The first thing you need to do at any Film Festival is stake out the celebrity headquarters.
MARCH 6, 2007
Only six more months until The Film Festival! Only six more months until The Film Festival! Only six more months until The Film Festival!
APRIL 7, 2007
Only five more months until The Film Festival! Only five more months until The Film Festival! Only five more months until The Film Festival! How will I be able to make it?!
MAY 5, 2007
Only four more months until The Film Festival, and it’s not coming fast enough! For comfort, I surrounded myself with all of my old Books. The Boy thought I was going a bit overboard, but I think he was really jealous that I was stroking The Books with more affection than I stroke him. Hey! He knew I was like this before we started…he just knew, okay?
AUGUST 29, 2007
The Film Festival is mere days away, and I’m crumbling. Lights are flashing before my eyes with the rhythm of paparazzi on a star hunt. It got so bad, I had to lie down at work, which was quite uncomfortable, given that I was stacking books in Chapters (I’ll work my way up to an Indigo…some day…I know…) at the time. After The Festival, I’m going to have to see a chiropractor for sure!
SEPTEMBER 5, 2007
IT’S ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SEPTEMBER 6, 2007
OH, MY GOD, BRAD PITT LOOKED AT ME!!!!! HE TURNED HIS HEAD AND LOOKED IN MY DIRECTION!!!!!!!! Then, he coughed and turned back to whatever dumbass thing he was looking at, BUT FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT MY EYES LOCKED WITH BRAD PITT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SEPTEMBER 7, 2007
I hope Angelina isn’t jealous.
SEPTEMBER 8, 2007
“I’m not a dedicated filmmaker, I’m lazy. To me, making a film is not the be-all and end-all of my life. I want to shoot the film and go home and get on with my life. I said to myself after the first film, this is ridiculous. I don’t want to work to get a shot and miss the basketball game. I don’t want to have to work late, I don’t want to have to kill myself on the weekend, I don’t want to sit through rehearsals endlessly or shoot 10 extra takes to get the perfect moment.” (Woody Allen)
“It shows.” (The Boy)
“You’re sleeping on the couch tonight. And, tomorrow night. And, maybe forever.” (me)
SEPTEMBER 9, 2007
I staked out a restaurant called McNulty’s Indonesian Rib Shack because my best friend who I met in a lineup yesterday told me that that’s where celebrities hang out to get away from the unwanted attention of a press junket. It seemed a little out of The Film Festival way, being on Steeles, but my friend assured me that that was part of the attraction. And, it’s true, there were a dozen people hanging around outside with the deadened stares of hardened Film Festival goers. Either that, or they were heroineheads – the differences can be subtle. After seven hours, I decided the magic just wasn’t happening – maybe they were getting celebrities into the restaurant through a back door or some sort of secret passage – how cool is that? – so I grabbed myself a burger and went home.
If I see that guy again, I’ll ask him if I got the address right…
SEPTEMBER 10, 2007
Still looking for your one true love? Why don’t you try The Toronto International Film Festival lineup dating service? While waiting to find out if rush tickets for that Norwegian art house film about a man’s love for a narwhal will become available (you know, the one with so little buzz you wonder why you have to wait in a rush line to get tickets for it in the first place), simply start talking to the person standing next to you. You both love films – you’re bound to love each other! Simple? You bet! Inexpensive? I should hope so – you’ve already blown next month’s rent on your Festival pass! And, the best part? If you somehow manage not to hit it off, you’ll be in another lineup the very next day!
SEPTEMBER 11, 2007
Some people are complaining that the constant clicking noise of cameras is making it difficult to hear what actors say. Who cares what actors have to say! It’s not like George Clooney is going to say anything that will help me decide how to vote on the upcoming referendum on a proportional voting system! And, I can’t imagine Cate Blanchett having anything meaningful to contribute to the religious school funding debate!
Still, I agree that the photographers need to be reined in. After all, with all that clicking going on, how am I supposed to hear the beating of my heart?
SEPTEMBER 12, 2007
ME: This old guy with a weird southern accent stopped me while I was running to make a party. He kept wanting to talk about something called Halibut for Humanity. No matter how much I tried to tell him I was late for –
BOY: Wait a second! Do you mean Habitat for Humanity?
ME: Could have been. He just wouldn’t shut up about that fish thing, and I was really late, so I knocked him down.
BOY : You knocked him dow – do you have any idea who that man was?
ME: Uhh, no. Do you know who was at the party I was supposed to be at?
BOY: You knocked down Jimmy Carter!
ME: Who?
BOY: He was President of the United States!
ME: Oh. No biggie, then.
BOY He was at the festival because he was the subject of a feature film called The Man From Plains!
ME: He was in a film?
BOY: Directed by Jonathan Demme.
ME: Really? Wow. I guess I shouldn’t have kicked him in the nuts, then, hunh?
SEPTEMBER 13, 2007
I don’t want to talk about it. Really. I mean, who in their right mind would ask Sean Penn to stop smoking?
SEPTEMBER 14, 2007
SEPTEMBER 15, 2007
I was knocked over by Gabriel Garcia Bernal! Well, technically, I was knocked over by one of the dozen or so teenage girls who was following Gabriel Garcia Bernal around, trying to get a picture of him from a perfect angle with their cellphones. As if. But, these teenage girls had an almost physical connection to him, so it was like getting knocked over by Gabriel Garcia Bernal! And, stepped on all over by him, too!
As I lay on my back, staring at the Starship Enterprise hanging from the ceiling of the Paramount theatre (I don’t care what company buys naming rights to the cinema – it will always be the Paramount to me!), feeling the blood trickle warmly down my forehead and waiting for the paramedics because I just couldn’t find the energy to get up on my own, I couldn’t help but think, “Gabriel Garcia Bernal is a lot shorter than I imagined.”
SEPTEMBER 16, 2007
Oh, man, I could sleep for a week today! What a great, fantastic, amazing…stupendous…I don’t have the words to describe how wonderful this year’s TIFF was! Maybe exclamation marks will have to suffice: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! The Boy suggested that, next year, I should try to see some movies. Obviously, he has no idea how film festivals work!
