Bureaucracy Is Tort – Don’t Go There. Right. Sorry.
Differences between Americans and Canadians, #327: When Americans get caught torturing people, they pass laws legalizing torture. When Canadians get caught handing people over to others who torture, they immediately begin three separate inquiries, secure in the knowledge that they will be able to continue to do so while the inquiries are ongoing and, when they have finally reported, everybody’s attention will have turned to something else.
One Defense Minister Who Puts The “D’uh” Back In Dummy
Mitsubishi is denying that an advertisement of one of its sports cars roaring around highways, streets and dirt roads promotes the kind of drag racing that has cost many lives in Toronto in the past few weeks. “Our ads very clearly state: ‘Professional driver on closed track.’” Susan Elliott of Mitsubishi Motor Sales of Canada, Inc. stated. “I don’t see how we could be clearer on this.”
You don’t? How about not flashing the message in three point type for two tenths of a second?
In other automotive news, Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s Conservatives, ever on the lookout for ways to be frugal with Canadian taxpayers money, is planning on sending the NASCAR vehicle with the Party logo to Afghanistan to protect the troops. “It’s isn’t very well armoured,” Defence Minister Gordon O’Connor admitted, “but, boy, is it ever fast!”
We’re Sure Hallmark Will Get Right On That
Remember when Belinda Stronach quit politics? Everybody assumed that it was because she had no chance to lead the Liberal Party? Yeah. That’s it. Well, it turns out – hee hee – that she had breast cancer. The truth has only come out now after she had a mastectomy and breast reconstruction.
We felt bad about questioning her motives, so we decided to get her a card. But, there aren’t really a lot of greeting cards that apologize for the way the media misrepresents a politician and it was a hot day and there was a Baskin Robbins next to the card shop and…and…well, we got ourselves ice cream, instead.
But, it’s the thought that counts, right?
From Singing The Blues To True Blue In One Easy Step
The Harper government has broken with tradition and replaced red decorations for Canada Day with blue. Red, the primary colour on the Canadian flag, is also, unfortunately, associated with the hated Liberal Party. Blue, a soothing and altogether much more pleasing colour, is associated with the ruling Conservatives.
In response to the outcry in response to the changes, Harper said that this was only a temporary problem. The Conservatives’ solution?
Isn’t It Time That She Wente?
Globe and Mail columnist Margaret Wente claims that today’s cannabis is two to four times stronger than that available in the 1960s. I don’t know that that makes it “harder and meaner.” I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? You start giggling in 30 seconds instead of two minutes? You have to eat two to four bags of Doritos instead of one?
Somebody needs to get a grip.
Don’t Get Your Hopes Up
Canadian Idol producer John Brunton said that it is “disgraceful” that Toronto residents don’t show more support for homegrown contestants after three were eliminated from the show, leaving just three in the top 18.
Wow. Maybe Toronto is a world class city after all.
Unfortunately, The Satirical Commentator Positions Are All Filled – We Could Use A Janitor, Though…
Since 2004, the Canadian economy has lost more than 239,100 manufacturing jobs. If you have lost your job, or are considering losing your job, don’t despair! You have alternatives.
Can you say, “May I please have your credit card number?” If so, the exciting world of call centre operative may beckon. Can you say, “Please hold while I consult my manager?” If so, you may be eligible for a position in tech support.
Think you can run the world better than the people who are actually doing it? Are you able to state your opinions as though they are facts and willing to shout down anybody who disagrees with you? You may be the perfect person to become a political pundit. Simply start your Webcam and rant away. If you are especially offensive, you may be given a position on national television!
If all else fails, stop looking for a job. If you’re not looking, you aren’t counted as unemployed! I know, I know, just because you aren’t considered to be unemployed doesn’t mean that you can put food on your table. But, hey, why spoil things for the rest of us, you deadbeat?
With Apologies To Joseph Heller
CRTC: You can have money from the Canadian Television Fund, but there’s a catch.
PRODUCER: A catch?
CRTC: Catch 23.
PRODUCER: What’s catch 23?
CRTC: You can only have the money if your TV series is popular.
PRODUCER: If it’s a success.
CRTC: That’s right.
PRODUCER: What’s the problem with that?
CRTC: If your series is a success, private broadcasters will complain that the government is unfairly subsidizing their competition, and you don’t need the money.
PRODUCER: So, if I’m successful, I don’t need the money, and if I’m not successful I’m not allowed to have the money?
CRTC: That’s right.
PRODUCER: Hoo, boy! That’s some catch!
Be Scared. Be Very…Oooh Baby, Stroke Me The – I Mean, Scared
The explosion of a small love bomb near the CN Tower would spew sexual vibes over four square kilometers, resulting in mass sexual activity, a rush on Toronto’s sexual aids shops and an economic toll of up to $23.5 billion, a new federal study says.
The study, led by Defence Research and Development Canada, suggests that the city is nor prepared for such an attack. Chastity belts, for instant, are difficult to come by, and there is a chronic undersupply of anti-pheromone medicines.
“We know that we have a particular fascination with sex and sexuality,” Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day said in an interview. “Trust those evil terrorist bastards to use it against us!”What will we be covering next week? Watch This 22 Minutes Feels Like an Hour and find out!
