HOST: Brian Mulroney’s testimony before the Commons Committee investigating Karlheinz Schreiber’s allegations, Panel. One word reaction, Conservative?
CONSERVATIVE: Good.
HOST: Liberal?
LIBERAL: Bad.
HOST: NDP?
NDP: Yuck.
HOST: Five second justification of your one word reaction. Conservative?
CONSERVATIVE: Poised. Commanding. Strong.
HOST: Liberal?
LIBERAL: Smarmy. Evasive. Self-important.
HOST: NDP.
NDP: I wanted to reach into my TV set and –
HOST: Yes, well, ahh, your five seconds are up. You’re watching Pundit Panel. Former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney: poised and strong or smarmy and evasive? Let’s see some tape.
MP: Prime Minister, what did Karlheinz Schreiber give you the money for?
MULRONEY: It wasn’t illegal.
MP: Perhaps, but what was it for?
MULRONEY: Stuff.
MP: What kind of stuff?
MULRONEY: Legal stuff.
MP What kind of legal stuff?
MULRONEY: The kind that isn’t against the law.
HOST: That goes on for another 20 minutes, but you get the idea. Conservative, you watch that performance and how do you respond?
CONSERVATIVE: It was brilliant!
HOST: What was brilliant about it?
CONSERVATIVE: Stuff.
HOST: What kind of stuff?
CONSERVATIVE: The brilliant stuff!
HOST: And, that was…?
CONSERVATIVE: The stuff that didn’t suck!
NDP: Oh, for Pete’s sake! This is the Big Lie! – repeat something enough times and people will believe it no matter how much evidence there is to show that it’s not true!
HOST: NDP, you’d like to jump in and make a point?
NDP: Mulroney keeps saying the payments were legal but won’t tell us what they were for. Bush keeps telling us that Iran will soon have nuclear weapons even though his intelligent agencies told him in the summer that that’s not true. Little Timmy keeps telling his parents that he’s doing fantastic in school even though his report card contains all Cs.
CONSERVATIVE: Owww! I think we can leave Little Timmy out of this!
NDP: But, that’s my point: what are we teaching the children?
HOST: Liberal, what are we teaching the children?
LIBERAL: I think that may be a little beside the –
CONSERVATIVE: (under breath) Gomery!
LIBERAL: I beg your pardon?
CONSERVATIVE: What?
LIBERAL: Did you say Gomery?
CONSERVATIVE: Absolutely not. I was…clearing my throat.
LIBERAL: (unconvinced) Oh…
CONSERVATIVE: But, since you brought it up –
LIBERAL: Oh! Oh! That’s very nice. A Conservative is being investigated for possible wrongdoing and you try to obscure the issue by dragging in an old investigation of Liberal wrongdoing!
NDP: Notice that there has never been an investigation of NDP wrongdoing.
LIBERAL AND CONSERVATIVE: (as one) That’s because you’ve never been in power!
HOST: Sounds like they’ve got you there, NDP.
NDP: (muttering) Fine thing to teach the children.
LIBERAL: Besides. When Jean Chretien appeared before Gomery, he didn’t bring his entire family.
CONSERVATIVE: No. He brought a bucket full of golf balls.
LIBERAL: At least he didn’t need to be surrounded by children to humanize him.
CONSERVATIVE: You’re right.
LIBERAL: I am?
CONSERVATIVE: Nothing could have humanized Jean Chretien!
LIBERAL: Oh, hold on –!
HOST: Panel, a poll in the Toronto Star shows that while Pierre Trudeau’s supporters have positive feelings towards him – love, joy, optimism – they really need to get a room – Brian Mulroney’s supporters – these are his supporters, now – feel displeasure, sadness, shame and other negative emotions towards him. Any response, Conservative?
CONSERVATIVE: Yeah, well, I’ve got a poll showing that 87 per cent of Conservative voters would bear Brian Mulroney’s children if they could.
LIBERAL: Oh, where did that number come from?
NDP: The polling company in his ass!
CONSERVATIVE: It’s in process! It will be released…eventually…
HOST: Okay, lightning round. Schreiber says he gave Mulroney $300,000 in three payments of $100,000. Mulroney says it was only $225,000 in three payments of $75,000. What does this prove, Conservative?
CONSERVATIVE: That the transaction was completely aboveboard.
HOST: Liberal?
LIBERAL: That Mulroney can’t count.
HOST: NDP?
NDP: That the public is easily distracted by trivia.
HOST: Okay, time is up. I’d like to thank Conservative…
CONSERVATIVE: Yeah, whatever.
HOST: Liberal…
LIBERAL: I’ve got a…golf game to get to…
HOST: And NDP…
NDP: The children! Doesn’t anybody care about the children?
HOST: For another delightful segment of Pundit Panel. Stay tuned: after the commercial break, we have an hour long special report on the return of the Spice Girls –
NDP: See what I mean about trivia?
HOST: Oh, hush. We’re done…