What the Heck Do You Know?
Is Proud To Have Been Arrested At An Anti-war Rally
841) Why is raising law enforcement budgets to help fight the “war” on drugs considered a wise investment, while raising the budgets of health care institutions is considered throwing money at the problem instead of dealing with it?
a) doctors aren’t as willing to knock down doors and break heads to get drug dealing scum off the street – it’s a Hippocratic Oath thing
b) doctors don’t carry sidearms, so politicians feel safer stiffing them
c) a strong health care system isn’t really a high priority among voters
842) Which of the following statements by Lu Shimin, China’s Ambassador to Canada, best excuses the health risk posed by many of his country’s industries?
a) “This kind of problem exists everywhere in the world. So why just pick out China for a big fuss?”
b) “If the charges are true, there will be a thorough investigation… I don’t believe the Chinese government doesn’t care about the safety of these toys. We do care. This concerns the safety of children, both home and abroad.”
c) “They [Mattel] have had [dealings] with the Chinese companies for at least 10 years. There should be no problem communicating with them. So, why has this occurred in such a way?”
d) all of the above
843) In a federal election, would you vote for a candidate named Satan?
a) only if he was running for the Conservative Party
b) I did when he was leading the Conservative Party
c) Brian? Brian Salmi? Is that you? You always were a troublemaker. Oh, if your mother knew what you were doing, it would kill her, completely break her heart, it would. Stop mucking about with federal politics – especially stop trying to revive the Rhinoceros Party – and get a real job, why don’t you?
844) Why has Russian President Vladimir Putin taken to being photographed without a shirt?
a) WATCH OUT, BRAD! HE’S MAKING A PLAY FOR ANGELINA!
b) to show solidarity with the millions of Russians who lost their shirts thanks to market reforms
c) he wants to be the next Bond
845) What is genericide?
a) an off-brand apple drink – no, wait, that would be genericider
b) a 60s detective series starring Raymond Burr
c) the murder of a gener, of course
846) What is a gener?
a) what gets killed in genericide. No need to thank me – helping educate the public is my pleasure as well as my job
b) an Olympic gold medalist – no, wait, that’s a Jenner
c) a manufacturer of ovens and cooktops, refrigerators, freezers, and dishwash – no, wait, that’s a JennAir. No need to thank me – helping spread mistaken information among the public is my pleasure as well as my job
847) How xtreme is Taco Bell?
a) messing with traditional spelling xtreme
b) strangling a Chihuahua xtreme
c) offering nutritious food xtre – whoa! Let’s not get crazy, here!
848) If Coke was a person, who would it be?
a) Donald Trump
b) Jodie Foster
c) Red Buttons
849) If Pepsi was a person, who would it be?
a) Erik Estrada
b) Eric Bana
c) Ricky Lee Jones
850) If the person that was Coke fought the person who was Pepsi in a to the death steel cage match, who would win?
a) Coke, because it’s good in the clinches and it really knows how to quench your thirst
b) Pepsi, because it has a mean right hook and goes down smooth
c) you have too much time on your hands, you know that? It’d be Coke. End of story. Now, why don’t you find something productive to do with your life?
851) What is a slash career?
a) a working life tragically cut short by a bizarre staple remover accident
b) the ability to make a living as a serial killer
c) would a Guns N’ Roses reference be too obvious, here? Yeah, yeah, I thought so…
852) Celebrity Skin and Bodily Fluids of Los Angeles claims to be selling the shit of heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson. How do you verify something like that?
a) well, I’m not an expert or anything, but I figure those smart guys and gals in a Crime Scene Investigation Unit could find a way to do it, and I bet they’d be happy to take a break from investigating crime scenes to help you out
b) don’t ask me – I’m trying to figure out how selling Mike Tyson’s shit is racist
c) thankfully, you don’t. The market works on trust, and if you can’t trust somebody to deliver celebrity shit when they say that’s what they’re selling, you don’t deserve to be buying
853) In his new book, The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World, former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan talked about how disappointed he was in the deficits run up by former President Ronald Reagan and current President George W. Bush. Why didn’t he say anything about his disappointment when he was actually in a position to do something about it?
a) he’s always been shy
b) his invisible hand had Parkinson’s Disease
c) he was so busy manipulating the interest rate that complaining about deficits plumb slipped his mind
854) In a recent interview on The Daily Show to promote the book, Greenspan claimed that in his 50 years as an economist, he never developed an understanding of the psychology that drives people who invest in the stock market. How is it possible that, in economic circles, this man is worshipped as a god?
a) I blame Richard Dawkins
b) I blame Vatican II
c) the people who make up economic circles know even less than he does
855) The Reverend Jesse Jackson has criticized Presidential candidate Barack Obama for “acting like he is white.” How does somebody act white?
a) by eating collard greens with a fork and knife and passing on the watermelon
b) by reading The Wall Street Journal instead of Ebony
c) by ignoring the Reverend Jesse Jackson
856) The Alcohol and Gaming Commission has told The Booze Emporium that it must change its name because it might encourage “the immoderate consumption of alcohol.” By this logic…
a) Seduction should change its name because it might encourage promiscuity
b) Wal-mart should change its name because it might encourage excessive consumption of walls
c) eBay should change its name because it might encourage young and impressionable minds to buy small bodies of water (over the Internet, yet!)
857) President Mahmoud Achmadinejad, during his vacation in New York, claimed that Iran has no gay people. Given that it is estimated that 10% of the people in the world are homosexual, where did all of Iran’s gay people go?
a) Argentina
b) the North Pole
c) they haunt the dreams of Iran’s clerics still
858) What was the most outrageous thing Achmadinejad did while in New York?
a) blew his nose on a red and blue hankie that didn’t really look like an American flag, but the Daily News claimed was one anyway
b) can you bulieve dis guy? He let a University president beat on him for 10 minutes without retaliatin’ – don’t he know that nobody, but nobody is allowed to diss youse for 10 minutes in New York widout payback? Especially not a…University president! What a pussy!
c) asked what happened to all the strip joints in Times Square
859) According to party hack Tom Flanagan, Stephen Harper’s Conservative agenda is being blocked by Liberal appointees in the Governor General’s office, the Senate, the courts and senior ranks of the federal civil service, Crown corporations and federal regulatory agencies. Did he miss anybody?
a) Martine De La Colletage, an 87 year-old diabetic who scrapes by on her late husband’s military disability pension and selling used hearing aids to the other deaf people in her home
b) Jasper Riens – he may only be six months old, but he’s feisty!
c) uhh, Stephen Harper?
860) And, why should anybody outside the University of Calgary care about Flanagan’s opinion?
a) because he sort of, kind of, a little bit, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, let’s say no more about it apologized on radio, showing that he’s actually a sensitive guy
b) because what starts at the University of Calgary inevitably spreads to High River, and then watch out!
c) McGill-Queen's University Press should care because they just published Flanagan’s Harper’s Team…a coincidence, I’m sure…
