America Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC): We represent the opinion of North American Jews.
IRA: You don’t represent my opinion.
AIPAC: Obviously, you’re not Jewish.
IRA: But, I am Jewish.
AIPAC: Then, we represent your opinion.
IRA: But, you don’t represent my opinion.
AIPAC: Oh, dear, are you planning on being difficult?
IRA: [SHRUGS] According to you, what do North American Jews believe?
AIPAC: That radical Islam poses an existential threat to the state of Israel, and that we must wage war against Muslims to defend ourselves.
IRA: Not all Muslims are violent radicals. In fact, there is a wide spectrum of Muslim belief. You act as if they speak with one voice.
AIPAC: Of course they speak with one voice.
IRA: No, they –
AIPAC: We speak with one voice.
IRA: We…being…Jews?
AIPAC: That’s right. We represent the opinion of North American Jews. If one organization can represent the opinions of all Jews, then –
IRA: But, you don’t represent the opinions of all Jews.
AIPAC: We don’t?
IRA: You don’t represent my opinion.
AIPAC: Then, you’re not Jewish.
IRA: Of course I’m Jewish!
AIPAC: Oh. I think I understand.
IRA: Finally!
AIPAC: You’re one of those self-hating Jews.
IRA: What?
AIPAC: It’s sad when somebody is so at odds with his heritage. The good news is that there are programmes that will help you reconnect with your –
IRA: I don’t hate myself!
AIPAC: We didn’t say you hate yourself.
IRA: That’s exactly what you said!
AIPAC: No. We said that you hate the Jewish part of yourself.
IRA: I don’t hate that, either. I’m very proud of my Jewish heritage.
AIPAC: You don’t act like it.
IRA: What do I do that would make you think I hate my Jewish heritage?
AIPAC: You disagree with the opinion of North American Jews.
IRA: You mean, I disagree with you.
AIPAC: Of course. We represent the opinion of North American Jews.
IRA: You don’t represent my opinion.
AIPAC: QED.
[LONG PAUSE]
IRA: And, what exactly is an existential threat, anyway?
AIPAC: A threat to Israel’s existence.
IRA: No. That doesn’t sound right.
AIPAC: Well, it sounds right enough to us. If you have a problem with it, maybe you should talk to Richard Perle. But, let’s not get hung up on semantics. The important thing is that we want peace for Israel. If you disagree with us, you must obviously not want peace for Israel.
IRA: I didn’t say that!
AIPAC: Somebody who wants Israel to be in a state of perpetual war…hmm…sounds like a self-hating Jew to us…
IRA: Oh, look, every Jew wants Israel to be at peace. But –
AIPAC: So, we do speak for you.
IRA: But, your positions won’t get peace for Israel. If you believe that all Muslims are part of a movement that poses a threat to Israel, you leave nobody to negotiate peace with. You’re the ones who are creating the conditions for eternal war.
AIPAC: [SIGHS] And, we were getting along so well.
IRA: Look –
AIPAC: No, you look. Israel is beset on all sides by enemies.
IRA: How biblical of you.
AIPAC: Thanks for noticing. The only path to peace is to put up a strong resistance to any nation that would destroy us.
IRA: By waging war.
AIPAC: Finally, you see what we’re saying!
IRA: I might, if I could just get this bit of George Orwell out of my eye…
AIPAC: Very funny. So, you believe a weak Israel is somehow better?
IRA: Did I say that?
AIPAC: We read between the lines.
IRA: Is that what you call it when you misrepresent the position of people who disagree with you?
AIPAC: Are you saying that you don’t believe in a weak Israel?
IRA: I’m saying a willingness to negotiate with your enemies is a sign of strength, not weakness.
AIPAC: Pardon us while we laugh uproariously. [LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY] Oh, dear. We haven’t had such a good time since we dealt with opposition to the last round of appropriations for Israel in the American Congress.
IRA: Who gave you the right to lobby the American Congress on behalf of Israel?
AIPAC: Well…you did.
IRA: I did?
AIPAC: Sure. You named us to represent the opinion of North American Jews.
IRA: You don’t represent my opinions.
AIPAC: Silly boy. That’s not what Congress believes, and that’s all that counts, really, isn’t it?