What the Heck Do You Know? Has Something Stuck In Its Teeth
(Why Doesn’t Somebody Say Something?)
1) Of whom did President Bush say: “I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy...I was able to get a sense of his soul?”
a) Russian Premier Vladimir Putin
b) Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki
c) Homer Simpson (but, to be fair to the President, it was the episode where Homer is in 3D)
2) If you could ask Prime Minister Stephen Harper just one question, but he had to answer it truthfully, what would it be?
a) “Do you not understand that if you create mean social structures, your citizens will become mean, or do you believe that people are inherently mean, and mean social structures only gives them licence to be themselves in some kind of Darwinian self-fulfilling prophecy?”
b) “Could you even follow the first question?”
c) “Did you enjoy dissecting frogs in high school biology class, because you sure seem to enjoy watching Liberal leader Stephane Dion squirm?”
d) “How can we convince people that you have a secret far right agenda when you keep making parts of it public?”
3) Who is “Captain Save-A-Hooker?”
a) a Justice League understudy who can’t understand why he never gets his big break
b) one secret identity Clark Kent is ashamed of
c) Sean “It Isn’t Exploitation If I Claim To Want To Save Your Soul” Hannity
4) Match the gag line to the comedian who popularized it.
a) “Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!”
b) “Exqueeze me?”
c) “Fuck you!”
i) Vice President Dick Cheney
ii) President George W. Bush
iiii) Republican Presidential candidate John McCain
5) Which of the following would you be advised not to stick up your butt?
a) stool softener
b) stool pigeon
c) footstool
d) toadstool
e) stool of rock
6) From the following list, pick out the word or phrase that is actually recognized by international law.
a) enemy combatant
b) preemptive attack
c) war crime
d) oops
7) What is the most outrageous way to demean a female candidate for President?
a) create a Facebook group titled “Hillary Clinton: Stop Running for President and Make Me a Sandwich,” then widely publicize the fact that it has more than 43,000 “friends”
b) market the Hillary Nutcracker, an action figure of Clinton with serrated stainless steel running up her thighs (and, presumably, a spring in her Citizens United Not Timid) that can be used to crack open nuts
c) register Citizens United Not Timid, a political action committee to “educate the public about what Hillary Clinton really is” (because words you shouldn’t say in public make great acronyms!)
8) What would be the equivalent slur against a male candidate?
a) a Facebook group entitled “John McCain: Stop Running for President and Become The CEO of a Fortune 500 Company” …no, wait…
b) the McCain Egg Masher, an action figure of John McCain with a stainless steel hammer coming out of his – oh, who are we kidding? McCain would probably love to have a stainless steel hammer coming out of his – there doesn’t seem to be an equivalent slur against a male candidate
c) nope, I can’t imagine a male equivalent to this
9) What rhymes with “neutrino?”
a) Palomino
b) Dorito
c) Dan Marino
d) asparagus Florentine
10) What is the difference between a demigod and a demagogue?
a) half a god is still better than half a gogue
b) a demagogue makes promises he can’t keep, while a demigod keeps promises he never should have made
c) half a litre of Baskin Robbins’ French Vanilla ice cream and a Kate Bush CD
11) Is General Petraeus really known to his colleagues as “King David?”
a) no
b) yes
c) whoever wrote the Bible should sue
12) Who or what is a “muhajababe?”
a) Katherine Heigl starring in the life story of Ayaan Hirsi Ali
b) a woman who fought to get the Russians out of Afghanistan (or, is that a “mujahadibabe?”)
c) Delta Burqa
13) The American Federal Elections Commission currently has only two sitting members. It requires four for a quorum. What can the two members do until two others are appointed?
a) play hearts
b) dream of playing bridge
c) nothing, since they have been ordered by the Bush administration not to rule on anything until they have quorum
14) Republican Presidential candidate John McCain started his run for the nomination soliciting private donations. When it looked like his campaign wasn’t going anywhere, he switched to public financing. As his opponents started dropping out and he looked more and more like the likely winner (read: contributions skyrocketed), McCain returned to private financing. One problem: the campaign may have illegally used the promise of
federal funds as collateral when seeking a private bank loan. Another problem: the campaign raised more money than the law allows for campaigns that opt to accept federal
funding. What…was the bus driver’s name?
a) Gus
b) Sam
c) Mammon
15) What will be the most important issue facing the American people in the 2008 election?
a) what to do about the mess that is the war in Iraq
b) how to deal with an economy reeling from corruption and cheap foreign labour
c) why Barack Obama doesn’t always wear an American flag pin on his lapel
16) Who or what is or was or will be the NACC?
a) Not Accountable Corporate Coalition
b) Nacreous Acidic Conch Consciousness
c) Newly Acclimatized Cancer Catchers
17) CTV and Global have demanded that they be allowed to charge cable carriers for their signal. Shaw Communications wrote Prime Minister Stephen Harper criticizing the networks for their proposal. CTV responded with a letter to the Prime Minister criticizing Shaw’s letter. What are the odds that Prime Minister Harper will tell both sides to work it out with the Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission?
a) about as good as the sun turning paisley
b) about as good as water molecules singing the Korean national anthem
c) about as good as George W. Bush admitting that the primary motivation for invading Iraq was oil
18) Who or what are “message force multipliers?”
a) the heroes of a Saturday morning kid’s cartoon (now, don’t you feel silly for not paying more attention to what the little darlings watch?)
b) the Swiss army knife of internal propaganda disseminators
c) military acrobats who know how to “catapult the truth”
19) Which of the following retired servicemen was not being paid by the Pentagon or a military contractor when he appeared on news programmes to discuss the war in Iraq claiming to be an independent pundit?
a) Thomas G. McInerney (Air Force General, Fox News)
b) John C. Garrett (Marine Colonel, Fox News)
c) Donald W. Shepperd (Air Force General, CNN)
d) Montgomery Meigs (Army General, NBC)
e) James Marks (Army General, CNN)
f) Joseph W. Ralston (Air Force General, CBS)
g) William V. Cowan (Marine Colonel, Fox)
h) Charles T. Nash (Navy Captain, Fox)
i) Timur J. Eads (Army Lieutenant Colonel, Fox)
j) Robert H. Scales Jr. (Army General, Fox News and National Public Radio)
k) none of the above (and, sadly, dozens more)
20) Why do I always mispronounce “Bubble Puppy” as “Bumble Puppy?”
a) I keeps it unreal that way
b) bubble puppy evokes images of dogs inside soap bubbles, whereas bumble puppy evokes much saner images of buzzing dogs with alternating black and yellow striped fur
c) inadequate toilet training when you were a kid
d) global warming
