Now, Wait Just A Goldurn Second!

Letters have been practically, almost sort of more or less pouring into Les Pages aux Folles in a slow but steady trickle. What about? Last week’s Earth Second, where everybody was encouraged to turn off their lights for a second, of course! We’re reproducing some of the letters below, and have asked Ned Feeblish, Les Pages aux Folles, Inc. Ltd.’s Vice President of Public Relations and Eco Infestations, to respond.

I was planning on closing my lights for Earth Second. Really, I was. Then, I blinked. Is there anything I can do to make up for my lack of…attention?

Of course! Swap your car for a hybrid, or better yet, switch to public transit, or – the best option of all – find a place to live that is close to both your work and places to shop so you can bicycle everywhere. Limit how much you buy that has too much packaging, always use canvas bags instead of plastic, don’t buy bottled water, be sure to turn off appliances when they’re not in u –

Wow. That, uhh, sounds like a lot of effort. You know, I’m not that ashamed, really.

Oh. Well, then, just think happy thoughts, and the world will be fine.

Humph, well, Prime Minister Stephen Harper didn’t turn off his lights for Earth Second – why should I?

Well, humph, the Prime Minister will probably be able to afford to light his home when gasoline costs $250 a barrel. Will you?

Well, I did it. I turned my electricity off for an entire second. Not just lights, either: my computer, my TV, my electronic dentures. The whole shebang. At first, I thought the dark would be terrifying. As I sat there in my kitchen, trying not to think about how I would chew my food, at first I could hear my breathing. Then, I swear I could hear my heart beating. It was a humbling reminder of the mortality we all share. Or, at least, it would have been, except the second was over and I jumped out my chair to hit the lights.

My question is: having participated in Earth Second, how smug am I allowed to be?

Hmm. That’s always a tough question. You can certainly be more smug than the Prime Minister (on the narrow question of support for the environment – if you try to outsmug him on anything else, you will surely lose). However, you probably shouldn’t be more smug than the person who wrote the following letter.

Hello, Canada. My name is Aminah. I live in Kazimiyah, a small city outside of Baghdad. Congratulations to all of you who participated in Earth Second. Of course, my village is lucky if we get four hours of electricity daily, which, I suppose, means that we participate in 72,000 Earth Seconds every day. This gives me a keen appreciation of what you went through – well done, Canadians.

Aminah, it doesn’t take much to read the criticism implicit in your letter. Well, let me tell you something, sister: I cannot disagree emphatically enough with your thinly veiled knock against the Canadian people. You don’t use electricity because you don’t actually have it (what with the war and all). Canadians, on the other hand, actually had a choice, and millions of them chose not to use electricity. This, I would suggest, makes ours a far more noble sacrifice than yours.

I understand that the Earth Second was supposed to “raise people’s consciousness.” Well, I turned off all my lights, and I didn’t see god, become more attuned to the oneness of all living things or have any sort of out of body experience. So, what was the point?

Ah. Yes, well, we actually received a lot of correspondence attesting to how, although their consciousness was unaffected, many people had portions of their, uhh, anatomy raised. Perhaps you were aiming too high.

Of course not. All I’m saying is that, since it only takes a few seconds more for the average Canadian to have sex, many took advantage of the darkness of Earth Second. Each to their own heavin’…