The Panel Peruses the Polls

HOST: The winner of the Democratic Iowa caucuses in one word, Panel – NDP?

NDP: I –

HOST: Liberal?

LIBERAL: Obama.

HOST: Conservative?

CONSERVATIVE: Clinton.

HOST: Five second sound-byte answer, NDP?

NDP: I kind of liked how Edwards –

HOST: Liberal?

LIBERAL: First place gives Obama serious credibility.

HOST: Conservative?

CONSERVATIVE: Clinton didn’t get salmonella poisoning on the campaign bus.

HOST: You…don’t have high expectations of the Democrats, do you?

CONSERVATIVE: No, I really don’t.

HOST: You’re watching Pundit Panel. Who wants to start the scrum?

CONSERVATIVE: The biggest surprise, for me, was the Vagina Voters. I thought –

LIBERAL: The WHAT?

CONSERVATIVE: Women who would vote for any candidate who had a vagina. They actually split in Iowa, with many going over to the Mandingo Moms –

LIBERAL: WHAT THE HELL?

CONSERVATIVE: White women of a certain age enthralled by handsome, charismatic black men. Really, you need to read the polls more closely.

LIBERAL: I read the polls religiously, and I’ve NEVER seen those terms used –

CONSERVATIVE: Maybe you should be reading OUR polls.

NDP: Wow. You were both racially and genderly insensitive in a single five second sound byte.

CONSERVATIVE: Thank you.

HOST: NDP, you want to get into this?

NDP: Not really. See, the thing is, four days from now is the New Hampshire primary, and what happens there will make everything we talk about tonight irrelevant.

LIBERAL: Spoilsport.

CONSERVATIVE: Killjoy.

HOST: NDP makes a good point. Iowa is just one of 52 American states –

NDP: Fifty.

LIBERAL: Isn’t it forty-nine?

NDP: Fifty!

HOST: Well, reasonable people might differ on the exact number of American states, but I think we can all agree that it’s a lot. Why give the Iowa caucuses such importance?

CONSERVATIVE: It’s a matter of momentum, isn’t it? Imagine a fat woman running down a beach. I’m talking about a real fattie, here – think Oprah in her worst cake binging days, then multiply by two –

NDP: You just can’t help yourself, can you?

CONSERVATIVE: I just like to watch your face turn purple with restrained outrage. See, as the fat woman’s stomach jiggles up and down, it creates a force that actually helps her move forward. Momentum. Fat women on beaches have it. Candidates who win in the Iowa caucuses have it.

HOST: Okay, well, that’s an image that’s going to stay with me for a long time. Perhaps we should switch gears. The winner of the Republican Iowa caucuses in one word – Conservative?

CONSERVATIVE: Huckabee.

HOST: Liberal?

LIBERAL: Huckabee.

HOST: NDP?

NDP: Huckabee.

HOST: Okay, that’s boring. How about the loser? Conservative?

CONSERVATIVE: Giuliani.

HOST: Liberal?

LIBERAL: Thompson.

HOST: NDP?

NDP: The American people.

HOST: Five second sound-byte explanation. Conservative?

CONSERVATIVE: America’s Mayor is really America’s Nightmare.

HOST: Ooooooh. Gooooood! Very clever! That’s gonna be on all the late night newscasts. Liberal?

LIBERAL: Law and Order campaign more law and disorder.

HOST: Not bad. Probably a morning show quote. NDP?

NDP: Moral and intellectual pygmies when the United States needs a giant.

HOST: Hunh. Yeah. You might be quoted by a couple of left-wing blogs. Okay, who wants to start the scru –

LIBERAL: You know, Mike Hucksterbee’s emergen –

CONSERVATIVE: Excuse me?

LIBERAL: The emergence of Mike Hucksterbee shows –

CONSERVATIVE: Oh, very clever.

LIBERAL: Hey, you started the name-calling.

NDP: Oh, this is just petty.

CONSERVATIVE: It’s easy to take the moral high ground when you poll in single digits.

NDP: I could have been a labour lawyer…

HOST: Liberal, you were saying…?

LIBERAL: Huckabee’s emergence shows the limitations of a party that’s dominated by religious extremists. Romney, who was very photogenic and would have been a strong candidate, was rejected because he didn’t believe in the right god. Giuliani, who knew how to milk 9/11 for all it was worth, was rejected because his god was a thrice married cross-dresser. McCain, a justifiably celebrated war hero, was rejected because his god wasn’t fast enough to pay respects to the religious right.

NDP: I disagree.

LIBERAL: You would, wouldn’t you?

NDP: The only god all Republicans worship is Ma –

HOST: Okay, time is just about up. Last thoughts, Conservative?

CONSERVATIVE: This is what I live for.

HOST: Liberal?

LIBERAL: Making fun of the Conservative is what I live for.

HOST: NDP?

NDP: This is gonna be a long year…

HOST: Thank you, everyone, for another enlightening segment of Pundit Panel.