What the Heck Do You Know? Enjoyed His Dark Materials
941) The subject line of a spam I recently received offered me: “Ped Egg - As Seen on TV! Now you can have clean, smooth feet!?” Why would I want smooth feet?
a) smooth feet are an aphrodisiac…for 12th century Mongols
b) you will no longer have to be buying new shoes every week because of your jagged feet
c) the phrase “smooth as a baby’s bottom” is in desperate need of an update (and the babies of the world thank you)
942) Who should play Courtney Love in the Kurt Cobain biographical film?
a) Joe Garagiola
b) Phyllis Diller
c) you’re mean
943) Whenever the New York Times has held back on publishing a news story, they have regretted it. Why do they keep doing it?
a) the editors are addicted to apologizing
b) this time, national security really will benefit – scouts’ honour!
c) it’s just…it’s just not a giving institution. It always withholds something – I think The Times and the American people need some kind of couples’ therapy, because this relationship clearly isn’t working!
944) What is the LaRouche-Riemann Method?
a) a method of calculating how many government agents are coming to kill you using a choice of positive-definite quadratic form on a manifold's tangent spaces which varies smoothly from point to point
b) a really ineffective form of birth control (which explains why it is so highly praised by the Catholic Church)
c) a new approach to game graphic design that makes human characters look seven per cent creepier than before
945) What is life without passion?
a) a John Grisham novel
b) a career in retail
c) my marriage…you bastard!
946) According to a headline in my daily newspaper, Israel vows to display compassion in Gaza. How does Israel intend to do that?
a) when they bulldoze Arab homes, they’ll leave roses on the rubble
b) the wall partitioning Arab areas from Jewish settlements will feature photographs of puppies
c) by saying Israel plans on doing it
947) What did your face look like before you were born?
a) foosball
b) the square root of the sum of the first 11 prime numbers
c) the square root of the sum of the first 11 Prime Ministers
d) Alfred
948) How is the new Canadian anti-terror law an improvement on the old one?
a) the word “the” in paragraph three, section six, sub-section 12 is no longer misspelled “hte”
b) it is printed on scented parchment
c) when the government arrests you without charge and refuses to allow you to see the evidence against you, it has to allow you to watch your choice of Spongebob Squarepants, Puffy Ami Yumi or Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends within 24 hours of your arrest
949) According to the Globe and Mail, Europe’s Enron moment has arrived. What is an “Enron moment?”
a) what in the 1980s used to be called a “savings and loan” moment
b) what in the 1970s used to be called an “oil crisis” moment
c) what in the 1920s used to be called an “oh my god, the world economy is collapsing all around us!” moment (without the flappers)
950) What was the importance of Tet?
a) I don’t know, but I find just the fact that you brought it up Offensive
b) it’s what you get for tit
c) awww, why do you have to go bringing up all that ancient history! It makes my brain hurt! Don’t make me have to learn anything about Vietnam – I saw Platoon! What more do I need to know? And, and, anyway, you interrupted America’s Most Psychotic Home Videos! Don’t talk to me again until it’s over!
951) Who insisted “We do not torture?”
a) American President George W. Bush
b) Asadullah Khalid, Governor of Kandahar Province, Afghanistan
c) Mister Magoo
952) Who had the most reason to insist that “We do not torture?”
a) Bush (because when he claimed that he was a “uniter” he didn’t want people to think that he favoured uniting a soldier’s fist with a detainee’s face)
b) Khalid (because some whiny journalists in a country most of the people in Afghanistan have never heard of are saying that he’s not very nice – well! He’ll show them who’s not very nice!)
c) Mister Magoo (he tried waterboarding, but for some reason he kept washing his victim’s feet)
953) What is the difference between a cyclone and a tornado?
a) where you place your hands
b) a tornado contains 27 per cent more alcohol, but a cyclone will have you on the floor faster
c) tornados have very strong opinions on the whole “Dorothy” question, while cyclones shrug their shoulders and say, “meh”
954) BP, which used to be called British Petroleum, now calls itself Beyond Petroleum. What, exactly, lies beyond petroleum?
a) nirvana
b) Outer Petroleum, and its suburbs Lincoln, Narwhal and Spider Flange
c) bankruptcy for Alberta and, by association, the rest of Canada (whose motto will be: “From sea to shining sea, let all those bastards freeze in the dark!”)
955) What does the phrase “getting ink done” mean to you?
a) several hours of pain for an image I’ll hate in two months but have to wear for the rest of my life – tatts rule!
b) another $100 million commission for a merger well done, which should just about cover the downpayment on my summer house in Big Sur
c) the squid’s loose again!
956) Which book best reflects the Harper government’s current attitude towards the Bush government?
a) When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
b) Kicking Your Stress Habits: A Do-It-Yourself Guide for Coping With Stress
c) Heart of Darkness
d) He Just Not That Into You
e) Beyond Armageddon
957) What is depleted uranium?
a) uranium that’s totally whacked, man, just totally whacked, and could really use a little R&R
b) uranium with lazy electrons in its three outermost orbitals
c) uranium that has lost its faith in the democratic process
958) Will you be my friend?
a) no, I’m morally opposed to people who verbize
b) no, I have more friends than I can use right now; if that doesn’t put you off, ask me again in six months…no, wait, make that six years…
c) did we just have a Mister Roger’s moment?
d) oh, my god, did we just have a Barney moment?
959) In 2007, the United States changed the charges against Omar Khadr, adding that he killed two Afghan soldiers. What legal principle guided the US in this action?
a) the “We know you’re guilty of something you sick bastard, and we’re going to keep charging you with shit until something sticks” principle (and, why not? It worked in the American south for many years…)
b) the “We’re the last superpower standing, suckah, and what’s the point of having all that power if you can’t use it to destroy individual lives without due process, eh? EH? Whaddya gonna do about that, punk? Hunh? HUNH? Waddya gonna do?” principle
c) The Victoria (BC) Principal
960) What is a godrepreneur?
a) a businessman who thinks the story about throwing the moneylenders out of the temple was good, clean fun, but it’s time to get serious, now
b) somebody who can claim to have more money than god secure in the knowledge that, even though the deity could simply create more money, the Federal Reserve Bank would stop it to avoid the horrendous inflation it would cause
c) a man who believes that doing god’s work requires a mansion, a limo, a yacht and a 160,000 seat church with its own television studio equipped with high bandwidth fibre optic cable (for when the spirit really moves you)
