We must really love our country, because we're willing to put up with so much nonsense in its name.
1) Hey! Wait! Shouldn't you let me ask a question before you start supplying answers?
Oh, sure, I know that's the way it usually works, but this is so juicy, I had a rush of comedy adrenaline before you even opened your mouth to ask anything. Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me. Go ahead. Ask me. You know you want to.
2) What's with Maxime Bernier?
Yes, yes, OH, YES! Thanks for asking. You...wouldn't happen to have a tissue on you, would you?
Yes. And, you better believe, it was good for me.
4) So, what's with Maxime Bernier?
You could say that he loved passionately, but not well.
5) Sure, if I was Jackie Collins. What would I say if I was...oh, I don't know, interested in what actually happened?
This is the story of The Little Minister From Quebec Who Could. Little Maxime started as Industry Minister in Stephen Harper's Conservative government. Every day, he said to himself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can be Industry Minister." But, he couldn't. So, he was moved to Foreign Affairs, where, every day, he said to himself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can be Foreign Affairs Minister." Unfortunately, being from Quebec isn't really sufficient qualification for holding an important cabinet post. So, Little Maxime's judgment was called into question when it was discovered that he was dating a biker chick named Julie Couillard.
6) Why is that your business? Aren't you just being a gossipy old busybody?
Well, sure, but ParticipAction says we should keep our bodies busy to stay fit, and who am I to argue with Health Canada?
Oh, look - having a girlfriend with ties to criminal organizations could lead to all sorts of security breach shenanigans.
8) Sputter - fume - feign outrage - what - what possible reason could there be for believing that a security breach had happened?
Bernier left classified documents on Couillard's coffee table. Apparently after they had stopped seeing each other. For at least a month, maybe more: even now, Foreign Affairs isn't sure it has all of the documents back.
Uh, yup.
10) If the couple was no longer, you know, a couple, why was Bernier at Couillard's place? In fact, why were they still being seen in public together?
It seems that when they started dating, Bernier insisted that she be seen in public with him for at least a year regardless of the state of their relationship. She claims he told her that it would be bad for his reputation to be seen as somebody who changed girlfriends as often as he changed his underwear.
11) Didn't Bernier actually say "shirts," not "underwear?"
Underwear seems much more appropriate, don't you think?
12) Umm. Listen, how close were Couillard's ties to bikers, really?
Her former husband is in the witness protection. Two other bikers she dated are dead, one apparently murdered, the other an apparent suicide. Some girls just have the worst luck with men?
13) What does this say about Bernier's political judgment?
The Hell's Angels warned their members to stay away from Couillard. Do you need to know any more?
14) What was the Prime Minister's response to this?
Immediate. He asked for Bernier's resignation the moment he found out...that Couillard was about to go public with the story in an interview aired on Quebec TV network TVA.
15) What does this say about Harper's judgment?
I'd love to tell you, but my lawyer has advised me that I can't afford his fees for a protracted libel lawsuit.
16) How bad could the breach of security have been?
You make a good point - it's not like Canada has any deep, dark secrets to reveal. Unfortunately, other countries sometimes share their secrets with us, in a process known as "letting baby brother know some of what the grown-ups are doing so he'll sit quietly in his corner and be a good boy." Some of their documents may have been in the envelop left with Couillard.
17) How are they taking the news?
I'm sure they'll be very cross with us...when they stop laughing.
18) Why did newspapers repeatedly run photographs of Couillard in a low-cut sundress?
It was a test for the readers. Which was the biggest boob: the one spilling out of Couillard's clothing, or the one standing next to her?
19) So, it wasn't an attempt to pander to their male readers?
Of course not! That's what Jumble puzzles are for!
20) What does this whole - you should pardon the expression - affair say about the judgment of Canadians?