Daughter of Molly Ardent and Philip Eager, and great grand-niece of Ernestine Zealous.
2) Why do I even bother to ask?
Somebody has to. Frequently Unasked Questions files don’t start themselves.
3) Okay. Seriously, who is she?
Okay. Seriously, until recently, Keen was the head of the Canadian Nuclear Safety Commission, a quasi-judicial, post hoc, pre emptor, arm’s length, off with their heads organization that regulates Canada’s nuclear reactors.
4) Until recently? What happened to change this?
Keen was under the mistaken impression that it was her job to shut down nuclear reactors that didn’t live up to safety requirements.
It was in her job description.
So, Keen exactly ordered that the Chalk Lake reactor be closed. Atomic Energy of Canada Ltd., which runs the reactor, had not completed required safety upgrades, and Keen didn’t want the proof of the aging reactor’s unfitness to come in the form of a mushroom cloud.
7) What was the government response?
Minister of Natural Resources Gary Lunn stated at a press conference: “Yo. The ho was, like, all in my face about the Chalk River reactor not being up to standards and shit. And, I told her, ‘Yo, bitch. You get that reactor up and running or there will be consequences. You feel me?’ Did she do what I told her? Hell, no! People could be dying because they couldn’t get their radioactive motherfucking isotopes, but did she care? The fuck she did! So, I told her, ‘Step down or bring it, you incompetent bitch. I don’t care if you are arm’s length, cause I got a righteous fist at the end of my arm! And, if that don’t work, a Glock 17!’”
8) Does Minister of Natural Resources Gary Lunn really talk like that?
You should hear him in caucus meetings!
9) But, does he really – hey! What was that he said about “r*d***ct*ve m*th*rf*ck*ng *s*t*p*s?”
The Chalk River reactor supplied nuclear isotopes used in medical diagnostic procedures to hospitals around the world. Being shut down for an appreciable amount of time would mean a dangerous shortage of the isotopes.
10) How embarrassing for Canada – how embarrassing for the government!
Quite.
11) But, what if the Chalk River reactor started spewing radioactive material into the atmosphere?
It wouldn’t be a problem.
Naah. The Conservatives have written off Ontario. In fact, if a few thousand Ontarians died of radiation induced cancers, it would give more power to voters in the Tories’ western base. Hell, if enough Ontarians died, the proposed new allocation of seats in the federal Parliament would actually be fair.
13) Are you saying that the Conservatives are deliberately courting a nuclear meltdown in Ontario?
Of course not. That would be inhumane.
I’m just saying that it’s the sort of thing they could take advantage of if it were to happen. You know, theoretically.
15) So, how, exactly, was the disagreement between Keen and government resolved?
The Conservative government fired Keen. Exactly.
16) Can they do that? I mean, isn’t the point of an arm’s length organization that its decisions should not be interfered with by politicians for partisan gain?
Oh, the Conservatives believe absolutely in the principle of arm’s length organizations. It’s just that they treat them as though the government was a double amputee. Not a lot of distance in arm’s length when you don’t have arms.
Politics is a dirty business.
The Conservative government fired Keen 18 seconds before she was scheduled to testify before a Commons committee to defend the Canadian Nuclear Safety Commission’s decision to close the Chalk River reactor.
Give or take 24 hours. Still, you get the point. Keen was fired the night before her appearance.
20) How did the Minister justify the firing?
By holding a press conference and calmly explaining: “Yo, this government has made it very clear that we’re not gonna let no incompetent bureaucratic bitches get away with nothing. You feel me? If any pencil pushers dumb enough to come after us, fuckers had best bring their best game, yo, cause we be taking no motherfucking prisoners!”
21) Really, does Gary Lunn talk like that?
Maybe not, but if you’re going to trash talk somebody, you might as well do it right.