What the Heck Do You Know?
Isn’t As Vulturish About The Culture As It Was When It Was Young
961) It’s easy enough to understand why the United States wouldn’t want to label their military installations as “lasting,” much less “eternal.” Still, how did they stumble upon the descriptor “enduring?”
a) many of the Generals are old enough to be losing their hearing, and they thought the military installations were actually going to be called “endearing”
b) because if they had used the term “abiding,” they would have been sued by the Coen brothers for infringing on the copyright of the film The Big Lebowski
c) some Generals wanted “forever in your face” and others wanted “how long is for us to know and you to find out;” “enduring” snuck up the middle to gain the prize
962) What was the first sign that Arthur Carty, appointed as Canada’s first National Science Adviser by Liberal Paul Martin, was out of favour with the Conservative government and should resign?
a) they hung a sign outside his office door that read: “Prime Minister’s Private Privy”
b) they moved his position to the Ministry of We Don’t Give A Shit About Your Opinion
c) the Prime Minister referred to him in a speech as “the dead Science Adviser walking”
963) Why didn’t the Conservatives just fire him?
a) because cynical people like you would have made fun of them if they had
b) that’s not how it’s done in the private sector (even if it is…)
c) that wouldn’t have been scientific, and the Conservatives are all about the science
964) There is currently a contest to create a new six word motto for the United States. Which of the following would you most like to see adopted?
a) Not as violent as you think.
b) No, really, we love the French!
c) We hate being told what to do.
965) In his ongoing efforts to charm the Canadian public, Rudyard Griffiths recently wrote that “I cannot figure out how our economy can escape from falling into recession.” Gee, Rudyard, a soft cooing in our ears would have sufficed. If he really wants to win over Canadians, what should Griffiths write next?
a) the war in Afghanistan is a losing cause, but we have to stay in it to please our American overlords
b) Canada is an independent country in name only thanks to our American overlords
c) he knows about your cocaine habit, and if you don’t stop he’s going to call the cops
966) Some Americans are wondering to themselves (or in their columns in prominent newspapers): where will Barack Obama take the nation? Good question. Where will Obama take the nation?
a) out for breakfast, just as soon as he’s settled in
b) around the moon and back (as long as the nation pays for the condoms)
c) out to the woodshed for some tough love because, frankly, the nation has been very naughty lately
967) What weapon best suits your personality?
a) mace
b) a mace
c) a copy of The Nation
968) Who delivered the Sermon on the Mount?
a) Captain Lou Albano
b) Jesus Alou
c) Charles Lindbergh
969) What is the first book of the Bible?
a) Firsts
b) Appetizers
c) Captain Lou Albano
970) Who or what were Sodom and Gomorrah?
a) a comedy team from the 1940s who, oddly enough, never made it big
b) two names considered for the show that was eventually called Larry King Live
c) the nicknames of Cyndi Lauper and Captain Lou Albano
971) What do questions 968 to 970 have in common?
a) they’re an indication of how much Americans actually know about the Bible
b) let’s see…they’re all left-handed, and…and, against all evidence to the contrary, they all claim to watch nothing but Masterpiece Theatre on television
c) what they have in common is that they have nothing in common, and what are the odds of that?
972) General Motors Vice Chairman Bob Lutz claims that his dismissal of global warming as “a crock of shit” has no bearing on his company’s commitment to build environmentally friendly vehicles. How credible is this?
a) as credible as the crocodile telling the loon that he just wants to cuddle
b) as credible as a Finance Minister telling the country that tax cuts will benefit all people equally
c) as credible as a Bart in a thunderstorm
973) What alternative terms did the Department of Justice consider before settling on the term “unlawful combatant?”
a) illegitimate antagonist
b) illicit rival
c) improper competitor
d) Janet
974) Facing huge unpaid bills, American telephone companies are cutting off FBI wiretaps. How will the United States fight terror now?
a) in the trenches, on the beaches, with blood, sweat, toil, tears, oomph, bumph, a steady hand and a warm heart and – man, oh, man, who says Barack Obama is the only eloquent person in Washington?!
b) with NSA wiretaps, and CIA wiretaps, and Department of Agriculture wireta – uhh, you probably weren’t supposed to know about that last one…
c) one Congressional subpoena at a time, baby, one Congressional subpoena at a time
975) What were some of the rejected mottos for Reese’s peanut butter cups?
a) “You got your peanut butter in my diesel engine!”
b) “You got your eyeliner in my chocolate!”
c) “You got your peanut butter in my chocolate – I’m calling my lawyer!”
976) Complete this sentence: Waterboarding isn’t torture because…
a) President Bush isn’t a liar.
b) drowning isn’t a form of death.
c) it isn’t worth my sanity to argue with a right-wing ideologue.
977) What is “nice fascism?”
a) touting the health benefits of a vegetarian diet (unlike the more traditional form of arresting people without cause, torturing them and, if they survive, putting them through show trials)
b) the kind that puts smiley faces on all of its tanks as it invades your country
c) whatever Jonah Goldberg says it is
978) The federal government is being urged not to recognize Kosovo’s declaration of independence. Critics are worried that such recognition would give succor to Quebec separatists. And, they may have a point. How is the Quebec situation similar to the Kosovo situation?
a) the Quebecois have had to endure a horrific ethnic cleansing
b) the Kosovars main concern is the preservation of their Albanian language
c) oh, wait, I misspelled “succor” – it should actually have spelled “sucker.” I hope this doesn’t change the meaning of the question too much…
979) In order to prove that he was legitimately lobbying on behalf of Karlheinz Schreiber, former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney has sent the Commons Ethics Committee two old brochures for light armoured vehicles. This is like…
a) proving you haven’t cheated on your wife by handing her a pair of old copies of Playboy
b) proving to your boss that you’ve been hard at work by handing her a couple of old collections of Dilbert cartoons
c) contempt, but it tastes like chicken
980) The Ontario Securities Commission (hereinafter referred to as “The Doofus Tool of the Corporate Establishment”) has given former RBC Securities executive Andrew Rankin a lifetime ban on acting as a director or officer of a public company and a 10 year ban on trading securities for admitting he gave illegal stock market tips to a friend who used the information to make millions of dollars. How confident does this make you in the stock market?
a) turkey neck squat confident
b) keep all my money in my mattress until it’s worthless confident
c) I need more friends at RBC Securities confident
