Thank you, Wilhelmina Siprasoeuth, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Did you realize that if our mouths were exchanged with our anuses, we wouldn't be able to eat sitting down? We...have a lot of time on our hands to think about this sort of thing?
Enjoy,And, This Is A Headline Telling You That This Is A Headline
The Senate Intelligence Committee reported that President George W. Bush and senior members of his cabinet misstated Saddam Hussein's links to terrorism and ignored evidence that he had no weapons of mass destruction when they made their case for war.
The Committee also found that: human beings need oxygen to live; the earth is round, and; there really was no reason for the existence of The New Adventures of Old Christine.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49281-2008Jun07.html]
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Black Music Humour (Which Everybody Knows Was Ripped Off By White Musicians)
If you didn't know Diddley, now you never will.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Black Fashion Humour (It's A Colour That Never Goes Out Of Style)
Yves Saint Laurent has gone permanently out of fashion.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Film (Noir) Humour
Sidney Pollack: cut! Print! That's a wrap!
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Turn Your Head And Kaffiyeh
MONDAY: Are you kidding me? Dunkin' Donuts pulled an ad because a right-wing blogger complained that the star, Rachael Ray, was wearing a scarf around her neck with the colours of a kaffiyeh, something a Middle Eastern man would wear on his head. Oh, and what Ray was wearing wasn't a kaffiyeh at all, just some scarf with a paisley pattern! Some bloggers need to get out more! I mean, what ? if we eat at Dunkin' Donuts, the terrorists will have won? But, if we eat at Dunkin' Donuts, won't we be exercising the freedoms that the terrorists hate us for? Okay, now, I'm confused - maybe...maybe I'm one of those bloggers that needs to get out more?
TUESDAY: I know that I should be more broken up about the fact that Shania Twain's relationship with her husband is over, but, really, what do you expect when you bring a Mutt home?
WEDNESDAY: Did I miss something? Barack Obama clinched the Democratic nomination for President last night - why is everybody talking about Hillary Clinton today? Yeah. That's it. I must have missed something.
THURSDAY: Clinton must be steamed. Wouldn't you be if you had gotten beaten by somebody you had been saying all along wasn't fit to shine your shoes?
FRIDAY: Man, when I think of how crass our politicians have become, I wonder why Machiavelli ever bothered to write The Prince.
SATURDAY: Stanley Kowalski and Blanche Dubois. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Any questions about her being asked to run on the ticket as Vice President?
SUNDAY: You know, you don't necessarily lose interest in sex just because you?ve lost all your teeth. In fact, in some ways, it makes things - no. Sorry. I thought I could go there, but I can't.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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The [REDACTED] In [REDACTED] Falls Mainly On The [REDACTED]
The American Constitution claims to have been abused at Guantanamo Bay, but it's hard for observers to tell because some of its testimony has been edited by the military. "Several times, the soldiers [REDACTED], then they [REDACTED] - I didn't even know how many pieces of me were missing until [REDACTED]," the Constitution testified.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFUQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wTF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3grimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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The More I Drink, The Better Your Ad Looks
His blood contains antibodies that could eradicate gonorrhea throughout the world. His thoughts are picked up by alien races, who conclude that if somebody that powerful exists, it would be suicide to attack our planet. He likes daisies - roses, not so much. If he was a sport, he would be basketball, hockey, boxing and downhill skiing all rolled into one, but without the snow. His eyes are a shade of blue that doesn't exist in nature.
He is the most interesting person in the world.
And, he isn't you.
"I don't drink beer. But, when they pay me enough money, I pretend to: Miyazaki's. Stay stupid, my friends."
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1057952601]
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Sexism And The City
Um, yeah, so, last week, we wrote some not very nice things about the new Sex and the City movie. Our girlfriends, who have seen it seven times already, each, told us that they would leave us for bikers if we didn't take it all back. So...nobody dies at the end of the movie, okay? Everybody finds wedded bliss or a journey to find themselves, but, whatever, cause, like they always have each other, okay? Please tell our girlfriends it's okay?
SOURCE: Ha Ha Sucker
[http://www.imagearts.edgerton.ca/~AaronParker/haha/home.htm]
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I Left My Heart (And Pieces Of My Liver, Spleen, Fingers And Sanity) In Guantanamo Bay
Pfc Walter Groeninga-Tuttle has been chosen to be the judge in the Omar Khadr trial in Guantanamo Bay. He is the 23,789th military person chosen for the position. He has no legal training, but, according to sources within the Bush administration, had the common sense to ask, "Now, do we pronounce somebody guilty before we hear the evidence or after?"
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Something About A Goal
Bend It Like Rodham. A teenage girl in a poor area of London aspires to play politics, but knows that she won't be competitive until she can manipulate popular vote tallies like her hero, Hillary Clinton.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0778350/]
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With Wars In Gaza, Iraq And Afghanistan, This Is What Is Considered ?Instability? In The Middle East?
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to delay a tentatively planned trip to the Middle East because cabinet ministers are pushing Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to resign in the wake of allegations that he accepted illegal campaign donations and bribes.
"After the Bernier affair," Norman Spector, former Canadian Ambassador to Israel, stated, "Harper cannot afford to be seen with another loser. That shit rubs off, you know."
After a moment, Spector turned red and added: "Umm, actually, what I meant to say was that there is too much instability in the region. Sorry for that - I've been out of diplomacy for a while, and I guess I'm a bit rusty."
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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