But, it won't go away just because we don't want to look at it.

WANDA
Oh, sweetie, it won't make a difference if we do look at it.

COSMO
But, if we don't have free will -

Wanda hits herself in the forehead with her palm.

COSMO (CONTINUING)
What? What did I say?

WANDA
I just don't think it's worth our time to argue about matters that can't be resolved.

COSMO
But -

WANDA
Sweetie.

COSMO
But, it can be resolved. We have to do whatever the children we're assigned to ask us to do. That means we either have no free will of our own, or, at best, we're slaves.

Wanda grabs Cosmo by the lapel. The coin he has just tossed disappears in mid-air.

WANDA
That kind of talk could get us stripped of our fairy powers...or worse.

COSMO
But, maybe if we realize the conditions of our servitude, we can do someth -

TIMMY
(off)
Wanda! Cosmo! HEEEEEEELP!

COSMO
Let's not go.

WANDA
Oh, sweetie, we have to.

COSMO
Why?

WANDA
Because that's just who we are.

Wanda pulls out her wand.

TIMMY
(off)
Guys? I could really use some help, here!

COSMO
We have to. You're saying we have no choice - no free will.

WANDA
Oh, we don't have time for this.

Wanda raises her wand, and she and Cosmo disappear in a burst of fairy energy. Inside the burst of energy are the words: "Existential poof!"

INT. TIMMY's BEDROOM - DAY

Timmy is being chased around his bedroom by a velociraptor. In a burst of fairy energy, Cosmo and Wanda appear in the room, floating near the ceiling above him.

TIMMY
Guys, this isn't what I was expecting when -

COSMO
We're on it, Timmy!

COSMO (CONTINUING)
That reminds me: I need a haircut.

TIMMY
Wanda!

WANDA
No problem, sport.

TIMMY
That was close! COSMO
The best hairstyles usually are.

Wanda looks at him in disbelief, then, shaking her head, turns back to Timmy.

WANDA
Anything else you need, sport?

TIMMY
Naah. Things are under control.

WANDA
You're sure?

TIMMY
The keys on the magic laptop are really close together - but I'm getting the hang of it. Really. I am.

WANDA
Okay, well, if you need anything else?

TIMMY
You'll be the first to know!

Wanda and Cosmo lift their wands and disappear in a burst of "reluctant Poof" energy.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Cosmo and Wanda appear at a desk on the 40 yard line of a football field.

WANDA
Funny, I didn't plan on coming here.

JORGEN
(off)
You were diverted.

Looking around, Cosmo and Wanda see that JORGEN VON STRANGLE sits on a judicial bench at the 50 yard line wearing a judge's robes and wig. The bleachers are full if fairies.

COSMO
Ooh, who's playing?

JORGEN
Puny fairies, you are charged with having treasonous thoughts that, if left unchecked, would undermine the whole basis of the fairy godparent/child relationship. How do you plead?

COSMO
Can I have a hot dog?

JORGEN
No.

COSMO
Big games just aren't the same without a hot dog.

WANDA
Sweetie, this is serious.

COSMO
I know. I'm really hungry.

WANDA
Jorgen, what is the nature of the charges against us?

JORGEN
You have been overheard talking about the possibility of...free will. Even I with my perfectly sculpted musculature could not save Fairy World if fairies believed they did not have to grant their children's every wish.

WANDA
What if - and I'm only asking hypothetically, you understand - what if we were found guilty?

JORGEN
You would be put to death.

COSMO
Would I get a last wish?

JORGEN
What would you wish for, puny fairy?

COSMO
A hot dog! I'm HUNGRY!

INT. TIMMY's ROOM - NIGHT

Timmy is being chased around the room by a penguin twice his size.

TIMMY
Wanda! Cosmo! Heeeeeeelp!

There is a burst of magic energy and Jorgen von Strangle appears in a burst of "Disappointing Poof" fairy energy.

TIMMY (CONTINUING)
Jorgen von Strangle! What are you doing here?

JORGEN
I have come to tell you, Timmy Turner, that Wanda and Cosmo are dead.

TIMMY
(over)
WHAT!