Thank you, Logan Nataraja, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we remembered turning down Brad Fortblockett’s proposal of marriage in college, and we wept.
Enjoy,More Deadline Than News
BLITZEDOUT: We’re gonna play that video again. This time, we’ve zoomed in on Obama’s lips. We’ve slowed it down and added directional arrows, and – there! THERE! Did you see it? It would appear that Obama’s upper lip curled in what can only be described as an “elitist sneer.” Senior political correspondent Rob Schneider, what did you make of that?
SCHNEIDER: It’s been a long campaign, hasn’t it, Wolff?
BLITZEDOUT: Oh, yeah.
SCHNEIDER: And, this has been a particularly slow news day, hasn’t it?
BLITZEDOUT: You bet.
SCHNEIDER: Far be it from me to spoil the festivities…Wolff, what we saw in Obama’s speech was more evidence that the Democratic Presidential candidate is unfit and unready to serve in the highest office of the most important country in the history of the world! …How was that?
BLITZEDOUT: Rob Schneider, thanks for confirming what my political instincts had already told me the spin on the story should be.
SCHNEIDER: Your pleasure, Wolff.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2008/ALLPOLITICS/04/18/dumbdems.main/index.html]
more
Telus True
In a ruling yesterday, the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission said that a $2.95 monthly charge for prank phone calls was “inappropriate” since not all Telus subscribers use the service. In response, Telus moaned, “What’s the point of accumulating so much power through corporate concentration if you can’t use it to gouge customers? I mean, sure, we’ll abide by the ruling. Sure.”
The CRTC ruling did not refer to the $10.95 monthly charge to all subscribers for obscene phone calls, which is the subject of a separate investigation.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/getachargeoutofit.htm]
more
More Like Shucks And Aww…
When America decided to go to war against Iraq, we were supposed to “shock and awe” any opposition our troops came across. More and more, though, it’s looking like members of the Bush administration were the ones who went for an emotional ride. Only, it was better termed “awe and shock:” they were awed by the destructive power at their command, and shocked to find out that even that couldn’t get them victory.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
more
Looks Like Social Policy, Tastes Like Chicken
Differences between Americans and Canadians #327: Canadians believe that food banks are no long-term solution to poverty; Americans believe that food banks are the only long-term solution to poverty.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
Tastes Like An Apology, But Is So Much Less Filling
Pope Benedict has admitted that the Catholic Church had handled the issue of pedophile priests “very badly,” but then went on to say that people needed to “address the sin of abuse within the wider context of [the] sexual mores” of American society. Of course. Because Knocked Up and Christian Dior advertising are enough to cause any moral person, especially a highly religious one, to want to have sex with children.
SOURCE: Entertainment for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=489&dir=bb]
more
General Confusion Only Gets Two Stars
GENERAL ONE: We need to reduce our troop presence in Iraq.
PRESIDENT: Thanks for your advice. You’re fired.
GENERAL TWO: We need to reduce our troop presence in Iraq. What we’re currently doing isn’t working and it’s taking a terrible toll on the military.
PRESIDENT: You’re fired.
GENERAL THREE: What we’re currently doing in Iraq isn’t working. We need to increase our troop levels there.
PRESIDENT: I listen to my Generals and do what they tell me.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/generalmayhemnotrated.shtml]
more
Irony So Thick, You Can Cut It With A Free Trade Agreement
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376533154]
more
We Hand Prisoners Over To Countries That Torture – Doesn’t That Count For Anything In The War For War On Terror Credit?
Charges have been dropped against seven of the so-called “Toronto 18” ring of alleged Islamic terrorists. I would call them the Toronto 11, but it doesn’t have the same, I don’t know, je ne sais quis.
We should, I know, be proud that we’re arresting and holding innocent people for years without charge as our small way of fighting the international eternal war on terror. Still, considering that the United States has detained thousands of people without charge in illegal prisons around the world, I can’t help but feel, on the basis of sheer numbers, that Canada is not doing its part.
And, don’t even get me started on the terrible dearth of torture. How are other NATO countries supposed to take Canada seriously as a major player on the world stage when senior politicians don’t even bother trying to deny that we torture prisoners?
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
more
Free Markets – Free Ride – Sometimes, It’s Hard To Tell The Difference If I Haven’t Taken My Medication
Q: How can the government give $50 million to farmers to slaughter and bury their pigs when so many people are starving in the world?
A: Pork prices are so low, if the government doesn’t do something Canadian farmers will be added to the list of the starving, and how will that help anybody?
Q: But, why can’t the government pay for the pork and send it to starving people in poor nations?
A: You don’t understand how free markets work, do you?
Q: [stunned silence]
SOURCE: Economics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=487&dir=bb]
more
[ADJECTIVE] [NOUN] [VERB] [NOUN], [SARCASTIC COMMENT]
Typical Hillary Clinton Pennsylvania stump speech: “As I was thinking about what to say to you today, I was reminded that [JOKE ABOUT AN EXAGGERATION MADE IN A PREVIOUS SPEECH THAT MADE CLINTON LOOK LESS THAN TRUSTWORTHY]. You know, it was my [DAD/GRANDAD] who said to me [FOLKSY SAYING] while we were [LEAFING THROUGH A SCRAPBOOK/REMINISCING ABOUT THE WAR/IN THE GARAGE]. That’s why I have always been concerned with [LOCAL PROBLEM]. And, you know how much respect I have for his candidacy, but [OBLIQUE REFERENCE TO THE FACT THAT BARACK OBAMA WON’T SOLVE THE PROBLEM].” SOURCE: Politics for Dummies [http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=566&dir=bb]moreHow Does The Universe Explain The Continuing Popularity of Two And A Half Men?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more