To celebrate the fifth anniversary of Les Pages aux Folles on the World Wide Web and the approaching 25th anniversary of the birth of the project, we have asked some of the people who have participated in it over the years their thoughts.
Herbert T. Frump, street bon vivant: What’s a bon vivant?
Michaelangelo "Dick" Tremonte, morning radio personality: Yeah, sure, I know I’m famous for comparing the breast sizes of Rona Ambrose and Condoleezza Rice on air, but you have to understand that it’s nothing personal – it’s just about the ratings. Actually, listeners may not realize it, but I have a sensitive side. Sure. I cried at the ending of Striptease. And, I’m secure enough in my masculinity to admit it!
Rex Veneer, Deadline News Network anchor: You know, when Ira first approached me to anchor the flagship Deadline News Network program, I thought he was nuts. A satirical news show? It would never fly. But, I have to admit, his argument was persuasive. Rex, he told me, you’re a figment of my imagination. If you don’t host the news for DNN, who do you think is going to create you? I bowed to the superior logic, and I’ve been happily employed ever since.
Elves, office staff: “It’s been great.”
“Yeah, great.”
“Truly great. Almost wonderful.”
“It had moments of wonderfulness.”
“Wonderosity, you could say.”
“Well, you could say.”
“Who could say?”
“Of course, Germaine never was entirely comfortable with the moldy cheese we got as the main part of our wages.”
“I never said that!”
“That’s because you’re Chuck.”
“No, I’m Fyodor.”
“You are? Who does that make me?”
“You’re Chuck.”
“So, I’m Germaine?”
“That’s right.”
“Oh, well, then, I actually said I’m entirely comfortable with the moldy cheese we get as the main part of our wages. Yum. And, anybody who says differently is a liar!”
“But, you were the one who said differently!”
“Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”
General mayhem ensued.
Joey, kid: Yeah, it was hard growing up in Les Pages aux Folles. Too much weirdness at too young an age. I…I became addicted to Spliffy Peanut Butter when I was eight. Of course, that led straight to heroin. I bottomed out when I was 34 – I was downing eight peanut butter and heroin sandwiches a day. I…I found Jesus. Best thing that ever happened to me, man. Here, take this Chick tract. No seriously. Free of charge. It could help change your life, man! It helped change mine…
George W. Bush, President of the United States of America: I get it. I do. See, when I appear in BoobieBoy’s writing – that’s what I call him, hee hee, BoobieBoy – see, it’s not really me, it’s an imaginary construct of me that sort of takes my worst qualities and…amplifies them for comic effect. Cheap shots? You bet. But, see, they’re protected by the First Amendment. Ha ha, fucker.
Michaelangelo "Dick" Tremonte, morning radio personality: Oh, yeah, congrats on the anniversary. I’ll be sure to nominate you for Moron of the Moment on a broadcast next week. Like I said: nothing personal. It’s just about the ratings. It’s always about the ratings.
Johnny Laframboise, private dick: It was a cold, rainy night, the kind your mother always warned you to wear a heavy coat and pull up your collar tight about – she thought she was being protective when she was really being smothering, but that’s a story for another time – when he walked into my office. Middle aged. Looked like hell. Said he had a literary project he was starting and would I be interested. I have to admit, I was intrigued. Something about the way he crossed his legs…the perfume he wore…I still get shivers thinking about it 20 years later…
Frederica von McToast-Hyphen, Alternate Reality News Service people reporter: I’m as fascinated with celebrities on this plane of existence as anybody, but even I got to a point where I had to question the saturation coverage of Paris Hilton’s incarceration. The great thing about the Alternate Reality News Service is that it gives me an almost infinite amount of celebrities to write about! Every day, I thank the Ira for giving me this wonderful opportunity. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you…
Roger Overbudget, Deputy Minister of Miscellaneous Government Activity: Is this…is this microphone on? Yes, I would just like to say that I am delighted to be able to celebrate these anniversaries. You know, humour is such an important part of our social fabric – Boren and I always talk about it at Quantifiable Unit Infiltration Positioning meetings – sometimes we even agree on basic principles – he’s coming along quite nicely, I think – why, I laughed at a joke when I was 37, and my life hasn’t been the same sin – where are the photographers? There are no photographers? Why am I wasting my time here, then? Good luck…and goodbye.
Spliffy the Beaver, peanut butter mascot: Has it really been 25 fucking years? Fuck, that’s a long time to wear a fucking beaver suit. Do you have any idea how fucking hot it is in here? This isn’t how I thought my life would go, you know – I mean, when you’re growing up, does anybody imagine they’ll devote their life to being a fucking spokesbeaver? No, I wanted to be a construction worker. “But construction won’t satisfy your soul,” my parents told me. Like this does? I got a piece of advice for Frank and Gordon: get out while you still got a fucking soul left!
Raoul Blackaddar, sex columnist: You know, in my country, we have a saying: The longer the python, the more the mongoose has to feed. Yes, it is as disgusting as it sounds. Why do you think I left my country to come to this sex-obsessed place? It has been a pleasure to work for Les Pages aux Folles, because this Ira Nayman, she knows how to sublimate her sexual urges in political satire. I find that unusually…stimulating. Now, if you will excuse me, I must take a cold shower!
Ned Feeblish, Vice President, Public Relations and Anniversary Celebrations: No comment. But, I am writing my memoirs…
Shecky Derrida, stand-up comedy deconstructionist: Python octagonal erector set. I remember the first time I said that as if it were yesterday. That may be because it was yesterday. I don’t – where’s my rimshot? Can I get a rimshot here, please? How can I signal to the audience my contempt for the lameness of my own material without a rimshot?! Airline food? Don’t get me started! I must say that I never “got” Les Pages aux Folles, and it’s not like my appearance there actually did anything for my career – but, hey, I’m not bitter. Not any more than any other stand-up, but try convincing my shrink of that! Hey, did I ever tell you my version of the Aristocrats joke? I think you’ll appreciate the plea for world peace in the subtext…
Fixture? I hardly knew ‘er!
Herbert T. Frump, street bon vivant: No, seriously, what’s a bon vivant?