Thank you, Elyse Kashen-Kerry, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. We know the new image on all of our desktops is supposed to evoke the flattening of beams being emitted from stars as we approach the speed of light. Still, we can't help but see the middle of the image as a big blue asshole.
Enjoy,MONDAY: I just saw the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still. I can't believe that they butcher – okay, look. I have a theory: Hollywood is trying to destroy all of our fondest childhood memories. No, hear me out. The Hollywood studios are mostly run by 20something MBA students, Gen-Xers who resent the wealth and success of the Baby Boomers. To pay us back, they are remaking every movie made between 1950 and 1970, but so badly that it kills any pleasure we took in the originals.
Phil says they keep remaking old movies because they have no new ideas, and they do them badly because they're MBAs and they know more about deals than art. It's a theory, too, I suppose.
TUESDAY: Former President George H. W. Bush has mused publicly that his son Jeb will make a fine President some day. It's good to have a dream. Of course, it's better if the dream has some realistic possibility of happening...
WEDNESDAY: I've been clucking like a chicken on and off all day long. It wasn't until late in the evening that I found out that it was World Hypnotism Day. I...better check my bank account in the morning...
THURSDAY: Does Jim Meddick really believe that none of his readers have seen X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes? Or, is he going to try and convince us that he's doing an homage to Ray Milland?
FRIDAY: According to the latest issue of Scientific American Mind, "Bees live in highly stratified yet flexible social organizations with group decision-making skills that rival academic, corporate or government committees in efficiency." Really? Committees? How have the bees survived lo these many millennia?
SATURDAY: When you try to get one David Bowie earworm out of your head by listening to another Bowie song, are you using the hair of the "Diamond Dogs" that bit you?
SUNDAY: Puns are nature's way of telling you that the universe is more complex than you think. And, less serious.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Sid Vicious – Now, There Was A Punk Rock Death!
The Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton has died at the age of 60, apparently from natural causes. Punk rock fans were disappointed.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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The Knee, The Jerk
The Israeli government has, for the first time, admitted that it bombed a shelter for homeless puppies in Gaza. Prime Minister Stephen Harper immediately issued a press release stating that the deaths of 78 puppies and the injuries to as many as 300 of the adorable little dogs was "the fault of Hamas, because the terrorist organization hides its weapons at or near animal shelters throughout Gaza."
Israel has also confirmed that, after the bombing, soldiers went into the shelter and shot wounded, unarmed puppies as young as three days old. "Well, yes," the Prime Minister responded, "of course they did, because, as you all know, Arab animal shelters are notorious hotbeds of anti-Semitism and...and...and WILL YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THOSE EYES!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/01/03/caninecarnage060103]
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The BBC has announced that the next actor to take on the role of The Doctor in its long-running science fiction series Dr. Who will be three year-old Steve Smith. "We knew from the moment he came in to audition that he was the right actor for the part," said Steven Moffat, who will be taking over executive producer duties on the show starting with series five. "He made us laugh. He made us cry. He made us wet our diapers. I can think no higher praise to give him."
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Especially In This Economic Climate, It Takes Inaugural Balls
There may be as many as 10 inaugural balls celebrating Barack Obama's swearing in as America's 44th President. While some (mostly Glenn Beck) are complaining that this seems a bit much, Obama would have to go a long way to match the debacles of some previous inaugural celebrations.
The Double Stubble Ball: for men and women with facial hair. The idea was that, for Richard Nixon's inaugural, he would thumb his nose at the people who voted for John F. Kennedy because they were turned off by Nixon's stubble in their televised debate. Like many of Nixon's ideas, this one should probably have been thought through a little better.
The Prayer Meeting Baptist Ball: no, not for George W. Bush, for Jimmy Carter. About as much fun as it sounds, which, come to think of it, pretty much describes Carter's presidency.
And, who could forget the inaugural balls of Gerald Ford or George H. W. Bush? Just about everybody who attended them, apparently.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2008Jan05.html]
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Gomorrist? Gomorrian? It's Missing Something...
I feel the need to complain about the ongoing emphasis in your publication, The Bible, on the perfidies that occurred in the city of Sodom. You even go so far as to turn the noun into an adjective, calling people who engage in certain forbidden sexual acts "Sodomites." You may not realize it, but, after the city was rebuilt, it became an attraction for sexual tourists, thanks, in no small part, to your portrayal of it.
Hello! A second city was destroyed at the same time as Sodom, you know. Ever heard of Gomorrah? Well, we were just as degenerate as Sodom – moreso, by some accounts – but did the name of our city become an adjective? No! In fact, despite having more brothels than any other city in the Old Testament – yes, including sodding Sodom! – you hardly give us any credit for being a disgrace in the eyes of The Lord at all! It is because of this oversight in your publication that the people of Gomorrah have not been able to share in the post-reconstruction economic boom.
I trust that you will correct this in future editions.
Sincerely,SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/10809638280247537946748648cahs01.html]
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