1) What the hell just happened to the stock market?
A mere hiccup.
2) Hiccup? You call that a hiccup? I lost $53,000!
If accompanied by heartburn, consult your doctor.
3) Why should I consult my doctor?
His portfolio is bigger than yours.
4) Seriously, what happened to the stock market?
The Shanghai Composite, made up of steel, aluminum, carbon and hot air, dropped about 13 per cent, wiping US$100 billion off the face of the earth.
5) What does that mean? I mean, where does all that money go?
Out for a pizza. The problem is, it doesn’t come back. Well, not to you, anyway.
6) Why should I care what happens in China?
All of the markets in the world are now connected. The day the Chinese market dropped, the TSX lost 364 points, the Dow Jones lost 416 points and the Wawa Composite Industrials closed for the afternoon so everybody could go fishing. All in all, $1 trillion was lost. Haven’t you seen the headlines that read: “When Chinese markets sneeze, the world market catches a cold?” I would recommend that you have billions of dollars worth of Kleenexes.
7) That’s kind of glib, isn’t it?
Oh, like the headlines weren’t?
8) Why did the Chinese stocks fall?
Because of fundamental weaknesses in the American economy. Just don’t ask –
9) Why does weakness in the American economy affect the Chinese stock market?
Sigh. You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?
The US has been running a trade deficit with…well, pretty much everybody. This means it spends more buying stuff from other countries than other countries spend buying stuff from the US. How is this possible? The US gives the other countries IOUs. So far, the US has given China $1 trillion worth of IOUs. When the American economy shows signs of weakness, Chinese investors start to worry that it will never be able to pay off the IOUs, and, in a panic, start selling all their shares in Tsing-Tau’s Noodle Emporium.
10) When will the United States be able to pay off its Chinese debt?
Well, a rough estimate would be…never. However, as long as everybody acts like never is actually an achievable date, the world economic system can continue to function.
11) Were there any other factors in the Chinese stock market decline?
Some investors feared that the Chinese government – wily Communist bastards that they are – were about to take strong measures to dampen the speculative fever that had sent stock values soaring in the past year. So, they decided to beat the government to weakening the market – just another triumph of unfettered capitalism.
12) Are you saying that the drop was caused by a…rumour?
According to the Globe, “China’s casino-like markets are plagued by corruption, fuelled by rumours and seemingly detached from economic reality.” In other words, they function like any other market in the world.
13) Was what happened a “meltdown” or a “correction?”
If you were heavily invested in the market, it was a meltdown. If you weren’t, it was a correction.
That we’re all mortal, fallible, and that god doesn’t return prayers for investment advice.
15) What was the reaction of Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke?
He read the cover of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
16) He would have told us if this was really something to worry about, wouldn’t he?
He wou – oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – tell us? Hee hee hee hee ha ha ha ha hee hee – tell? Oh, good one. Ha ha ha ha…aah…you’re serious, aren’t you?
The best way to understand the role of the Fed Chairman is to think of him as the pimp in the biggest whorehouse in the world. Do you think he’s going to warn any of the customers that the girls suffer from a variety of exotic sexually transmitted diseases?
18) How can I protect myself from these sorts of market…unpleasantnesses?
Personally, I park all my spare cash (of which I have none) in the First National Bank of Mattress. The returns aren’t great, but the only danger of losing all my money is in a fire, in which case, I would likely have more to worry about than losing all my money.
19) How can I tell if playing the stock market was the right thing for me?
If you look around the market you’ve invested heavily in, and you can’t tell who the sucker being fleeced is, it’s probably you. On the other hand, even if you can tell who the sucker being fleeced is, it’s still probably you because you’re still in the market. There are enough shearing tools to go around.