Good evening. My name is Ned Feeblish. I am Vice President of Public Relations and Bland Ministrations for Les Pages aux Folles, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp. Some of the readers of our fine, fine comedy feature have expressed concern that the fact that production of the columns has been outsourced to China may be putting their health at risk.
[Insincere knowing laughter.] Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, laboratory tests have proven conclusively that reading Les Pages aux Folles is 27 per cent less harmful than reading Dave Barry, and a full 327 per cent less harmful than reading Vinay Menon. You can't argue with the numbers - it's science!
Each day, we get literally...ones or twos of letters supporting our fine, fine comedy product. And, you'd best believe those letters pile up moderately quickly! Letters like this one from reader Marceline Saint-de-von-Trapptropez, who writes: "Dear wholly owned MultiNatCorp subsidiary: I had to stop reading your fine, fine humour feature because I laughed so hard I continually wet myself, and the nurses on the ward were getting tired of changing my diapers every fifteen minutes!"
[Insincere warm smile.] Thank you, Marceline, for those kind words.
Recent reports have suggested that some of our readers have gotten lead poisoning from our fine, fine satirical writing. Strictly speaking, this is not true: those who got lead poisoning were actually three and four year-old children who sucked on the columns while their parents' attention was momentarily distracted. In response, senior Les Pages aux Folles management has decided that the only humane course of action would be to bring a complaint against those parents for child abuse.
Nor is this the only positive action we have decided to take. We recently contacted Chun-Yunn Haroun, the manager of the factory in China where the columns are produced, demanding to know how lead had gotten into our fine, fine comedic baubles.
Haroun replied: "Why are you asking me how lead got in the columns? You know how lead got in the columns! You insisted we use the cheapest materials available so that you could compete with Jay Leno! And, it's not like you've ever made a secret of the fact that you moved production to China because we don't have any product safety laws! I would appreciate it if you stopped wasting my time with idiotic questions to which you already know the answers - I have workers to beat!"
[Insincere chuckle.] There's obviously a problem with translation, even though Haroun, educated at Harvard, speaks passable English. But, if you can look past that, I think you will see that this completely exonerates MultiNatCorp and its 237 wholly owned subsidiaries of any liability in the matter of the lead poisoning of your children.
You may have heard that the wheat gluten used in the manufacture of the paper on which our fine, fine...things are printed will give you a contact high. MultiNatCorp neither confirms nor denies this allegation, as we're still weighing the possibility of criminal charges against increased sales. However, we would definitely like to know how this rumour was started, as we may consider legal action if we determine that criminal charges are more likely.
[Insincere look of concern.] This is all fine and well, I hear you thinking, but what about the important members of our family - our pets? It is true that there have been reports of cats, dogs, hamsters, boa constrictors, orangutans and other small animals having hallucinations that they were Vern Troyer upon contact with our fine, fine...funny stuff. For this reason, we recommend that you not use it to paper train your pets until they are of legal age.
This may come as a surprise to some of our readers, but the recommendation is clearly stated on a our Web site. From the Home Page of Les Pages aux Folles, click on "MultiNatCorp." On our home page, click on "Legal." You will be given a choice of Legalese or English - choose Legalese. (There are many English-Legalese translation programmes available on the Internet for a reasonable fee.) At the bottom of this page is an invisible link to a page called "Recommended Product Usage." Put your cursor on the link and leave it there for precisely four minutes and 33 seconds. If you click at just the right moment, you will be taken to a form which will ask you embarrassing questions about your weight, income and parental lineage. (If you do not click at the right moment, Guido will make a note of it in your file.) Once you have submitted the form, wait 24 hours for confirmation and a password that will allow you to enter the page, which is written in Esperanto. Use an Esperanto to Legalese translation programme, then a Legalese to English programme to obtain the recommendation. (If you do it in the wrong order, you will get the lyrics to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody," which, while a worthy artistic creation, will not help you in this situation and, in any case, is not legally binding.)
And, there you have it. We couldn't have made it any easier for you.
[Insincere expansive gesture of confidence.] As you can see, we at MultiNatCorp do everything in our power to make our customers believe that we have their best interests at heart. I hope this little chat has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about the safety of our fine, fine...whatever. If not, I suggest you take it up with Guido. He loves making notes in people's files.