What the Heck Do You Know? Has Left The Bildungsroman

801) Which of the following is the most credible Claude Rains in Casablanca moment? a) Yahoo, after handing over information on its users to the government, being shocked, shocked I tell you to find out that China has no respect for human rights
b) Defence Minister Gordon O’Connor, after weeks of denial, being shocked, shocked I tell you to find out that Afghanistan tortures prisoners of war that Canadian forces turn over to it
c) newspaper editorial writers being shocked, shocked I tell you to find out that the Canadian government plans to stop making information about the treatment of Afghanistan prisoners of war available to the public (although, to be fair, newspaper editorial writers are paid to be shocked, shocked I tell you)

 802) Which of the following is the most outrageous “President Bush on the deck of an aircraft carrier under a Mission Accomplished banner tempting of fate” moment? a) Finance Minister Jim Flaherty claiming in his 2007 budget speech that, thanks to his Conservative government, the era of federal/provincial financial bickering was over
b) Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki telling the United States that it can pull its troops from his country “any time they want”
c) Prime Minister Stephen Harper advising any provincial premier unhappy with the deal he’s worked out on equalization payments that he’ll see them in court

 803) The Bush administration is trying to convince British Prime Minister Tony Blair to become its special envoy to the Israeli/Palestinian conflict/crisis/mishigas when he steps down. Expecting the man who backed America’s illegal wars of aggression in Afghanistan and Iraq to be an honest broker is like… a) expecting Prime Minister Stephen Harper to appear on the lead float of the Pride Day parade
b) expecting Prime Minister Stephen Harper to appear on the lead float of the Pride Day parade…in drag
c) expecting that, by stabbing yourself in the eye, you will improve your vision

 804) Now that the city has approved the application of “Support Our Troops” ribbons on emergency vehicles in Toronto, what other ribbons should our vehicles sport as a show of support? a) green “Support Our Broccoli” ribbons
b) beige “Support Canadian Culture – Eat More Yogurt” ribbons
c) lavender, orange and aquamarine ribbons that represent…well, nothing, yet, but you have to admit that they’re a colourful combination

805) The Office of Vice President Dick Cheney told an agency within the National Archives that for purposes of securing classified information, the Vice President's office is not an “entity within the executive branch.” What is it? a) a nice light snack
b) an entity within the executive branch of an 11 dimensional string (only Stephen Hawking can imagine the lines of command in that organization!)
c) the creation of the twisted mind of a sad, sad old man

 806) What was the Maginot Line? a) Paris’ best-selling fashions in 1938
b) what Pierre Maginot used to finally get his long-time paramour Christine to marry him
c) a defensive military strategy that might well have worked in 11 dimensions, but, alas, did not in our three

 807) What is a MeeGo? a) a Mexican friend
b) how a three year-old tells you what he did today (ie: “MeeGo to school and MeeGo to finger painting class and…” do you really want Meego on, because the kid can talk for hours…)
c) the death knell for Bronson Pinchot’s acting career

 808) What is neuroplasticity? a) a movement to implant credit cards directly into our brains for greater ease of purchasing (although nobody seems to be talking about the greater risk of concussion at check out counters)
b) what happens to your brain when you smother your computer housing in a white wine sauce and eat it
c) a nice light snack

 809) How backwards do you have to be to not understand that calling Asian Canadians “people with slanted eyes” is racist? a) 100 years behind the times backwards
b) so backward you don’t have to turn around to wipe your own ass
c) Andre Boisclair backwards

 810) Colonel Mike Day, new head of Canada’s Special Operations Forces Command, believes his part of the military will use a moral compass to fight in “a world that has lost its way.” How does he believe he can help us find our way? a) by assassinating people who look confused
b) by bombing villages, leaving less of the world intact for Canadians to travel through
c) with a flashlight (just don’t ask him how he plans on using it)

811) How do the recently foiled attacks in London and the car bombing in Scotland fit into the whole “we’re fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here” theory? a) the bombers were homegrown, so they don’t really count as “them”
b) according to Fox News, London is “over there” and Scotland is “way over there”
c) like an elephant fits into an accordion

 812) Which of the following statements best describes you? a) I don’t understand Zippy, but I’d like to
b) I don’t understand Zippy, and I hope I never do
c) Fish extrusion! Fish extrusion! Fish extrusion!

813) From most to least, rank the character by the number of actors who have played it. a) James Bond
b) Dr. Who
c) Emmanuelle Arsan

 814) Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said he will call an election, even though he does not have the power to do so. Why would he say this? a) he’s just so darned happy about how democracy is working out in the occupied territories that he wants to have an election every week!
b) oh, don’t pay him no mind, Abbas’s just practicing his sound bites
c) he thinks, what the hell, he can’t lose any worse to Hamas than he did last time, right?

815) According to one immigration lawyer, “I think that…Canadian immigration authorities are genuinely humanitarian and compassionate.” How can you tell? a) when they send refugee claimants back to their home countries to be tortured, they always say, “Have a safe trip back.”
b) when they decide that a youngster born in Canada can stay here even though his parents can’t, they always remark on what a beautiful looking child he or she is
c) they aren’t in the room

 816) The Canadian Department of National Defense is now claiming that its decision to stop releasing information about detainees in Afghanistan, was made to protect Canadian troops. How will it do that? a) if Canadians find out the truth about how our troops are treating prisoners, we may want to kill them
b) it’s part of Operation See No Evil, the details of which are so classified even the DND hasn’t seem them!
c) the money DND will save printing out documents will be used to buy new tank treads

 817) Can children be evil? a) if you can ask that, you’ve obviously never had children
b) are you kidding? Does the name Damien mean nothing to you?
c) no – they only become evil when they become insurance adjusters

 818) The producers of an off-Broadway show called My First Time are offering to give free tickets to anybody who can prove they are a virgin. How do they intend to find out? a) they’ll ask them how frequently they think men and women can come at the same time. If they answer more than three per cent of the time, they’re virgins
b) they’ll ask them how often they masturbate. If it’s more than three times a week, they’re probably virgins; if it’s more than three times a day, not only are they virgins, but you have to wonder how they find the time to go to the theatre
c) they’ll invite them to play doctor
d) they’ll ask them (seriously – who would want to claim that they were a virgin if they weren’t? Or, even if they were?)

819) Senior State Department official Randall Tobias, who resigned after being named as a client of the “DC Madam’s” prostitution service, claims that he only went there for massage treatments. How stupid does this sound? a) “still believing in Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction” stupid
b) “keep watching The War at Home in the hopes that it will get better” stupid
c) “give all you money to an African potentate who needs your help accessing his foreign bank account” stupid

 820) Apologists for the Iraq war keep insisting that “failure is not an option.” If not, then what is failure? a) a soiled hankie in the cleaning hamper of history
b) a certainty
c) a nice light – oh, you’re clever enough to see where this is going…