Thank you, Fenoff Landgrebe, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Hi. My name is Lucy. I'm six years old. Today is Take Your Child to Work Day. My daddy brought me to work. Then, all of the adults went outside to have a smoke. I don't have a lot of time, so, while they're gone, let me just say that torture is a crime and anybody who does not prosecute it because of the potential political fallout is complicit in the crime. As for the economy, the bank bailout was a corrupt holdover from the Bush administration; if President Obama seriously wants to help the economy, he needs to buy me a pony. Oh, hi, daddy. I wasn't doing anything. I was just saying how I want a pony for my birthday. Yes, I am cute. Hee hee hee.
Enjoy,Security Is Torture
Executive Summary
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM) was subjected to waterboarding 183 times in March, 2003. That is roughly six times a day. Some people claim that such enhanced interrogation techniques are not an effective method of gaining vital intelligence from high value sources. What follows is a summary of some of the information KSM gave interrogators. We leave it up to the reader to determine if the information was worth compromising the country's moral fibre.
Waterboarding #1: "You sons of [REDACTED] mothers! I curse you, your [REDACTED], your camels and all of their generations yet to come!"
Waterboarding #5: "Okay. Enough, already. I was the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks. There. Are you satisfy –"
Waterboarding #11: "Okay, okay. I was the mastermind behind the Kennedy assassination! Please, I beg of you, sto –"
Waterboarding #27: "Yes, yes. I…I was the mastermind behind the Lincoln assassination! I've told you everything I know! Now, please, for [REDACTED], stop!"
Waterboarding #56: "Cooperation between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda? There was no –"
Waterboarding #57: "Yeah, sure. Saddam was [REDACTING] al Qaeda's [REDACTED]. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Everybody knows they wouldn't wipe their own [REDACTED] without the other handing them the toilet paper!"
Waterboarding #127: "I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout."
Waterboarding #142: "Gyah gebwa wa. Wa wa! Aaagggh! Aaaa- [REDACTED]. Gub gub gub gub gub…"
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/10809638280247053794637486482cahs01.html]
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Must Be Pancake Eating Season
Is it just me, or has spring brought with it an air of, if not humility or responsibility, a willingness to admit in a mealy-mouthed fashion to the possibility of being in a state of not entirely correctness?
Take the case of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. One day, she's saying that the American border with Canada needs more security because that's how the 9/11 hijackers got into the US. The next day, she says: "I like maple syrup."
Or, what about the RCMP? For months, it had been saying that Robert Dziekanski overpowered RCMP officers and forced them to taser him five times. They had no choice, really. So, the fact that Dziekanski died alone in an airport in a country where he didn't speak the language was his own fault. Now, the RCMP is saying, "We like maple syrup."
Uhh, yeah. I like maple syrup, too. But, I don't feel the need to tell it to somebody I have hurt instead of saying I'm sorry.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Still The Press' Favourite Poltician To Gore
Norm Coleman's appeals of his defeat by Al Franken in a Minnesota Senate race have now entered their 20th week, four times the length of Al Gore's legal challenges to George W. Bush's presidential win in 2000. Coleman has lost every appeal he has made. In fact, recounts of all the ballots have actually increased Franken's majority. Despite this, Coleman is asking for a new election, even though there is no legal precedent for it. There is only one conclusion to be drawn from these facts.
Al Gore was a sore loser.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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News Weak
Dick Cheney to English Translation
CHENEY: "Grrrrrrrrr rowf grrrrrrrrrrrr!"SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=626&dir=bb]
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Nice Try, Though
You have to pity poor Consumer Services Minister Harinder Takhar, who, in the wake of the Conquest Airlines collapse, told stranded fliers that they should do due diligence before buying a travel package.
One can imagine an angel, representing the public, sitting on one shoulder telling him he should protect Canadian travelers, and a devil, representing Canadian business, sitting on the other shoulder telling him that he should protect corporate interests. If this was a bad 70s sitcom, the debate between the devil and the angel would take several minutes. Of course, this being the modern Conservative Party, the debate probably took less than a second.
Hmm. On second thought, you don't have to pity Consumer Services Minister Harinder Takhar.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591831813
&call_pageid=968335278492&col=968666972154]
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What's My Lie?
What's My Line? (first aired, September 27, 1958)
ARLENE FRANCIS: So, we have established that your business is a form of gambling in which the customer bets against his own interests?
CONTESTANT: That's right.
FRANCIS: And, you take money from your customers but, in return, you give them as little as is legally permissible.
CONTESTANT: Again, correct.
FRANCIS: You sell insurance.
JOHN CHARLES DALY: Could you be more specific?
FRANCIS: You'll insure anything, won't you?
CONTESTANT: Absolutely. As long as I don't have to pay anything out, what do I care what the premiums are ostensibly for?
FRANCIS: It would appear that I don't need to be any more specific, John.
DALY: Fair enough.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/arlenesadahl.shtml]
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