RING RING
“Yo. This here’s the anti-snitch hotline. Whassup, dog?”
“I’d like to report a robbery. It happened at –”
“Whoa, whoa. Stop right there.”
“But, it just happened. If you hurry, you can still catch –”
“Fuck that! This ain’t no snitch line!”
“But, didn’t you say –?”
“This is the anti-snitch line, bitch. Anti-snitch. Non-snitch. Not for snitching. This is the line you call when you want to not report a crime.”
“What good is that?”
“Ain’t you never heard of community cohesiveness against the occupying power of the police, motherfucker?”
“I…I just want to report a crime.”
“You called the wrong place, bitch.”
“Oh. Well, who should I call?”
“Crimestoppers would be the best place to – HEY! I’m not helping you help the man beat down your own people. Find them yourself, you so goddam civic minded!”
“Oh, ah, okay. Thanks.”
“Word.”
RING RING
“Yo. This here’s the anti-snitch line. Whassup, motherfucker?”
“I want to not report a crime.”
“That’s what I’m talkin’ about.”
“I…I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m not sure –”
“Don’t worry, man. I’m here to walk you through it. Let’s start by you telling me what crime you’re not gonna tell me about.”
“I think…I think it was a murder.”
“ALRIGHT! You wanna not be calling in a crime, you want it to be a big one, know what I’m sayin? Listen, bro, you doing the right thing. Now –”
“Is this Cam’ron?”
“Say what?”
“Am I speaking to Cam’ron?”
“No, man, I’m just a volunteer. Now –”
“Can I speak to Cam’ron?”
“He a busy man, sucker. You wanna talk about this crime you not gonna talk about, or what?”
“Yeah, sure, I just thought –”
“Focus, man. You wanna not snitch, you gotta focus.”
“Okay. Okay. So, this robbery I’m not gonna –”
“Thought you said it was a murder.”
“What?”
“You said you weren’t reporting a murder.”
“Oh, well, yeah, uhh, the murder it…uhh…it happened in the commission of the robbery, see, and –”
“You takin me for a fool, fool? You didn’t see no crime, did you?”
“No, I did! I did! I’m a serious witness!”
“Shit. You just called to talk to a famous rapper, didn’t you?”
“No! Really! I saw a –”
“Listen, nigger, this is a serious –”
“Ooh, do you have to use that word?”
“What? Nigger? You got a problem with – ah, man, are you even black?”
“Yeah. Yeah, uhh, bro. Whas happenin’?”
“Aww, man, this is a serious anti-snitch line. We don’t got time for gangsta wannabes from the suburbs – my phones lines are all lit up and shit. Man, I could be talking to somebody who was serious about not telling me about no crime in the hood.”
“But –”
“Whatever, motherfucker.”
RING RING
“Yo. You talkin’ to the anti-snitch line. ’Sup?”
“I…uhh…I got this friend, man.”
“I hear dat.”
“Seriously. He…he’s been talking crazy, lately, ‘bout how he fed up wit’ his boss takin’ more than his fair share and if it don’t change, well, he may just have to go to da cops about it.”
“Okay. Dis be serious. Have you explained to him what happens to a snitch?”
“What happens?”
“Gangbangers find out you ratted ‘em out, they cut your balls off, man. They some mean motherfuckers.”
“Well, actually, he’s a corporate lawyer for a multinational news conglomerate.”
“Owwwwww! Serious? Man, those multinational corporations’ll fuck you up worse than a Crip on crack! You gotta talk your friend out of this crazy snitchin’ shit, man!
“I know. But, what can I do?”
“Don’t he know the Code of the Street?”
“The Code of Wall Street?”
“Wall Street, Maple Avenue, all da streets, man. Takin’ what don’t belong to you is an internal matter that’s dealt with by the brothers. You don’t go to da cops –”
“He’s talking about going to the Federal Trade Commission.”
“They, like, some kind of, like, supercops or somethin’?”
“You could say that.”
“Aww, man, all it takes is one brother to snitch to the supercops and BAM!, there goes the neighbourhood. Tell you what, you tell me who this cat is and where I can find him, and I’ll arrange a little…intervention. Cool?”
“Thank you.”
“No, thank you. It’s conscientious citizens like you what make our streets safer…”