“Go on. Pick it up.”
“What is it?”
“A gift.”
“From you?”
“Why not?”
“You shoot people like me.”
“What if I went around the corner? I could hide – you wouldn’t even know I was there.”
“But, I do know you’re there.”
“Can’t you just pretend?”
“But – okay, look. Even if I did, what use would I have for…wire?”
“It’s copper.”
“Okay. What use would I have for copper wire?”
“Oh, I don’t know…people do…”
“I’m starving. I need food.”
“Maybe you could sell it for something, or, or trade the copper wire for food to somebody who needs it.”
“Nobody I know needs copper wire. Everybody I know is starving.”
“Look, I’m trying to help you.”
“Then, why don’t you give me food?”
“Because I have copper wire.”
“…Who are you?”
“I’m a friend.”
“How do I know you’re a friend?”
“Because I bring you a gift.”
“A gift I can’t use.”
“You could use the gift if you just applied a little imagination to it.”
“How could I do that?”
“Well, you could…you could use the copper wire to…to lure a chicken onto the road. Then, when the chicken was pecking at the wire – VROOM! – you could pounce on it!”
“Vroom?”
“You could pounce on the chicken.”
“Tell me, how long has the copper wire been lying in the middle of the road?”
“Three, almost four days, now.”
“And, have you seen a chicken get anywhere close to it in that time?”
“Well…no. But, be fair. I wasn’t waiting for a chicken – I was waiting for somebody I could give a gift of copper wire to. And, look: here you are!”
“Erm, why would a chicken be interested in a coil of copper wire on the ground?”
“Why are you?”
“I’m not!”
“And, yet, here you are, about to take it. Chickens can be inscrutable that way.”
“What makes you think I’m going to pick up the copper wire?”
“I would consider it a personal favour if you would.”
“Who are you?”
“As you should be able to tell from my snappy uniform, I’m an American soldier.”
“The kind of person who shoots people like me.”
“You’re really fixated on this whole ‘shooting at people like me’ thing, aren’t you?”
“You’re occupying my country. Half my family are dead because of you, and I am without food or the resources to get food for the half that are still alive.”
“Can we please get beyond your petty concerns? I would consider it a personal favour if you would pick up the coil of copper wire.”
“Why?”
“Well, we’ve got so much of it, you see. It’s overflowing our storehouses – we’re practically being drowned in a sea of copper wire. We, uhh, actually requisitioned steel plates to reinforce the armour of our vehicles, but we got tons and tons of copper wire instead. You wanna know what the real tragedy of this war is? The private companies making money hand over fist while soldiers in the field don’t get out basic needs met.”
“My heart almost bleeds for you.”
“Aww, that’s cold, man. You’re really cold.”
“When I asked you ‘Why?’, I was really asking why I would want to do a favour for you.”
“It’s always about you, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I’m just a selfish bastard, aren’t I?”
“Look. Pick up the copper wire and you’ll have the gratitude of the government of the United States of America.”
“Yeah? That and $50 will get me a cup of coffee. Assuming I can get $50. And that coffee is available anywhere in the city.”
“You would have my gratitude.”
“Why should I be concerned about having your gratitude?”
“I have guns that are bigger than you are, and I know how to use them.”
“Ah. You make a good argument.”
“I was a West Point debating club alternate.”
“It shows.”
“Thank you.”
“Sooo…I just pick up the copper wire and walk away with it?”
“Free as a bird.”
“I could make a cage with it.”
“You could do whatever you want with it.”
“You’re not big on irony, are you?”
“I’m only a private. You don’t get to appreciate irony until you’re at least a Captain.”
“Rank has its privileges.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Okay. You’ve convinced me. I’ll take the copper wire.”
“Good man. It’s just this kind of cooperative effort that is going to have Iraq back on its feet in no time!”
“From your mouth to Allah’s ear.”
“Jesus’ ear.”
“In the newfound spirit of cooperation, let us agree to disagree on this point.”
“Fair enough.”
“Great. … Thanks for the –”
BANG! BANG!
“Terrorist.”