Thank you, Harrison “Heavens To” Murgatroyd, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Some of our customers have been complaining about threatening emails they have received lately from angry Russian gangsters demanding huge payments for goods they never received. Daily Me readers should not be concerned in the least about this. We’ve consulted our lawyers and they assure us that The Daily Me can in no way be held legally responsible. However, in the interests of maintaining the good will of our customers, we have developed a patch that should make it impossible for identity thieves to take control of your computer and buy plutonium from Russian arms dealers. Probably. We hope. Simply go to the Daily Me Web page and follow the links to the “Sorry we fucked up so badly” page. Download and install the wereallyhopethisworks127.exe patch and hope for the best. (But, uhh, just in case, you might want to find a safe place to store all that plutonium…)
Enjoy,As Continental Integration Moves Forward, It’s The Little Differences That Will Mean So Much
Critics of the plan to offer Americans tax relief on gasoline over the summer have called John McCain and Hillary Clinton’s proposal “pandering” to the voters. Of course, in Canada, we call such things “business as usual.”
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like an Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
Because Robust Debate Is The Cornerstone Of A Strong Demo – URK!
Question Period in the House of Commons has become awfully quiet since the Conservative Party sued Liberal Bob Rae for libel, slander and “looking too good for a man his age.” Having now silenced all opposition by suing every sitting MP who is not a Tory, the Conservatives now spend most of Question Period chatting amongst themselves about the weather and screening partisan advertisements masquerading as information about government programmes.
“Thank goodness for Ethics Commissioner Mary Dawson,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper commented. “It was her ruling that showed us how we could get some real work done in Parliament!”
When asked for a comment, Rae shrugged his shoulders pleasantly and walked away.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322641884641374287fx]
more
Her Position Makes Perfect Sense…In Base 237
According to numbers from the Obama camp, Hillary Clinton would have to win 68 per cent of the remaining undeclared delegates to win the Democratic Party presidential nomination. However, after Clinton declared that she wouldn’t pay attention to economists, she has taken the leap and disavowed mathematics entirely. “Two plus two?” Clinton mused. “Oh, sure, some people will say it’s four. But, honestly, four is not the answer of change.”
They’re sure teaching some strange shit up at Yale Law School these days.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106627801263460.xml]
more
She Went Out A Nobody And Came Back A Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376831228]
more
She Went Out, Uhh, Almost A…Kind Of…Nobody – But, The Important Thing Is That She Came Back A Star!
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more
Since When Does Canada Have Secretaries Of State? For That Matter, Since When Does Canada Have An Identity?
Secretary of State for Multiculturalism and Canadian Identity Jason Kenney argued against using the power of human rights commissions to silence offensive speech.
“We have successfully used public statements equating criticism of Israel with anti-Semitism for years,” Kenney explained. “You’d be surprised at how much critical speech you can stifle without resorting to human rights commissions!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080508.eladvote0508_@/BNStory/newsWrongLesson2008/]
more
I Know, I Know – There’ll Be No Cheese For Me Tonight
Conservative Christian groups like Focus Against the Family are hailing the mouse as a model of strong family unity that human beings should emulate. They cite an article by the late naturalist Wood Krutch, who wrote that “Father mice will curl up with their babies when the mother leaves them for a few minutes.”
Of course, then they have the tops of their heads sawn off so that their brain activity can be directly manipulated by researchers, and, when they are no longer of use, they are dispassionately gassed, butchered or otherwise killed. I’m not sure what lesson Conservative Christian groups want us to take away from that.
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=438&but=allis1]
more
If The Shoe Was On The Other Foot, He Would Be Booted In The Ass
Israeli Ambassador to Canada Alan Baker has backtracked on his comments that the country should be wary of accepting many Muslim immigrants because they could ultimately change the nature of Canadian society. “The question is, how do you treat the results of this fact?” Baker mused. “Do you expect from these greater numbers that they will absorb themselves into Canadian society as Canadians or that they'll try to push Canadians to adopt their own values and principles?”
Employing his black belt in Defensive Postures, Baker stated: “You thought I was talking about Canada’s position on the state of Israel? No, no, no – I was talking about their cooking. They use strange spices and parts of animals that, frankly, I can never identify. And, yes, I often have trouble going to the bathroom after I eat food prepared by Muslims. Is this really what Canadians want?”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b9d9-4c18-bf9b-07b637cc48ec]
more
And, Speaking Of Ass Kickings…
The difference between the two candidates for the Democratic Presidential nomination? Barack Obama believes he’s in a debating match, while Hillary Clinton believes she’s in a mixed martial arts match.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
more
The Cutting Edge Has Been Sterilized And Sewn Back Up
If you didn’t listen to The Sloppo Show this week, this is the kind of high quality broadcasting you missed:
GEORGE SLOPPYDROOPYPANTS: …petunias!
DON MCKELLAR: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
GEORGE: Hee hee hee!
DON: Oh, oh, oh! Good one.
GEORGE: Ha, ha. Thanks.
DON: Hee. Of course, I prefer gladiolas.
GEORGE: Ha. Really?
DON: Uhh, yeah.
GEORGE: What the [expletive deleted} are you doing on my show?
The Sloppo Show, Sundays, six to nine. Because we have time to fill and he used to be edgy.
SOURCE: C-DIK – Big Dick Radio[http://www.edgy095.com/]
more